faltering
Filed Under (inner struggling, openings, process, the journey) by tinque on 15-02-2010
Have you ever had a moment or several of them or hours or maybe days or even weeks when you feel like you’re drowning? AGAIN!!! When all the great work you’ve done, all the clearing away, letting go, releasing, opening, all the reprogramming seem to vanish in seconds?
And you find yourself feeling like you’re sinking into a big pit of yuck, call it sadness or depression or something else, and you just feel SO awful?
This doesn’t happen to me very often anymore, but when it does, I feel almost like I want to simply disappear. It’s all feels too hard. I feel helpless. I feel hopeless. And so desperately frustrated.
This kind of episode seems to come about whenever I experience a sizable shift in my energy as in an opening in my heart and/or a physical release as in an opening within my body or both. For the emotional is so closely tied with the physical, you cannot separate them, and they will often happen concurrently.
Last week I experienced a good sized release in my back, some of the muscles around my heart, down the sides of my torso and mostly on the left (female side). It felt SO good. The relief from the discomfort I have been feeling so much of the time felt amazing. The openness, the freedom, the clarity of energy coming out from my heart felt so beautiful, so pure. I felt so filled up. I felt so connected to life, to love, and of course to K as well.
But then I suddenly became utterly overwhelmed with waves of suffocating fear and pain. Many of my old “bad” thoughts arose. Many of my insecurities reared their ugly little heads and seemed to take me over. I would awake in the morning feeling like the weight of the world was pressing on my chest. I wanted to pull the covers over my head and sleep for an eternity. I almost felt as if I wanted to die. I got a glimpse of what it might feel like to want to end it all. Everything felt meaningless.
I tried speaking to K about the old, “bad” thoughts which went not so much badly as with no comfort or resolution for me at all. What I did was to jump back somewhat to old stuff, old speech, back into a repetition of what has been discussed before, so naturally we went nowhere.
Nowhere is better than falling into an argument or a stand off, the former we’ve never really had, but the latter yes we have. There are things I wish I had said and still yearn to say them, but we’ve been down that road before. To walk that path where men and women cannot meet comfortably is senseless.
It’s almost impossible to explain yourself to a man. They don’t function that way. They don’t always feel the way we feel nor in the same way, and they don’t think about certain things the way we do and also not in the same way, so trying to put words to what is incomprehensible to them is as good as speaking in another language. It is another language.
There are just some differences between us that cannot always be reconciled and have to be accepted, embraced as part of the wonderful beings that they are and vice versa.
I wished I could have taken my words back and instead told him what I was really feeling which would have been a better way to go. What I should have done is to tell him exactly what I just told you, that I was feeling overwhelmed with bad feelings and insecurities which would have left the door open for him to soothe me, hold me which always helps ease things if only a bit.
But that was not an option. And to try and back pedal and get into any sort of explanation as part of me would have liked to would have made his eyes glaze over. So I have to leave it alone.
Yes I was still feeling bad. And I haven’t felt this badly in a very long time. As bad as I felt though, there was no comparison to the depths of pain I sank into when I began this intense lap of my journey. I knew he couldn’t help me with this. But this is all okay. Great even. This is part of processing, and we all have to go through it in our own ways and at our own paces.
Even though I was still feeling awful, there was a cleanliness to it. I don’t know how else to phrase this. It felt as though my psyche was cleaning house, clearing out some remaining debris, residual cobwebs.
I thought about this, and I realized that this is exactly what I was doing. The big release around my heart let loose some old stuff, and now I had the opportunity and good fortune to feel it to its depth and allow it to dissipate. It’s like clearing the path to allow my true self to emerge, myself as love.
It took all I had to put my racing thoughts aside, and since they were still coming at me, I had to keep doing this over and over again. I was able to do so enough to sink into all the icky feelings so that they could transform. And eventually, after a week, maybe two, they finally did.
So I want you to know that we all falter, feeling like we’ve lost everything we’ve gained, but it’s not so. It’s really steps forward. This is just part of being human, and it’s wonderful, for it lets us know we’re growing, blossoming into all that we are.
xxoo
This, once again, came with the utmost perfect timing, my sweet spiritual friend. How do I know I am on the right path? Because posts like this come to me when I feel there is almost no hope left. Somehow my heart always attracts something to keep me moving for one more day…to help me look up again.
I have found the icky comes up when I have released a large amount as well as when a big change comes up. I know we have talked about this before as well.
I love how you said that its about really feeling it again. I know I needed to hear that once more–for sure. I also believe the piece about it being different feelings…ones you haven’t let out yet. Its like there are so, so many layers that I have built so they just keep getting peeled back.
The part I have trouble with (although, must admit am getting MUCH better at..lol) is not believing the old yucky feelings when they arise again. Its so much easier to realize they are not real when I am in a good spot compared to when I am in a “bad” spot. I feel like I get caught up in it again and start the procedure all over again. Frustrating to say the least.
Either way…it feels good to read your blog. Amazingly good…just to know that this is progression…feeling bad is progression…LMAO…that is just funny to say but sooo true and so comforting.
HUGS!!!
Maybe Just a little tweak here sweet Erin – believe the yucky feelings because they do come from a reality that once was. But you can reject the thoughts that go with as lies.
So in a way they are one and the same.
And yes LYAO bunches. Laughter is great medicine.
I’m so happy you’re here.
xxoo
Dear tinque,
three days ago i started feeling what i call “flaky”. i’ve been through it before yet this time it felt even more intense. A month ago, i pushed my man of 6 yrs away (certainly not the first time) and thought i was dealing with it very nicely until…3 days ago. It starts with like a cloud trying to consume me and i can’t shake it. Then the tears start and then an overwhelming fear as if i’m gonna lose it. Well, last night, the “transformation” as you put it so well, started to happen. i was “shown” to myself and how ugly i really can be…esp to men. This relationship has been all about ME, MYSELF AND I. If he didn’t love me the way i wanted him too, i push away and start to look for someone else. He has a heart of forgivness and gold and has put up with it continuously. Even when i got arrested for a DWI, he was ready to hock whatever he had of value to get me out. He drove me to and from work every day even if it meant he had to get up earlier or go in later. Last night i cried so much and for so long i felt like a “portal of heaven” was opening and God had this really great news for me. i have always loved “conditionally” and with so many expectations. i wondered why i never “felt” loved. i wasn’t giving anything back. i was shown the highest of love energy (called agape) and i did something i absolutely HATE doing….i called him and apologized (ok so it took 3 times of picking up the phone). He was right there to forgive me and we had a good talk. i can’t tell you how much better i feel today tinique even though my eyes are burning outta my head from crying and my head aches from lack of sleep. Yes…transformed…good word. Thanks so much for sharing with us. Love Lily xxoo
Tinque,
You just explained it so well.I have these intervals of feeling good and happy and at peace with everything then the next thing i know i am back to feeling bad and insecure and afraid and there is conflict and thoughts running though my mind trying to explain why and what i should do,what i should have done.Maybe i am not doing right,i am not thinking right.I should not be thinking this way i should not be feeling bad.
I don’t understand why certain thoughts are so attached to certain feelings.It feels like an old record playing over and over again.
They however bring out my insistent need for things to be different and the need for life to be a certain way,for thoughts to be a certain way.A feeling that i am not really the way i want to be.
As you said as bad as the feelings may be,it feels like a cleanliness.A light shining on me and directing my way to awareness.
I feel the urge to let go and stop fighting and resisting.
Lily – I’m happy you had this revelation. Another thing to think about is not having expectations. I just wrote about this yesterday on another site. Expect nothing, so you can be pleasantly surprised by whatever comes your way.
People have their own style of giving, and if you have an agenda, you will miss some very precious gifts just because they didn’t look like you had imagined.
This may be part of why you didn’t feel loved aside from the now what is to you obvious walls you had erected.
Maybe you weren’t opening your heart and mind to what was right there. It was wrapped in blue paper instead of purple. Make sense?
xxoo
Tracy – What a great analogy. It does feel like a record stuck on a loop or on a scratch in the disc.
It doesn’t really matter why certain thoughts occur with certain feelings. What matters is that you can recognize when you are triggered, observe your seemingly endless loop, and in that it loses some of its charge.
It just layers upon layers of stuff.
These times really do become fewer and farther between though it does feel distressing when they do come, like you’ve gone backward, but now you know it’s not that at all. As Erin said above, it’s progress.
xxoo
I love what you say about it being impossible to explain yourself to a man. That is very true, yet it is not impossible to be understood by a man, but it takes a while to learn what to say and most importantly what NOT to say.
Exactly Tina T. When we do learn how to speak to men in words they can hear, it’s all so much lighter feeling, and it’s really very easy.
Short and simple and in feeling messages. Allow them to solve their own problems, and let them help you with yours even if you end up doing it your way.
Keep your heart open as much as you can as often as you can even when you are feeling hurt.
xxoo
tinque i just read what you wrote on a different site:
“Instead of looking to express how much you will miss him when he’s gone, express how good it feels when he’s there. Melt with every embrace etc. Say that it feels so good.
Instead of looking to get something he’s not giving, look at and deeply appreciate what he does give.
Just a different way of looking at things.
And YOU will feel better too.
xxoo”
So beautiful. Thank you, tinque.
Thank you Stacey. Perspective can mean the difference between misery and joy.
xxoo
Dear Tinque,
i need to comment on your words,
“Keep your heart open as much as you can as often as you can even when you are feeling hurt.”
This is exactly what i DIDN’T do! When my special man didn’t give me what i wanted, i closed my heart up, off, down and pushed him away. When i think about it now, it reminds me of a spoiled stubborn child.
i feel men have a need to be in control, some more than others and if i’m feeling the same way…well, it’s train wreck off the track.
It became some kind of sick game where if he wouldn’t give me what i want… then i’m not going to give him what he wants! How childish is this?
So when you say…” Instead of looking to get something he’s not giving, look at and deeply appreciate what he does give.”…i NOW ’see’ what you are sharing. i was SO focusing on what he WASN’T giving. You’re most likely familiar with the different love “languages” and he just wasn’t speaking mine yet at the same time I wasn’t speaking his either. Oh what a mess relationships can be when we can’t or won’t “see things differently” like you say. And, yes, you are making sense to me now that my inner eyes are having the scales removed. It took the 5 week break up to get to this point.
Fear is the next issue i need to deal with. Any suggestions? xxoo ~Lily
I want my butterflies back, why only 10 months am i missing that feeling? Could it be it was only what I wanted to see. Could it be I’m going to be 50 this year…….
Lily – Closing your heart off is what most of us do. It’s habit, and it’s the easier way.
We all have our unique ways of giving which can only be changed so much. And the changes if any usually have to start with the woman. Men seem to find their heart more easily and more completely through their woman’s heart. As we change, so will they.
It may not seem “fair” but if you can be okay with this, then much will open and expand for you including your relationships with men.
In regards to giving and love languages, when we can see how much our men are telling us they love us even if it’s not in our language, our lives and relationships open up in new and beautiful ways.
For example K never said he loved me, not for three years and only then somewhat under duress.
As I learned to relax around this and not fret about what he wasn’t saying, I was able to see that he WAS saying it and every day, many times a day, just not with words. It was in the way he looked at me, the way he wrapped me in his arms and held me close, the way he made love to me and what he did for me.
When I was able to let this go, the words came more readily. It’s still not that often, and sometimes I ask for them, but when they are spoken, there’s more depth of meaning.
Fear – a tough one and one you may always deal with to some degree or another which is okay.
I talk a great deal about fear in my e-book among other things such as opening your heart through discovering your sexuality, love, communication and more. It’s only $20, but if that’s too much right now, we can talk some more. It’s a big topic, too big to handle in a comment here.
xxoo
Sheila – I’m not sure what you are asking me. Could you clarify this for me? I’m guessing you aren’t feeling butterfly excitement feelings around your man anymore, but I don’t want to presume, so please fill me in.
xxoo
Yep, thats right tinque, were 20 minutes away from each other and we spend wayyyyyyyyyyyyy toooo much talking on the phone. Am i being selfish? He calls everyday, every night before bed time…Its like were in a long distance relationship.I know he loves me, I love him but I want so much more.
Have you told him you don’t want to just be friends (with benefits)? That you’re looking for an exclusive, committed relationship or marriage if that’s what you want?
Have you told him that though you love talking to him on the phone, especially right before bed, you don’t want to spend this much time doing so. Because you love being with him in person.
Have you told him you miss him, you miss feelings his arms around you?
How long have you been together? I apologize if you’ve told me, and I’ve forgotten.
How often do you see each other in person? What do you do together? Are you having sex? Are you positive he’s only seeing you?
Is he older, younger, same age? Children? Your and/or his? Has he said anything about his intentions for you, for the future?
I don’t know what the problem is just yet.
xxoo
Here is something to consider saying as well Sheila – “I don’t want a friendship with sex. I want a man who’s into me and wants to be with me and marry me!”
If marriage is what you’re looking for. But I wouldn’t suggest blurting this out just yet. Hold on to it for now.
xxoo
Hi again Tinque, how can u remember me you get 100’s maybe more than that of posts…
I’ll try and refresh your memory..
Man was masturbating too much, had the talk..
Not wanting marriage, had the talk
Not feeling worthy had the talk
um mm now I can’t remember he he
All these went very well
we communicate grate, Tantra great, Were both going into our 50’s. I’m his longest relationship of 10 months..He lives at home but separate suite, parents are in their late 70’s he can’t leave his home now his parents depend on him, lawn,maintenance, garbage etc..I’ve talk to him about the possibility of us ever living together, or has he thought about it. Not today (living together I mean)I’ve excepted the fact about him not wanting to get married ever, even though he has never been married, We’ve also talk about my feelings of not wanting to be just a girlfriend for the rest of my life, remember I have a 10 year old daughter, he doesn’t have any children and no clue about kids. we are working on that very slowly, My daughter lost her daddy in 2006…No he doesn’t want to take his place nor would i want him too.
Ok I think I’m confusing myself now..
Thanks Tinque
hugs, Sheila
Oh yes I remember. It’s all come back to me.
Staying at his place would be awkward, but how about he stay over with you two three nights a week?
I’m concerned that he seems to be using his parents as an excuse to avoid moving this relationship forward. If they need help, they must have Social Security, Medicare, something in order to pay for some part time help. If they don’t need his help so much, then it seems to me he’s happy to keep the status quo, you as lovely yet convenient friends with benefits.
He seems scared. Will he ever be able to step up? It’s unclear.
You have to decide if you can live with this even if nothing ever changes.
You’ve talked, and some good has come out of it, so maybe it’s time to talk again.
You have some thinking to do too. Confusion is fine. The waters get murky, and then they clear.
Keep me posted as they do.
xxoo
Tinque, talk about confusion…i can relate to Sheila when she says ” He calls everyday, every night before bed time…Its like were in a long distance relationship.I know he loves me, I love him but I want so much more.” This was me! My man was showing me in HIS ways and yet i felt i NEEDED AND WANTED more. When i used the feeling messages it didn’t matter. It was like HE wants to be in control of the relationship. Is this OK? And reiterating what i’ve already told you, i DIDN”T GET what i wanted so i pushed away and started looking elsewhere. Trouble was, i still love him and missed his heart of gold. i’m seeing more and more of what you’re saying about accepting things the way they are until they change. i feel we woman think “things” might NEVER change and we get scared. i hear what you’re saying about this too.
My man and i were having sex the first 2 yrs of the relationship until i sobered up and didn’t like what was going on. I wanted more. Well, i stopped the sex. He proposed to me yet, at the time, i was still trying to sort my life out and said “NO.” He moved on and we didn’t see each other for 6 months. i never saw anyone else. i missed him yet felt i was probably just “addicted” to him or something. When he called me at my job and told me he missed me (after being with 2 other woman) and could we see each other. i said yes and we started over. Then i found out he has a gambling problem and that scared the heck out of me. We wound up getting engaged but the FEAR took me over (again) and my pushing away cycle started all over again! UGH!! So it’s been 3 years of no sex for me (don’t know about him, esp with the breakups). Tinque, i only want to bond myself in marriage yet…the fear seems to get hold of me and i revert back to being by myself.
My man is slowly coming back into my life AGAIN and i don’t want to mess it up! When he doesn’t give me what i want, i feel like i’m settling for “scraps” or “crumbs”. When i read how you have overcome this, it gives me HOPE. Maybe i need to shift perspective like you talk about. i was always the “glass is half empty” and need to train myself to think differently, huh? i guess i just don’t want to stay with someone who might NEVER give me what i want and i’ll be love starved and wind up leaving him for someone else. HUG~Lily
Lily – Telling a man what you want even when you use feeling messages comes across like you’re demanding, or you don’t like what it is he does give you.
You get what you want from your man to the best he is able to give by melting big time WHEN HE DOES do what you like, moaning softly or smiling really big, opening your heart hugely, and telling him how much you love it when he does…… or OOOHHHH this feels so good. Or this makes me feel smiley, warm inside, yummy, or some other words that express how pleased you are.
And the more you accept what your man gives you without feeling inside that it’s not enough, for he can feel this somewhere, the more he may change his giving style, even if only a little, like I told you what transpired with me.
The words for K were terrifying to him. Now he has no problem with them, loves them even, and he is happy to give them to me when I need a fix.
And some men are just not able to step up. There is that possibility.
BUT, and this is important, as I said above, instead of looking for what he’s not giving you, love and embrace what he does. What you thought you wanted may already be right there, just wearing a different covering.
And the more he feels appreciated for having pleased you, the more he will want to do so. Men really do want to make us happy.
Now as wonderful as a man might be, it is possible his fears run too deeply, and he will never commit which could be okay as long as you are exclusive. A piece of paper may just not be an option for him. You then have to decide if your love is strong enough so that whatever is missing is not all that important after all.
Fear is insidious and a difficult cycle to break and even then it will rear up now and then.
It sounds to me though you have been attracting men who are not good for you in the long run in order not to face your fear, as in gambling man, major red flag.
It also sounds to me like your ready to challenge your fears. This is great. I’m here whenever you need me.
You have the right idea. The glass is half full my dear.
Can you tell me what it is you think you want and is missing?
xxoo
Tinque, i can’t tell you how much i was looking forward to coming home today and checking my email for your response. i have to tell you something… i don’t take advice from just anyone. You have a softer yet firm way of answering us which i find more palatable. Thank you for being you!
i’m thinking a great deal of what i “want” stems from my early childhood. My mom wasn’t affectionate and didn’t give me any quality time. Yes…there were 5 other kids yet when you’re growing up you don’t consider this, you just know somethings missing and you feel empty. i heard somewhere along my years that we tend to gravitate to the “familiar”. Guess what? These very wants are the same with my special man. He’s not very affectionate and quality time to him is to take me the the movies (right….no communicating there.) or sitting in front of the television set.
i LOVE to kiss and he has the softest sensual lips ever! Yet he’d give me one once a month if i was lucky! Or… if i went to kiss him, he would tighten up his lips! It was as if he were deliberately NOT kissing me (like some kind of control issue). It would infuriate me and i would wind up saying something very sarcastic to which he’d really pull back then. It was, i was “damned if i did and damned if i didn’t.”
Yes, the gambling was an immediate “red flag” as soon as i discovered it. This was one of the main reasons i was fearful to marry him when the proposal’s came my way. My imagination would really do me in, trust me.
His emotional distance is another frustrating aspect of the relationship. And yes…this was my step dad! So, if we always gravitate for the “familiar” … what is the answer? No wonder when a different type of man like me, i’m not THAT interested. Do you think there is some kind of challenge in this to me and this is why i do it? i’ve always had difficulty accepting people JUST the way they are. Hugs~Lily
Oh yes, you are being attracted to the familiar. And you’re not alone. Most of us do this to our detriment, for most of us had less than idyllic childhoods and less than available parents.
This is not to blame them. They did the best they could given the inadequate tools they were given for emotional openness and child rearing.
I too was attracted to one emotionally unavailable, angry man after another, emotionally abusive though not physically. SO clever with the words to make me feel wrong every time. It was a mixed bag in the sexual area, and none were affectionate. I’m ENORMOUSLY so, so this was quickly squashed in me for a long time.
The biggest part of this is recognizing your pattern which you have.
My next suggestion is to try something new. Try going out with a man to whom you ARE NOT initially attracted. I don’t mean repulsed by him but maybe ambivalent.
K looked very different than the men I was normally attracted to aside from the height. I seem to prefer tall men even though I’m small.
Our first date was nice enough yet awkward. I did not feel comfortable, and there really was no pitter patter, heat beating fast, my legs are melting, I gotta have him feelings.
I consciously decided that I was going to ignore the initial thoughts about his looks and his seeming nervousness which could possibly be narcissism, for he talked all night about himself. I was going to just keep myself open to possibilities.
Well my open mind paid off, for K is the sweetest, most affectionate (talk about my being starved for it come flooding back), kindest, most considerate and generous man.
Sure he has his shortcomings, as in the fear of words for the longest time, yet the more I have opened my heart, the more he has come along for the ride, and our love styles now mesh very nicely. We’ve been growing together in the most lovely of ways. Sex is through the roof and keeps expanding.
Yes it was mostly me working on me which facilitated much of this, yet men are more quiet about this. They work too, softly underground. When I look back over these past eight years, he has grown a lot as have I. Through my heart, yes, but that’s okay. Men do better growing themselves through a woman’s heart if she allows it.
I’m talking so much about myself to demonstrate how it is I broke my pattern of being attracted to the familiar.
It has been difficult at times, breaking my habits and I’m sure for him too, but IT IS possible.
If I’ve asked you this I apologize, but have you read my e-book? I kind of do remember I did. It will help you with many suggestions for doing this, breaking your habits and working through the ickiness that is bound to arise. Though porn was my catalyst for doing the work on me that I did, these suggestions apply to any and all situations. Pain is pain.
I’ve given you a lot here to consider though if you are unable to get the book. And please keep the questions coming. I love having you here. I love your willingness to change what has not served you.
xxoo
It’s morning here Tinque so, “Good Morning”.
i have to read and re read your answers b/c i so appreciate the depth from which they come. Sure sounds like you, too, have successfully managed to have help in overcoming the tragic ups and downs which life hands us through relationships. This is why i can’t share with just anyone. Perhaps when i get my tax refund i can then purchase your e-book. Thank you that you are not ALL about selling it and are willing to help those in need. i believe if i have been shown a revelation to be a better person, i then desire to freely give it to someone who’s in pain and it’s there time to be set free.
i’ve noticed SO many other relationship sites do NOT personally answer you like you do. They let other lost and confused people answer one another. Sorry, i don’t want to be pulled into a long string of other people moaning and groaning about what they are going through, offering up advice when they aren’t even changing themselves.
When you answer in the way you do with solid tried and true suggestions, ones you have actually lived through and are winning with…THIS is the person i’m inclined to trust more.
You say to “accept confusion the waters get murky and then they clear.”
This is something i never could do until now.
When confusion would start coming into the picture, i got scared and very insecure thinking something is SO wrong, i need to get out of this. The murkier the waters got, the more fear, jealousy and insecurity would double thier attack.
You also said, “I consciously decided that I was going to ignore the initial thoughts about K when I first went out with him.”
So, what i’m hearing you say about a successful relationship is…ACCEPTANCE and making CONSCIOUS decisions.
The anger i experience, comes from the lack, ignorance and being emotionally arrested in both these areas.
My special man (J) called me last night. Of course i was happy to hear from him (after what is now 6 weeks into the break up) and knew i had to start putting into practice what you talk about. He confessed he is fearful to get back into a relationship with me yet if i ever need him in ANY way, to call him. Then in the next breath he invited me to take a drive with him in his new car “one of these days”. NO affirmations that he still loves me. He also said he’s NOT interested in starting a new relationship with anyone else either. So…do i go ahead and meet the man who’s coming to town to meet me next week even though my heart is with J?
XXOO ~Lily
Thank you Lily for your sweet words. I can only share my experiences and discoveries, my challenges and triumphs and where more needs to be done. If what I say resonates with you, then I’m thrilled and delighted. It truly feels good touching hearts with another being.
Yes part of what constitutes a successful relationship is acceptance and conscious decisions. There is also love which can mean different things to different people, respect, an open heartedness, companionship, fun, a sharing of one’s self, enjoying each other’s company whether engaged in an activity or not. And very important for me but not necessarily for all women is a really strong sexual bond. FOR ME, I feel most alive and connected to my own heart and body and spirit, to life and beyond, and of course to K during sex and also after during the snuggle/cuddle part.
I don’t know why this is true for me, and it really doesn’t matter. It may or may not be true for you.
J sounds wary to me right now, justifiably maybe, as you refer to your pent up anger which may have popped in to visit at times. It’s okay. he obviously still wants a connection to you.
I suggest you keep expressing yourself and your feelings, calmly. Listen to him when and if he responds. DO NOT contradict him, for he feels as he does. You don’t have to agree with him, but do not not deny him his feelings as you wouldn’t want yours to be denied either. It’s his truth as he sees it right now. You just nod; if you’re on the phone you can offer an mmmhmmmm. That’s neither agreeing nor rejecting him.
Yes go out with someone else if only to practice being open, expressing your feelings, keeping you heart soft and open, building up your confidence with these tools.
You don’t go out with the intent of meeting a new J. You go out just to be out in the world, gathering new energy.
Don’t look at these as dates but practice. Coffee or tea get togethers are good. Lunch. Maybe not dinner and definitely not drinks.
J will feel your expanded energy, and maybe he’ll feel safer and want to set a date for that drive in his new car.
xxoo
i sometimes panic because my man doesn’t sya he loves me directly. i seem to crave it when i’m feeling insecure. reading your comments, tinque, makes me feel a lot better. he does so many things for me and shows up every day. but i’m a vocal person and words mean A LOT to me. i feel happy that this is not just a hang up of my own!!!
Hello Lm – It’s so lovely having you come by to viist. Thank you.
Oh my goodness you are so not alone. This was a difficult one for me to learn, for I LOVED the words too even though my experience had been for the most part, up until K, that the words were mostly meaningless. Pretty rhetoric with nothing or little behind it.
Then this man, K, comes along who had no or few words. When the lightbulb finally went off for me, that he practically shouts I love you just without vocalizing it every day, many times a day, WOW is all there is to say.
And now that I’ve let this go and so revel in the action of I love you, the words come more readily, and funny, as lovely as they are, and don’t get me wrong I do love hearing words of endearment, I now prefer the demonstration of it, the joyful hugs, the loving embraces, kisses, cuddling, and naturally sex that has evolved into a depth and intensity I never thought would be possible for me, the stuff of romance novels.
xxoo
I have tried to,as an exercise, notice the loving things he’s done since I read the blog last night: picked me up in a cab to watch a movie, put his hand on my back while I slept and this morning came back into bed after his shower and pulled me toward him for a full-body hug. This is a fun exercise and wow, do I feel good!
Yes, yes Lm!!! This is SO good. I’m so thrilled for you. So much will open up for you now.
xxoo