Sex and HeartHow I transformed devastation into love and loving lust

“I was reading sections of your book again. I can’t read it all at once because there is so much feeling and emotion in it, and it speaks to me in ways no other book ever has. So I read a bit here and a bit there and then digest that so to speak and try to feel out how it would work for me.

The one thing that really struck me is the fact that you actually opened up and went where he was going. Those porn sites. Opened yourself up to it and at the same time to him. So it is not all about leaning back to get what you want, sometimes it is stepping up and forward to be a part of what he is and wants. Or am I seeing that wrong?

It is of course something that you did for yourself. explored and discovered, but I am wondering if what he did had not triggered you in that way and you had not done what you did – would you be where you are today with yourself and with your relationship?

You did that for yourself but didn’t you also do it for the relationship because he was worth it? You together were worth it”

Okay. This is important and needs clarification, firstly what I did back then and also to demonstrate the subtleties which can arise when you are working on leaning back. I understand where you might see this as me leaning forward, but I did not step forward to be a part of him, in other words to change myself to please him, nor did I do this thinking this would be what HE wants. He didn’t ask me to share any of this with him. This would likely have never occurred to him. He DID NOT ask me to participate. I don’t believe he even secretly wished for this.

The unspoken was for me to accept him for who he is, to TRUST him in his love for me, to accept that what he does has no bearing on his feelings for me, not his love nor his lust, that it’s absolutely not a reflection on me whatsoever. He may have had a habit, but he did not have an addiction.

I could not accept all of this at face value though. Many women can but not me. When I don’t “get” something, I have a need to understand, to feel what a person feels and think how they think as closely as possible. In this case the only way I could come up with to delve into K’s his mind and his heart in order to reach an understanding within myself was to immerse myself in his behavior.

Eventually there came a time where I felt compelled to ask for a front row seat right up close and personal, i.e. ask to share it with him that I may see for myself how innocuous it is for him with my own eyes and to also feel this with my entire body.

He had no idea what I was doing for a long time. He had no idea about the work I was doing on myself. He did not know I was exploring porn for myself, but this exploration was not necessarily as a form of entertainment. It was a means to an end, a way of overcoming a deeper fear. This was the only way I felt I could truly meet the fears that porn aroused in me, head on. He had no clue until the day I asked him to show me what he does.

I had a huge resistance to and fear of porn. But why you might ask. I don’t know, and it really doesn’t matter. What does matter is that his porn habit was a trigger for much more important issues inside ME, things I may have not been aware of or if I was, I had up until then, ignored them or pushed them away.

This alone would have been cause for me to look at and explore this dramatic reaction within me complete with intense obsessive thoughts. I was clear that this was something I needed to address inside myself. It meant something much deeper was happening in ME, something having nothing to do with porn.

Delving into porn really came about because the revelation that the enjoyment he derived by looking at it brought me to a place where I had to decide if this was a deal breaker. I had to ask myself, was this thing he did which was a habit and not an addiction, for it did not interfere in our love life, our life as a couple, nor with his own life, something that I absolutely could not live with?

I had to ask myself if all the other really wonderful stuff worth rejecting over this, a silly habit? Was this man, this relationship worth it to me?

Somewhere inside me I knew this was a very special man, special enough to for me to finally deal with my stuff. Yes he was someone worth it enough for me to do this work. If he hadn’t been, then maybe I wouldn’t have braved the elements inside me. For if I had not faced my fears which were not porn but what this triggered in me, then likely we would not still be together and if we were, it definitely would not be the intense passionate, deeply intimate bond we now have.

So not only was there more going on here aside from the porn, I also had something at stake, this relationship. This man who in every other way was a perfect fit, a soul mate if you will, was yes in a sense the impetus, but he was never the instigator.

This was really about me and for me. I had deep issues that had been plaguing me for much of my life. I had never felt good or comfortable inside myself let alone around men. I had always wanted a REAL relationship with a man, and I also wanted a happy relationship with myself. But my fears seemed to prevent me from digging down as deeply as I would have to do to get what I wanted. It took this, something that shook me to the core, but I didn’t do it for anyone else but me.

Sure I hoped he would respond positively. Sure I wished his habits would change too. But my goal was get to a place where whatever happened, I would be okay.

So I wasn’t leaning forward at all. I was in fact leaning back. I was taking care of me.

So though it might look like I was leaning forward to become part of his world in this, I was actually leaning back to take care of my heart and my spirit and my body too, for the only possibility for me in coming to accept if not embrace this “thing” and thus all of K, not just pieces of him, was to grab the bull by the horns so to speak. I had to immerse myself in this “thing” FOR ME, so that I could see for myself how not a threat it is to me. I did it to heal a piece of me.

And as result of my healing I inspired some healing within him which included new thoughts and feelings around porn but more importantly his own heart and spirit and how that relates to us.

As I have said, love brings up anything unlike itself to be healed. The world and especially intimate relationships are a reflection.

xxoo