how do you know if he’s worth it?
Filed Under (porn, process, relationships) by tinque on 24-02-2010
That is a tough yet wonderful question.
When I look back to the time when I was struggling with the porn issue, wondering if this was something I could live with even if nothing ever changed around it, I had to ask myself this question.
I didn’t really sit down and analyze K’s character as in making lists of positives and negatives, nor did I run any of his character traits through my brain, yet in a way I did. Rather I must have, just not really as a conscious thing.
Maybe I should have done this, for it might have taken less time to sort myself out. Maybe it would have aided my process. Maybe it would have given me better direction. But chances are it wouldn’t have. Things take as long as they take. Processing has its own timetable, and this is different for everyone.
Much of my “thinking” about him and the decisions I made seem to have been more instinctive. It felt like it was something I just knew. I suppose I must have abstractly gone over in my head who he was to me, how he felt to me. I had known him three years at this point, so all the cards were on the table. I have said that it takes at least two years to really know someone, especially the older you are (more baggage) and preferably having lived with them for a good portion of that time.
In K’s case there were no other real red flags. There had been little things along the way that sorted themselves out, as we got to know each other better and learned how to live together, be together as a couple learning how to complement our styles. It’s a little like having growing pains. A learning curve in how best to mesh. There was nothing serious at all though, and for the most part all was going along as I wished it to, even more than I had dreamed in many areas.
Porn was the first thing to come up that really disturbed me. For a long while I thought about his habit A LOT. I felt I had to. For one I wanted to be clear, to be very sure he did not have an addiction, for I didn’t believe I had the strength to deal with an addict. I have high tolerance for a great deal, but my sometimes shaky sense of self then and maybe even now could not have withstood someone addicted to sex or porn or anything like this. Any of these would have instilled too great a fear of cheating in me. Just too great a fear, and fear feels awful.
Aside from his enjoyment of porn which for many women is so not a big deal, there were no other negatives in this man.
My “therapist” and mentor at the time who soon became a dear friend, held my hand closely through this painful part of my processing. And she kept asking me to ask myself if I thought I could live with this. She also asked me to consider if I was willing to give up all that was evidently so good in this man for a silly habit that had never interfered in our life together, not sexually, not in any way whatsoever.
It was obvious he loved me deeply/passionately, was very in lust with me, took very good care of me in many ways, looked out for me, always wanted to come home to me, has never wanted a boy’s night, preferring my company, my presence, has never been stingy or mean, has never lost his temper, has always been patient and calm, considerate and sweet.
He has always been warm, kind, and caring. He has always allowed me to be ME and loves every bit of ME, quirks and all, even when I’m being cranky which admittedly is not very often, and he especially adores my weirdness.
Of course all of of these qualities he has still apply if not more so now, and I’m sure there are more that I’ve unintentionally omitted. He is still as loving if not more so to this day, even has the words now, is deeply affectionate all the time, expressing this multiple times a day. He’s SO happy to come home to ME every night, more so than ever. And we have a beyond amazing sex life. He never neglects me in this or in anything else.
So of course the answer to her question was a resounding NO. And since porn viewing is SO prevalent, something almost every male of every age does, there was a very high probability that the next man I met would also be into it.
Try asking yourself this if you’re unsure. The thing or things that bother you about your man, are they big enough to give up all the rest that he has which is wonderful? Does the good far outweigh the not so good? Are his quirks actual deal breakers? These are serious questions, and not every one will have the same answers.
I’m sure there are women out there who might reject someone like a K for this. And sadly I might say, for they would miss out on SO much, and assuredly their insecurities which is what this comes down to will show up again in the same or similar form. One way or another they will have to confront them or remain miserable.
I worked deeply and intensely for over three years with this issue. I still have it come up for me now and then when my insecurities come to visit, but I recognize them for what they are and can dismiss them far more readily.
I decided and happily so, especially in retrospect, that it was up to me to deal with my out of proportion reaction to what is for all intents and purposes, in this case anyway, an innocuous act. Yes it was a struggle, and it took a long time, but I got through it because I knew in my heart of hearts that this man was worth it. WE were worth it.
xxoo
Tinque: this is so beautifully written. I especially like the part about it taking as long as it takes to work throught it. And I love that you were able to see that even though some things are hard it doesn’t make them deal breakers and we can love our relationships enough to work thruogh our
Oh it feels so good having you back. Yum.
Yes to everything you wrote, and yes again.
xxoo
This is me today and below was 6 months ago, i’m sorry its so long but its my way of giving back because you gave to me your wisdom and strength..
shee says…I wrote this 6 months ago and holy CRAP, I have come soooo far. I am a Goddess now, because of you Tinque and of coarse I had to do the work. You gave me the tools that I have used, my man is amazing and you know something it wasn’t about me, He loves me, respects me, honors me, nurtures me, makes love to me like no other man has,we communicate lovingly and honestly, he shows me every moment were together how much I mean to him, oh I could go on but I know you know what I mean and I know he feels the same way, my insecurities have vanished, but like you they come to visit once in awhile. We have had a talk lately about living together and how does that feel, I gave up and excepted he doesn’t want to get married so of course my insecurities came up and i thought he was getting his needs met so why would he want to live with me, well, guess what he said hes been thinking about us living together for the past couple of months, with my little girl, myself and him of course,he wants to be a family. Tinque again you are an amazing woman to share your experiences and hope with love and honesty. You my sister, are truly a gift from God…
Hugs Sheila
Posted on: 18/Sep/2009@7:58 am
Hi, I had posted this on Rori’ board and she was kind enough to write this for me, this is a wonderful site.
Author: Rori RayeComment:Sheila, I think this is one for tinque –so be sure to post this question on her blg – sexandheart.com…for me.
I’m still left confused that this is so normal, can it be other intimate reasons.
I’m very frustrated,also sad, but I am very much in love with my boyfriend. I’m 49 years old and my partner is 50… He has not been in very many long term relationships, longest one has been 8 months, for my self I was married for many years then divorced because of a unhealthy relationship, my second relationship lasted almost 10 years then my boyfriend died in 2006. I met my new man in april of this year. we have great chemistry,laughing,spirituality, cry together, loving, enjoy tantra which he introduced me to. We love the intimacy it brings us.. I could go on, but i need to ask this question…He told me he used to masturbate allot, and give himself many orgasms,that’s cool i have also when I was in no relationship. But I think he is addicted to masturbating,He won’t kiss me anywhere but my lips and of course my sacred area, I asked him if he still does and he was open and honest about it. He says not anymore, I truly want to believe him but research from what little i found was that a man gets a high from doing it himself, he has let himself go into me once after 6 months( I think it surprised him) I told him how much I felt like we were one, he also agreed how good it felt, the other times we go a very long time making love because of the tantra we can both stop the ejaculation process (i Know that’s great) but he can’t ejaculate in me or even when he is still hard or has to pull out because he loses his hardness it becomes limp, Of course i don’t feel like I’m sexually attracted to him but i know i am by the way he touches and loves me, he uses the excuse of being tired or that maybe he’s not use to me i say bull crap! not to him though. The research also says, a man can get moody or not interested in having sex with their partner they are used to giving them pleasure only,,,I do every thing that turns him on we are both very open, he has taught me to love my body and not to be ashamed because of being used as a sex object all my life. He wants to be the best lover to me and he is, he tells me that no woman has made him so sexually attracted. We can talk about anything, except for his hand stimulating himself…i asked him once for honesty and told him that it was okay because he was alone so many years, hey I said i understand i have my toy also. please help me to find out if this is truly a problem or not, They also say that a man will have trouble focusing if they masturbate too much he has all the symptoms but i have no answers to go with, i’m sorry this is so long but i love my relationship and my man of course…but need help.> I want this relationship to be full of trust, and to be a healthy one…I have come to a point in my life where I have found someone who is compatible and enjoys life the way most people should. I want to be there no matter what and work on our relationship with our selves and on each other. Hes brought so much fullness into my life he is a bonus and I know he feels that way also.
Posted on: 18/Sep/2009@7:58 am
How could I forget this!
Oh one more thing, he is worth every tear that I shed, and I cried hopelessly every night till i found your site, the tears are now full of happiness xoxo hugs
Sheila – I have tears rolling down my face as I read this from you. They are tears of pure joy. I’m SO, SO thrilled.
This is is amazing and warms my heart so much.
Sending you love dear Shee…
xxoo
Hi Tinque, I also had tears running down my face as I read your article because of the love i feel inside.Your articles are beautifully written and supply tools for all of us. I wanted my relationship to work, for the first time in my relationships I had found P. I wanted to do everything differently this time. My past relationships were unhealthy for bothsides…But I had to own my part to get past my demons. At 48 I finally knew what I wanted and didn’t want. I made a list for myself and a list for a future partner…As I wrote my list for myself I had learned allot about myself, and some of it wasn’t very nice….I think for any relationships to work we have to change our behaviors first…Just my opinion of course. I had to step back and have an open mind to except I was not a victim or knew all the answers, which again put me in a place of learning more about myself, instead of always complaining about what my past relationships were, I had to look at my contributions to the relationships…Yes, maybe they were abusive, but I had to ask myself why? Why did I allow the abuse and or to be used again in the next relationships.
I had to look at his picture, then had to pull out my grade 12 year book, from 1978.
P and I are truly a love story, I would like to share with you.First a little about my last relationship before P.
My daughters daddy died of an overdose, in November of 2006, which of course I was in denial about him using drugs, I thought he was my soul-mate, after he died, that was over 3 years ago, I went into a deep depression, my daughter was 6 at the time…I felt dead inside,and she didn’t have a mommy present because of my grief. Sure I was there but only the shell of a body.I never thought I would want anyone again in my life (Grief will do that) So my little girl was now without her daddy, and her mommy was as low as one human being could get. I cry as I write this because again I’m opening up old wounds that haven’t healed completely, you know that should have, “that if only voice.” Fast forward, now. I started to pray again, I lost that faith when my partner died so it was a double whammy. I gained so much weight, comforting myself with food. I began to walk and started back on my journey through life again. I felt peace again and began to see some hope for a better life..I was showering, cleaning house and eating better and of course being a mommy again. I started going to meetings and socializing again with friends..I was laughing and smiling before I knew it, but I was in NOWAY!!!! looking or ready for a relationship, sure I was lonely but thats when I started to work on myself in January of 2009. In the beginning of March of 2009 I was loosing my weight for myself and putting on make up again, making a list of affirmations, looking in the mirror,searching every article I could find on healthy relationships,self esteem,affirmations etc. forgiving myself, letting go of the guilt and anger.It was like me, but a new woman emerge that knew what she wanted in life and of course not wanting, I wanted to be happy… But it was a different kind of happiness, I started to love myself for the first time ever in my life, All the shame of being sexually abused as a little girl, physically, mentally,and verbally as an adult started to leave. My spirituality began a new course. It was around the the first week of March 2009 I decided to Join a well known site that you could meet up with old friends and class mates. (P had joined at the same time)But I didn’t know this,at that time. there were many classmates that wanted to add me as their friend an vice versa.Well, I met P again, I say again because P and I went to the same high school together and hung around in the same groups but never being together, we just happened to be at the same parties and some classes together. We didn’t hang out or even have conversations. We just knew of each other. P sent me a message and asked , you know, the typical questions, hows life, do you have children, married what have I been up to since our 2oth reunion etc… Embarrassed now, “don’t remember too much of that reunion” or even him for that matter. (drinking then, its now almost 13 years since I have had a drink of alcohol) I was known as the party girl.) At first, I couldn’t remember P, I would never tell him that though
So I responded back and told him about my sons who were 21 and 22 and my daughter who was 9. And about my partner that died and I was not in a relationship, i asked him the same questions back..
I hope this isn’t too long or boring, I ‘m also a writer and sometimes I keep going and going not knowing when to end.:).
He responded back and told me he has never been married, no kids and that he lives in the basement suite of his parents home, then he asked if I wanted to meet up someday and have coffee. Holy $%$% I was taken back, I took a couple of days to respond..Was I ready, was he gay, hehe, because he told be his longest relationship lasted 6 months and he had been single for 5 years now.He still lived at home at 49, so many questions. Well I responded and ask him instead of coffee can we go near the water, it had been along time and being by the water was something I loved and missed. He got back to me and gave me his phone number, I thought to myself again whats this about, “he asked me for coffee why should I call him.”(I found out after , that he thought it was more appropriate for him to give me his number instead of asking me for mine)
Well I did call him, and we set a date for April 7th 2009, he was going to take me to light house park. I was eating really healthy so I packed some snacks, strawberries, yogurt, grapes, veggies. Little did I know those were his favorite foods, he ate very healthy, played soccer since high school (my favorite sport) road his bike everywhere and loved nature. I met him at his house so we could take his car to the park, when I stepped out of my car, shaking, nervous, wanting to puke lol. He gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek, I looked at his deep brown eyes and felt something I have never ever felt before. I fell in love that day with a stranger but not a stranger, he started talking about his group of friends from high school and I knew these guys well, because I partied with them all…So it was like we had a history but not a history of being girl friend boyfriend kind,
God we laughed, like two 16 year olds, his hand brushed across mine and we lied there holding hands, like we had been together for years. we both turned at the same time and our lips met each other and fire began to build in my body. “OK,” I thought to myself “its probably because i had not been touched by a man in a long time and my hormones were screaming TAKE ME NOW!!!!!”It was 11 months on March 7th our year anniversary is coming up April 7th. We have never missed a phone call to say good night to each other. We have had lots of learning curves, but like I said, all the tears I have cried are worth more than Gold. We have been out with our class mates and they are sooo happy for P because they are all married and P had been the single one….We all laugh because, we all say, who would have thought Sheila and P together….God, I love him so, and I know he loves me, he shares our story with everyone.Thanks for reading this hehehe
Love Sheila
We are all worth Love, respect, honoring, compassion etc, but we need to find that in our selfs first. Only then can we give that to someone else
Hugs Sheila xoxo
Sheila – Thank you so much for sharing your story. It IS possible to reprogam our destructive habitual patterns. You are living proof.
Please keep in touch. I love hearing about your triumphs and joys as well as the blips if there are ever any.
xxoo