Sex and HeartHow I transformed devastation into love and loving lust

When you as a woman come to a place in your life when the  desire for an extended journey inward is calling so strongly you can’t but heed the call, you might ask what will happen with everyone else in my life, my significant other? my children? my friends? everyone else who plays an important role?

Will they notice? How will they respond? Will it make them feel good. Will they feel more connected to me? Or will they feel threatened? Will they abandon me in search of status quo?

For the most part, your inner workings, the struggles, the triumphs go on inside you mostly unnoticed to the extent that no one will come to you and tell you that it seems as though you must be working on yourself.

But they might notice something which they can’t quite put their finger on. They might tell you you seem different, ask you if have you cut your hair.

The more deeply you plunge within and weed out, release the “stuff” you no longer need or does not serve you, the things that keep you from being the person you want to be, the woman you really are at heart, the greater are the chances are that someone will feel it, especially those close to you.

Someone more astute might notice that you seem blue, a heaviness pervading you during a time when you are working to peel away a particularly nasty piece, or they might perceive a peacefulness enveloping you, a lightness following the relinquishing of that big, bad chunk.

As you journey, you may have periods of intense introspection, and during this period you may be immersed in some old painful blocks within which may manifest outwardly as troubled and irritable or quiet and withdrawn or sad and gloomy or morose and pensive or just kind of off.

As this releases, you will feel amazing, a huge relief like a big sigh but better. Maybe more like an orgasm. This can manifest as a lovely calm or a huge smile on your face, energy pouring out of you.

You can, and it’s probably a good idea to talk about whatever arises in you with a close friend, a confidante, a coach, or a therapist. Women do very well, much better usually if there is someone on whom they can unload, use as a sounding board, as a support system.

Journaling is an excellent tool as well though I suggest it as an adjunct and not the sole tool.

You can tell your man, and it’s probably a good idea that you do when you feel ready. Tell him that you feel introspective lately, disconnected maybe, whatever it is you feel. You can even tell him you’re sorting things out within yourself, that you want to dig out “bad stuff”. You can tell him you are working to open your heart up even more, as you let go of old habits. You can tell him you don’t want him to think you’re upset with him.

I DON”T suggest outlining your journey with him though.

It’s just not a good idea to share the details with your man. They do not understand this work the way we do, for the most part. They think differently; they work things through differently though the end result can often appear the same.

I have never spoken of my process with K. Speaking out at all was so foreign to me anyway when I began my last, most intense lap. I didn’t tell him anything at all for a very long time. Fortunately for me he is very sensitive and knew I must be working on something or dealing with something. He’s also enormously patient, so he never probed, nor did he take it personally. He lovingly works under the assumption that I will tell him what’s bothering me when I’m ready, or I won’t, and he’s okay either way.

But as I became stronger within myself, more secure, felt safer, once the darker clouds lifted I did eventually tell him what was going on with me. I told him I had been having a tough time, digging down deeply, letting go of unneeded, unwanted “stuff” which had been interfering. I told him I had been working on releasing fears.

But that’s all I told him. It’s not that there are secrets between us. You all know I don’t believe in secrets, for it gets in the way of true intimacy. He’s welcome to read any and all of my journals I kept at the time, but he has no interest. Nor would most men. Or maybe he instinctively knows it wouldn’t be a great thing to do, for there are things in there which when taken out of context could cause him pain. It’s unlikely though that thoughts such as these even cross his mind.

There have been a few times when mention of my processing has arisen, and I’ve tried to explain, but he doesn’t “get” what I’m saying. His eyes start to glaze over very quickly as would most men.

It’s not that he doesn’t care. He cares deeply. He just doesn’t need or want to know all of this. You see unlike us, men don’t need or want to know every little thing we women are thinking and feeling, the whys and wherefores of our heart and mind processes.

I’m more open and connected. That’s all K needs or wants to know. Not how I got there. Not what I uprooted. Not what I felt as I traveled through nor what I thought. He only wants to know the now. This is typical of most men.

And this frustrates many women, for most of us want to talk about it all, explain ourselves, go over every little item. Rather than allowing this be to a source of frustration, let it be, and go tell all to your best girlfriend. I don’t even try to discuss these things with him anymore, and it no longer bothers me.

Men process differently than women do. Naturally there are some men who push things away, ignore things just as many women do.

But for those who don’t, it seems to be a much more internal working  in that it’s not shared with others. They don’t feel that burning need most of us women do.

I think too men are just more accepting of things as they are, their thoughts, their feelings, the moods of their woman, so they don’t usually turn them over and over, upside down and inside as we do. They don’t tend to let things eat at them. An example might be, “this hurts; this will pass”, and then it does. They tend to live more in the moment than we tend to.

I’m not saying men don’t have emotions or don’t show them, but they do so in their own way. They will expose themselves and their feelings in different and many times in more subtle ways than we. And they will do this when they feel safe.

You might ask when and how do they feel safe. Men feel safe whenever it is they feel safe. This cannot be forced or rushed.

You create that safety by allowing him to be who he is, accepting him warts and all, by being okay with whatever he does or does not do as long as he’s not hurting you and if he does, you would tell him how awful whatever it is feels, and you don’t want to feel that way. Or you can negotiate.

The feelings of safety will happen or they won’t. Being anxious about it interferes.

You can create that safety by feeling good within yourself, feeling love for yourself, doing things that make you happy, by taking care of you.

Much of the male inner work is unconscious, often prompted by our inner work. Remember they take our lead in this.

As you work on you though, you have to keep in mind all the time that you cannot make him or anyone else do anything or see anything. He will, or he won’t. If he comes along for the ride, great, but you can’t make him.

Could this mean the end of your relationship? Sure, there is always that possibility, but ask yourself this, would you rather stifle your growth to accommodate another? I hope your answer is no.

You may very well grow apart. But if the love between you is strong, the connection deep, these elements can only become more so.

There’s nothing more for you to do. He can take your lead, and he likely will if you are closely bonded, but remember his process still won’t look anything like yours.

xxoo