Sex and HeartHow I transformed devastation into love and loving lust

Are you desperate and in pain over your man’s porn viewing habits? You are not alone. This issue has become almost pandemic.

I want you to know first and foremost that his enjoyment of porn is NOT about YOU. If nothing else registers here, please let it be this. Your man’s porn viewing has absolutely NOTHING to do with YOU.

Unless he’s an addict, and this would be an entirely different situation than what I am discussing here, then your man’s porn viewing is simply a pastime or a habit which YOU are having a hard time with because it’s triggering some things deep within you.

This is also something that you will not resolve within yourself overnight. This will be a process, and this part IS about you, NOT HIM. If you find yourself deeply troubled over it, it’s an indication that you have some things to deal with that go far deeper and beyond porn. You have some insecurities and maybe other issues that finding your man’s porn has brought to the fore. This is an opportunity for YOU to HEAL.

It will likely be a struggle. It will likely be painful. And there are many ways to ease the journey as you sort this out and work to shed old issues. Learning how to communicate with your man so he can not only hear you but maybe help you with this is a key piece, but most importantly you must find a way to heal your old wounds.

And you may also have to come to accept, at least mostly, that porn will likely never go away, and that this is not necessarily a bad thing.

I know the last part you probably don’t want to hear. I didn’t, and honestly I still go through spells albeit briefly now when I do wish porn would poof go away.

Now I’ve been in about as bad a place over porn as you can imagine. It triggered my most profound and darkest insecurities. It shook me to my core. I felt as though my entire world and all I believed was true about relationships and love had come crashing down into tiny pieces around me. I was as low as a being can be.

BUT still, somehow, I knew that my man was and is crazy in lust and love with me, and this confused me greatly. I was having enormous difficulty reconciling this in my addled little panicky brain.

What I did know though and from the beginning was that this was a tremendous opportunity to look at and release old habits and patterns, protections that no longer served me and in fact hindered my growth as a woman, a sensuous creature.

These “safe havens” which I had accumulated, hid things, things I had pushed away, ignored, or didn’t even know were there. I had created them, these walls of varying thicknesses, barriers, curtains which I started putting into place starting at a young age. And it was time to let them go if I wanted the kind of life and love I had only dreamed about up to that point.

There are numerous tools and modalities available to help with the process, many of which I tried. Some worked for me, and some did not. Try anything and everything that attracts you. I detail many in my e-book. Things that didn’t work for me may very well help you. I found meditation and journaling wonderfully helpful as a catharsis and as methods to work through emotions, ease the pain as more and more of my stuff rose to the surface asking to be cleared away.

Having someone close to you, someone you trust with whom to talk is a hugely hurt abating practice. Finding like minded individuals via the internet is tremendous for not feeling so alone, and the women on a good site will be unbiasedly supportive.

You need to keep the communication going with your man as you work on your healing. Confrontations or even a “can we talk?” will cause your man to shut down. Speaking your feelings from the heart on the other hand will not. Briefly, just tell him how you feel. That’s it.

He may or may not respond. It doesn’t matter. This is about you. As an example, “I feel really nervous bringing this up, but it’s been bothering me and making me feel bad. I feel so insecure and just so not good enough when I think about you looking at pictures of other women, especially naked ones. It just feels so awful.”

That’s really all you need to say. Don’t expect anything, not resolution or even a reply. If you get one great, but don’t expect it. Keep talking about how you feel using those words exactly, “I feel…” You can also ask him for his help with this. Men love to help.

No matter what your man tells you, that he will stop etc., he probably won’t, and believe me when I say you would much rather have it out in the open than hidden from you. This creates secrets between you two, and SECRETS are DAMAGING. They will cause rifts between you.

You may never feel totally okay with porn, and that’s okay. You CAN come to a place where you are mostly okay with it, and you may even come to embrace it sometimes if this is what you want. You may not want this yet, but if you really love your man and he you, and this can have its place in your life with him as in not being a deal breaker, this is somewhere you may want to consider going. You will have to accept that porn is not going away, not likely.

Men are just wired differently than women. Men are far more visual than we in that they are far more easily aroused by visuals, and they enjoy being aroused.

There is a big difference in how they respond to visuals though as compared with women.

Most of us women, when we see someone who attracts us whether in a photo or on a computer, TV, or movie screen or in the flesh, are far more prone to go off into fantasies about this person. We very quickly create an emotional connection which can include all our senses in our imaginations.

Men on the other hand become briefly aroused, and that’s the end of it. He’s onto the next thing, a news article, business at hand, sports. The OBJECT of arousal is forgotten already.

We can linger with our memory of this person we saw briefly for hours, days, months even.

This is not so for men. Now I used the word object on purpose. If a man loves and is in love with his woman, someone to whom he is devoted, body, mind, heart, and soul, other women are simply that, objects of arousal. When he sees or thinks about his woman on the other hand, she is his FIGURE of DESIRE, a REAL life, three-dimensional woman, a figure he ADORES.

This will sound strange, but OTHER WOMAN ARE GOOD FOR  US. Other women keep our man’s juices flowing for US. Men can get quick buzzes of arousal, drops of hormones building throughout the day or a couple of days to bring to us, and thus they come to us with far greater desire. Other women fuel the fires of their lust for US. They do not want those other women. They want US.

Porn is a funny thing. Men are not so much programmed socially to look at porn, though that can certainly play a role, as men are hard-wired to look at women. It’s the biological spreading of the seed far and wide thing. In eras past men would act on this all the time, far more than now, for the most part. Nowadays men look at nudie pictures or video clips, movies. It doesn’t mean anything.

And it isn’t a boys will be boys thing. I hate hearing that. That’s a lame excuse for bad behavior, strip clubs as an example though some women see those as an extension of porn and not a threat, but for me this is too real and not okay. Men simply love to look at women. It makes them feel good, but again there is NO emotional context, connection, not even likely in their fantasies.

Of course your man wouldn’t have a problem with you looking at pictures of naked men and not because you probably wouldn’t be into it, and he knows it. It’s because his looking to him is no big deal, so in his mind your looking would also be no big deal. Now if you put pictures of you out there which to me is much more the equivalent of a man’s porn viewing habit, then that would be a big deal. Double standards indeed, but some things for the most part cannot be changed and just have to be accepted.

Please don’t make any quick decisions. Work on your own healing first. You will go up and down for awhile, and this is okay. It’s part of the process.

You do have to decide at some point though if you can learn to live with porn. If your man loves you, is attentive and loving towards you the vast majority of the time, what does it matter if he likes to warm himself up with porn, FOR YOU?

Now if it becomes something where he neglects you or gets himself off with porn more than with you, then you have cause for concern. My man very, very rarely goes all the way looking at porn. He would much rather save it for me, but he is also a little older and has slowed down some. So don’t worry or fret too much if your man does orgasm to it now and then.

If he has been backing away from sex but has been anxious and stressed, this will affect a man just as much as it affects us, and patience as well as an open heart would be the suggested medicine.

Men also like variety, and I use this term loosely. I too get easily “bored” probably far more than my man does. I like to spice things up. I love gorgeous lingerie, and so does my man, but honestly he’s more into just seeing my nakedness.

I also like to make naked pictures for him and short masturbation clips on the webcam which I will leave on the computer for him to find. Sometimes right before he comes home from work, I will wait for him in the bed or at the door all hot and ready for him.

He’s not into the dress up thing, but I think that would be fun to try. Nor does he like lap dancing or pole dancing, but many men do. It’s something to consider introducing into your sex life.

Most men love to watch us touch ourselves, so if you feel uncomfortable or shy touching yourself in front of him, start small. You will get over it eventually, especially when you see how much it turns him on. You HAVE to know that he WILL NOT notice the parts of you that you don’t like. He just sees the woman he loves and is hot for, and that’s all he sees, so please LET all of that GO.

Know that you CAN HEAL from this. It may take time, a little patience, but if your man is truly a good one, then it will be worth it.