Sex and HeartHow I transformed devastation into love and loving lust

That is a tough yet wonderful question.
When I look back to the time when I was struggling with the porn issue, wondering if this was something I could live with even if nothing ever changed around it, I had to ask myself this question.

I didn’t really sit down and analyze K’s character as in making lists of positives and negatives, nor did I run any of his character traits through my brain, yet in a way I did. Rather I must have, just not really as a conscious thing.

Maybe I should have done this, for it might have taken less time to sort myself out. Maybe it would have aided my process. Maybe it would have given me better direction. But chances are it wouldn’t have. Things take as long as they take. Processing has its own timetable, and this is different for everyone.

Much of my “thinking” about him and the decisions I made seem to have been more instinctive. It felt like it was something I just knew. I suppose I must have abstractly gone over in my head who he was to me, how he felt to me. I had known him three years at this point, so all the cards were on the table. I have said that it takes at least two years to really know someone, especially the older you are (more baggage) and preferably having lived with them for a good portion of that time.

In K’s case there were no other real red flags. There had been little things along the way that sorted themselves out, as we got to know each other better and learned how to live together, be together as a couple learning how to complement our styles. It’s a little like having growing pains. A learning curve in how best to mesh. There was nothing serious at all though, and for the most part all was going along as I wished it to, even more than I had dreamed in many areas.

Porn was the first thing to come up that really disturbed me. For a long while I thought about his habit A LOT. I felt I had to. For one I wanted to be clear, to be very sure he did not have an addiction, for I didn’t believe I had the strength to deal with an addict. I have high tolerance for a great deal, but my sometimes shaky sense of self then and maybe even now could not have withstood someone addicted to sex or porn or anything like this. Any of these would have instilled too great a fear of cheating in me. Just too great a fear, and fear feels awful.

Aside from his enjoyment of porn which for many women is so not a big deal, there were no other negatives in this man.

My “therapist” and mentor at the time who soon became a dear friend, held my hand closely through this painful part of my processing. And she kept asking me to ask myself if I thought I could live with this. She also asked me to consider if I was willing to give up all that was evidently so good in this man for a silly habit that had never interfered in our life together, not sexually, not in any way whatsoever.

It was obvious he loved me deeply/passionately, was very in lust with me, took very good care of me in many ways, looked out for me, always wanted to come home to me, has never wanted a boy’s night, preferring my company, my presence, has never been stingy or mean, has never lost his temper, has always been patient and calm, considerate and sweet.

He has always been warm, kind, and caring. He has always allowed me to be ME and loves every bit of ME, quirks and all, even when I’m being cranky which admittedly is not very often, and he especially adores my weirdness.

Of course all of of these qualities he has still apply if not more so now, and I’m sure there are more that I’ve unintentionally omitted. He is still as loving if not more so to this day, even has the words now, is deeply affectionate all the time, expressing this multiple times a day. He’s SO happy to come home to ME every night, more so than ever. And we have a beyond amazing sex life. He never neglects me in this or in anything else.

So of course the answer to her question was a resounding NO. And since porn viewing is SO prevalent, something almost every male of every age does, there was a very high probability that the next man I met would also be into it.

Try asking yourself this if you’re unsure. The thing or things that bother you about your man, are they big enough to give up all the rest that he has which is wonderful? Does the good far outweigh the not so good? Are his quirks actual deal breakers? These are serious questions, and not every one will have the same answers.

I’m sure there are women out there who might reject someone like a K for this. And sadly I might say, for they would miss out on SO much, and assuredly their insecurities which is what this comes down to will show up again in the same or similar form. One way or another they will have to confront them or remain miserable.

I worked deeply and intensely for over three years with this issue. I still have it come up for me now and then when my insecurities come to visit, but I recognize them for what they are and can dismiss them far more readily.

I decided and happily so, especially in retrospect, that it was up to me to deal with my out of proportion reaction to what is for all intents and purposes, in this case anyway, an innocuous act. Yes it was a struggle, and it took a long time, but I got through it because I knew in my heart of hearts that this man was worth it. WE were worth it.

xxoo

Can you imagine feeling your full, lusciousness, your goddessness which is your birthright as a woman most if not all the time? Can you imagine feeling fabulous no matter your size, shape, or age?

Can you imagine a heart so big and open and spilling over with love, you can suspend yourself over the edge of a precipice utterly fearless? Can you imagine this precipice as love for yourself? How about your man?

Can you imagine allowing yourself the freedom to feel wonder and awe each time you touch, kiss, embrace, make love? Can you imagine feeling renewed, replenished in the gift that your lover fills you with, his member as well as his love? Can you imagine falling in love over and over again with the same man?

When our relationships don’t work out, we tend to push our goddess selves aside. We lose faith in love. We may even believe that love is for anyone but us. We fall into the trap of believing we are unlovable, undesirable. And this just keeps our true goddess self even more deeply buried.

But you are lovable and desirable all the time. You are a goddess all the time. If you can believe this, then you will naturally do the things to make you feel this even more, your juiciness, your gorgeous goddess self. Goddessness will ooze from you more and more. You will feel this wonderful feeling more and more even when your heart is hurting.

One of the most critical things you must do to recapture your goddess self if she has faded into the background is to stop being critical of how you think you look. You only look that way to you, and this perception must be changed. You must come to own that you are beautiful regardless of anything, period, end of sentence, nothing more to say.

You are uniquely you, and there is nothing more beautiful than that. Why compare yourself to another when there is no comparison to be made.

Every time you pass a mirror, blow yourself a big kiss. OUT LOUD, tell yourself you are beautiful, stunning. Tell yourself how special you are. Tell yourself you love yourself.

Yes you may feel silly doing this, but do it anyway. Yes your lying little gremlin voices will want to jump in and deny everything you just said and did. Tell them to shut up. In time you will believe yourself.

It also doesn’t matter how much you get done in a day or what you do to make money. It doesn’t matter what you wear, what kind of if any make-up you put on, or how you style your hair. The images the media give you are NOT REAL, so ignore them. Avoid magazines if you must. Change the channel on ads that promote these kinds of falsehoods. Fixating on any of this keeps you from coming into your true self.

All that matters is that your heart is open and you are experiencing all the joy and love the universe has for you whether you are in a relationship with a man or not. You are always in a relationship with yourself, “THE ONE” whether “the one” is in your life or not. “THE ONE” is you by the way. There is no greater love than love for you. “the one” is a wonderfully lovely extra surprise.

And when he is there, you WILL be able to feel every little bit of him with this huge heart you’ve allowed. You WILL feel each and and every nuance when you make love. You WILL fill up with SO much love. You WILL fall in love with this amazing man and with yourself over and over again, maybe every time you see each other. Because you WILL feel brave enough to be vulnerable with your heart, with him. You being all the goddess you can be.

So open your heart as big as you can. Feel the freedom therein. Speak in her voice. Expect nothing. Be forever surprised. Feel your love. Love what you feel. Embrace your sensuality. Love your sexuality. When you are experiencing your fullness, living each moment as if it is your first, when you cease to be constantly in your head and you sink deeply within your body, feeling all that you feel, your true goddess self can than emerge unabashedly, vibrantly alive, full of lusciousness. Step off of your safe little ledge, and just know that someone or something will be there to catch you. (YOU MAYBE?)

Loving yourself hugely and freely, allowing yourself to be authentically you is the biggest turn on, and it gifts you with a grace and essence that is timeless, eternally youthful. And this can’t help but enhance “THE ONE” and thus attract “the one”.

xxoo

Have you ever had a moment or several of them or hours or maybe days or even weeks when you feel like you’re drowning? AGAIN!!! When all the great work you’ve done, all the clearing away, letting go, releasing, opening, all the reprogramming seem to vanish in seconds?

And you find yourself feeling like you’re sinking into a big pit of yuck, call it sadness or depression or something else, and you just feel SO awful?

This doesn’t happen to me very often anymore, but when it does, I feel almost like I want to simply disappear. It’s all feels too hard. I feel helpless. I feel hopeless. And so desperately frustrated.

This kind of episode seems to come about whenever I experience a sizable shift in my energy as in an opening in my heart and/or a physical release as in an opening within my body or both. For the emotional is so closely tied with the physical, you cannot separate them, and they will often happen concurrently.

Last week I experienced a good sized release in my back, some of the muscles around my heart, down the sides of my torso and mostly on the left (female side). It felt SO good. The relief from the discomfort I have been feeling so much of the time felt amazing. The openness, the freedom, the clarity of energy coming out from my heart felt so beautiful, so pure. I felt so filled up. I felt so connected to life, to love, and of course to K as well.

But then I suddenly became utterly overwhelmed with waves of suffocating fear and pain. Many of my old “bad” thoughts arose. Many of my insecurities reared their ugly little heads and seemed to take me over. I would awake in the morning feeling like the weight of the world was pressing on my chest. I wanted to pull the covers over my head and sleep for an eternity. I almost felt as if I wanted to die. I got a glimpse of what it might feel like to want to end it all. Everything felt meaningless.

I tried speaking to K about the old, “bad” thoughts which went not so much badly as with no comfort or resolution for me at all. What I did was to jump back somewhat to old stuff, old speech, back into a repetition of what has been discussed before, so naturally we went nowhere.

Nowhere is better than falling into an argument or a stand off, the former we’ve never really had, but the latter yes we have. There are things I wish I had said and still yearn to say them, but we’ve been down that road before. To walk that path where men and women cannot meet comfortably is senseless.

It’s almost impossible to explain yourself to a man. They don’t function that way. They don’t always feel the way we feel nor in the same way, and they don’t think about certain things the way we do and also not in the same way, so trying to put words to what is incomprehensible to them is as good as speaking in another language. It is another language.

There are just some differences between us that cannot always be reconciled and have to be accepted, embraced as part of the wonderful beings that they are and vice versa.

I wished I could have taken my words back and instead told him what I was really feeling which would have been a better way to go. What I should have done is to tell him exactly what I just told you, that I was feeling overwhelmed with bad feelings and insecurities which would have left the door open for him to soothe me, hold me which always helps ease things if only a bit.

But that was not an option. And to try and back pedal and get into any sort of explanation as part of me would have liked to would have made his eyes glaze over. So I have to leave it alone.

Yes I was still feeling bad. And I haven’t felt this badly in a very long time. As bad as I felt though, there was no comparison to the depths of pain I sank into when I began this intense lap of my journey. I knew he couldn’t help me with this. But this is all okay. Great even. This is part of processing, and we all have to go through it in our own ways and at our own paces.

Even though I was still feeling awful, there was a cleanliness to it. I don’t know how else to phrase this. It felt as though my psyche was cleaning house, clearing out some remaining debris, residual cobwebs.

I thought about this, and I realized that this is exactly what I was doing. The big release around my heart let loose some old stuff, and now I had the opportunity and good fortune to feel it to its depth and allow it to dissipate. It’s like clearing the path to allow my true self to emerge, myself as love.

It took all I had to put my racing thoughts aside, and since they were still coming at me, I had to keep doing this over and over again. I was able to do so enough to sink into all the icky feelings so that they could transform. And eventually, after a week, maybe two, they finally did.

So I want you to know that we all falter, feeling like we’ve lost everything we’ve gained, but it’s not so. It’s really steps forward. This is just part of being human, and it’s wonderful, for it lets us know we’re growing, blossoming into all that we are.

xxoo

Attack from the blue can be a strange and uncomfortable experience. Confusing. Disconcerting. Upsetting.

Has this ever happened to you? You are carefully, mindfully with as much care and concern as you can muster in the moment, and it is genuine, offering support or comfort to someone in pain, when out of seemingly nowhere, this person launches an attack. The more you attempt to explain yourself or soothe this person, the harder he/she comes at you it seems.

I had to really ponder this one, ask myself what this could possibly be. Where does it come from? Why? I can understand it if there was underlying malicious intent or maybe some negative thoughts, possibly conscious or unconscious judgments behind my words of encouragement, but when sincerity and grace are the essence? It seems not to make sense.

Yet we are all products of our pasts. For instance if nearly every time someone was offered kind words, especially when young and vulnerable, and these words were repeatedly and rudely retracted then similar feeling words could set off warning bells when someone even hints at tendering a kind word even if truly spoken.

Or if behind a seemingly caring smile and sweet words, lies lay lurking, then this person may have developed a sense of mistrust of anyone offering solace. Or if this person has been at the receiving end of broken trust from the mouth of a benevolent seeming figure, any similar situation will be cause for alarm, and the fur will bristle, the claws will be extended, the fangs bared, the walls will go up, and the ammunition raised. And this all can happen very quickly ANYTIME someone offers loving support.

Pretty much nothing you can say to this person no matter how lovingly presented will resonate with their bruised and damaged being. It may only fuel the fire more.

If it is you who is under this sort of attack, you must with all you have maintain calm, and keep your heart as open as possible even though you’re hurting now too, feeling slighted, abused even. Your every instinct might scream at you to attack right back. But please don’t. The only thing to do in this situation is to breathe deeply, back off, and leave it be.

But what if you are one of these people who tend to attack, or just feel like you want to, your every fiber feeling threatened even though it’s really love that’s being given? How can you heal this?

Knowing that you can be triggered in this way is a start and the biggest piece of this. Looking for habitual patterns within yourself is another. Desire to more realistically realign your responses is yet another piece.

Now when this situation next arises, take a really good look at the person who seems to be the cause of your feelings. Has this person consistently been a figure of love and support? If yes then you must go inside as deeply as you can, and discover what is it that triggers this response in you. Bit by bit work to relinquish its hold on you.

Always taking a look at yourself first is a good idea anyway whenever you feel triggered whether you react this dramatically or not, for the world IS our mirror. Chances are what is triggering you is your projection, you pasting your apprehensions and fears onto this person in front of you, and this poor person is completely innocent.

Whenever someone summons a strong negative response within me, I look within to see if this is something within me that I dislike. Or is it something from my past that has nothing to do with what’s at hand, but somehow it’s reminiscent, and it’s triggering this incongruous response. Or it could be very real, and it’s your instincts at play though that’s subject for another discussion.

People who lash out are inevitably in pain. As much as they may initially arouse pain and/or anger inside you, it’s very helpful to recognize their reactions have little if anything to do with you. Knowing this will help calm the desire to strike back.

This is a good time to practice opening your heart to them even more as difficult as this may be. NO ONE is a write off. NO ONE. We are all struggling. We are all on our paths, working through our lessons at our own paces. We are all flawed. And we are all beautiful in our imperfections.

Underneath all the “stuff” there really is love. In love there is compassion. I encourage you to find yours which will inspire others to do the same.

xxoo

“I was reading sections of your book again. I can’t read it all at once because there is so much feeling and emotion in it, and it speaks to me in ways no other book ever has. So I read a bit here and a bit there and then digest that so to speak and try to feel out how it would work for me.

The one thing that really struck me is the fact that you actually opened up and went where he was going. Those porn sites. Opened yourself up to it and at the same time to him. So it is not all about leaning back to get what you want, sometimes it is stepping up and forward to be a part of what he is and wants. Or am I seeing that wrong?

It is of course something that you did for yourself. explored and discovered, but I am wondering if what he did had not triggered you in that way and you had not done what you did – would you be where you are today with yourself and with your relationship?

You did that for yourself but didn’t you also do it for the relationship because he was worth it? You together were worth it”

Okay. This is important and needs clarification, firstly what I did back then and also to demonstrate the subtleties which can arise when you are working on leaning back. I understand where you might see this as me leaning forward, but I did not step forward to be a part of him, in other words to change myself to please him, nor did I do this thinking this would be what HE wants. He didn’t ask me to share any of this with him. This would likely have never occurred to him. He DID NOT ask me to participate. I don’t believe he even secretly wished for this.

The unspoken was for me to accept him for who he is, to TRUST him in his love for me, to accept that what he does has no bearing on his feelings for me, not his love nor his lust, that it’s absolutely not a reflection on me whatsoever. He may have had a habit, but he did not have an addiction.

I could not accept all of this at face value though. Many women can but not me. When I don’t “get” something, I have a need to understand, to feel what a person feels and think how they think as closely as possible. In this case the only way I could come up with to delve into K’s his mind and his heart in order to reach an understanding within myself was to immerse myself in his behavior.

Eventually there came a time where I felt compelled to ask for a front row seat right up close and personal, i.e. ask to share it with him that I may see for myself how innocuous it is for him with my own eyes and to also feel this with my entire body.

He had no idea what I was doing for a long time. He had no idea about the work I was doing on myself. He did not know I was exploring porn for myself, but this exploration was not necessarily as a form of entertainment. It was a means to an end, a way of overcoming a deeper fear. This was the only way I felt I could truly meet the fears that porn aroused in me, head on. He had no clue until the day I asked him to show me what he does.

I had a huge resistance to and fear of porn. But why you might ask. I don’t know, and it really doesn’t matter. What does matter is that his porn habit was a trigger for much more important issues inside ME, things I may have not been aware of or if I was, I had up until then, ignored them or pushed them away.

This alone would have been cause for me to look at and explore this dramatic reaction within me complete with intense obsessive thoughts. I was clear that this was something I needed to address inside myself. It meant something much deeper was happening in ME, something having nothing to do with porn.

Delving into porn really came about because the revelation that the enjoyment he derived by looking at it brought me to a place where I had to decide if this was a deal breaker. I had to ask myself, was this thing he did which was a habit and not an addiction, for it did not interfere in our love life, our life as a couple, nor with his own life, something that I absolutely could not live with?

I had to ask myself if all the other really wonderful stuff worth rejecting over this, a silly habit? Was this man, this relationship worth it to me?

Somewhere inside me I knew this was a very special man, special enough to for me to finally deal with my stuff. Yes he was someone worth it enough for me to do this work. If he hadn’t been, then maybe I wouldn’t have braved the elements inside me. For if I had not faced my fears which were not porn but what this triggered in me, then likely we would not still be together and if we were, it definitely would not be the intense passionate, deeply intimate bond we now have.

So not only was there more going on here aside from the porn, I also had something at stake, this relationship. This man who in every other way was a perfect fit, a soul mate if you will, was yes in a sense the impetus, but he was never the instigator.

This was really about me and for me. I had deep issues that had been plaguing me for much of my life. I had never felt good or comfortable inside myself let alone around men. I had always wanted a REAL relationship with a man, and I also wanted a happy relationship with myself. But my fears seemed to prevent me from digging down as deeply as I would have to do to get what I wanted. It took this, something that shook me to the core, but I didn’t do it for anyone else but me.

Sure I hoped he would respond positively. Sure I wished his habits would change too. But my goal was get to a place where whatever happened, I would be okay.

So I wasn’t leaning forward at all. I was in fact leaning back. I was taking care of me.

So though it might look like I was leaning forward to become part of his world in this, I was actually leaning back to take care of my heart and my spirit and my body too, for the only possibility for me in coming to accept if not embrace this “thing” and thus all of K, not just pieces of him, was to grab the bull by the horns so to speak. I had to immerse myself in this “thing” FOR ME, so that I could see for myself how not a threat it is to me. I did it to heal a piece of me.

And as result of my healing I inspired some healing within him which included new thoughts and feelings around porn but more importantly his own heart and spirit and how that relates to us.

As I have said, love brings up anything unlike itself to be healed. The world and especially intimate relationships are a reflection.

xxoo