Sex and HeartHow I transformed devastation into love and loving lust

Secrets between couples are BAD. No matter how I look at it, they are destructive, even a seemingly innocent thing.

I’m not saying one has to tell one’s partner every little thing. I don’t want to hear about my man’s past “sexcapades” just as he doesn’t want to hear about mine. What’s past is just that, PASSED. Sure things will be brought up in passing, but truth be told, I often wish they hadn’t and if I have asked, I usually wish I hadn’t. It may have been true then, but it’s not now. He may have behaved like that then but would not now. And vice versa. The knowledge of the past can cling to me and color my behaviors and reactions even if what I know has no bearing on the present. I don’t want that, for this would be a LIE. It’s not the right here, right NOW.

I have said that nothing is innately bad, and this possibly can hold true if a secret comes out under less than ideal circumstances IF, and this is a BIG if, the eventual revelation of the secret leads to personal growth and a deepening of the bond between the two people. But this is shaky ground on which to walk. It could very well cause someone to walk. It may be a deal breaker. Is it really worthy that risk?

Admittedly there could be cases where someone truly is ignorant to the fact that what they have been keeping to themselves is something other than innocuous because that’s all it has meant to them. It’s also possible that they know somewhere inside that this is something that ought to revealed but either deny this possibility to themselves, or they are embarrassed, possibly afraid, afraid of judgment which really means rejection and/or abandonment.

But a person is usually well aware if he/she is keeping something from the other that could potentially cause confusion, doubt, hurt. Sooner or later the secrets will emerge and sometimes to devastating effect. Please, if anything at all weighs on your mind, even if part of you feels it’s really just a nothing, the part of you that feels otherwise will end up taking precedent in your psyche and resident in your energy field. The conflict within will be felt in some way. It may also cause you to withdraw and withhold in other ways.

Please don’t wait for whatever it is to come out in ways out of your control. You and your relationship might never recover. The trust you thought you had between you will be called into question. Re-establishing trust is difficult at best.

Again I’m not saying to share every little detail. I strongly advise NOT to share things about past relationships unless they relate to the present one or they are heavy on your mind as in maybe the most recent one if it had painful elements that you are still working through.

Secrets are as deception, not a good base for a strong and intimate relationship. If you honor your relationship, don’t keep them.

I sincerely believe that there CANNOT be real intimacy in an open relationship. I say adamantly and feel strongly that if you don’t want loyalty, fidelity, and monogamy with one special person, you will not feel a true, deep, and abiding connection, nor will you be able to succumb to the feelings of utter abandon and whole-hearted openness which is true INTIMACY.

Without exclusivity you can’t even begin to feel vulnerable let alone consummately so. Without the ease, comfort, and bared soul that allows you vulnerability, unabashed ecstasy will not be, not sexually, not spiritually, not ultimately. Sex might feel good. It might feel really, really good, but you will just have no idea about GOOD until you have experienced SEX with HEART. And this can only be discovered, unveiled, and experienced between two people who have taken the time and care to TRULY know and FEEL each other, no holds barred. This is true intimacy.

Imagine feeling so SAFE with, so filled with TRUST for THE ONE that you can OPEN yourself completely, body, heart, and spirit, LET yourself GO so completely and absolutely, be so purely VULNERABLE in the presence of your one and only, someone who you love and adore, someone who loves and adores you. Imagine the heights and depths you can reach when your heart and mind are so FREE yet so CONNECTED. This is LOVE at its most divine, maybe its most pure. This is TRUE intimacy.

I’ve succumbed. I am now officially a twitterer. I am twittering. I twit. I twitter as tinquebelle since tinque was unavailable. Should I change my blog name? Opinions please…

http://twitter.com/tinquebelle

What I find to be a test of my patience, my will, a challenge to every fear I have is teasing out my “stuff” from his. When I’m feeling triggered in whatever way, MOST of the time, it’s all ME, and I’m projecting ME stuff onto him. Even when I think HE’s acting weird or withdrawn, most of the time it’s ME who is feeling anxious about something, often unconsciously.

I try to go under the assumption at all times whenever I’m feeling icky and the negative, nasty voices escalate, that it’s ME. Something has been stirred within me and has roused an old thought or feeling, and the sneaky lying gremlin voices have been let loose.

Whenever I’m feeling good, it’s also all ME, and for this lovely peaceful time somehow I’ve managed to quiet the mean little buggers, and all that flows through me is the REAL ME, a vessel of pure LOVE. This ME inspires the same kind of feeling in him, usually. The other me gratefully does not, not usually. He does have a lovely way of knowing that he doesn’t have to nor does he want to take on my ick, not usually. He also has a delightful way of making me laugh away much of the ickyness, usually.

BUT that doesn’t necessarily mean I feel all better just like that each and every time. Sometimes those lying gremlins can be quite persistent. Sometimes they do overwhelm. Know that it’s okay. There’s no need to panic or beat yourself up for giving way.

At these times I sink deeply into the ick, BRIEFLY. Then I do my best to push aside the nasty voices just as persistently. I breathe deeply into my pelvis, allowing the energy to flow through, more cleanly, more smoothly with each breath, as the natural tendency to tighten up during these moments is unavoidable. The breath helps to shake loose the bindings that hold tightly inside. I take myself gently by the hand. I talk to myself. I melt into a sensual meditation.

I’ve now allowed room for NEW better feeling feelings to arise. And I can now have clarity on the situation at hand. And usually it is ME. If it really isn’t me, I step back and allow him to work out whatever it is by himself. Staying OUT of my “stuff” helps him. And it keeps the door open for him to unload and/or share with me and thus let his “stuff” go.

Most of your world as you see it and feel it is a projection reflecting your inner world to you, an almost perfect replication.

I know sexual rejection hurts. The first time I was turned down for sex, I thought I would die. I was SO hurt. I felt SO embarrassed. I felt SO rejected.

These days I get rejected a lot, well not a lot, sometimes.  But it no longer throws me, for now I know it’s not a rejection of ME. It’s not ever about me at all. I also know it will be picked up later that evening or in the morning. What it’s usually about is that he’s had a rough day at work and wants to unwind first, or he’s just too tired or just has too much on his mind whether it be the state of the world or something else. Or he’s not feeling well. Men are not as raring to go ALL the time as we’ve been led to believe, especially as they get older.

Most women when faced with a situation such as this board a runaway train with their little brains and allow the train to take them all over. For example – “He’s rejected me.He doesn’t want me.He no longer finds me attractive.He’s tiring of me.He wants to look at porn instead of me.He wants anyone but me even if it’s two-dimensional image, at least it’s something new.I’m not pretty enough.I’m not sexy enough.I’m too fat.I’m too skinny.My boobs are too small.My boobs are too saggy.I’m too old.I’m————-(you fill in the blank).Sex is not so important to him.We’ll never have sex again!!!”

BLAH BLAH BLAH. It’s ALL LIES. Remember the lying little gremlin voices? They’re screaming at you right now. SHHHHHHHHH. Shut them up. Scream back at them. Turn your back on them. Put your hand over their mouths. Stick them in a corner and ignore them. Do whatever it takes to calm yourself. Shower yourself with whatever feels the best to you. And leave your man be. He will come to you eventually. Patience. And in the meantime, not that you’re waiting for him, go make yourself smile in whatever way you can.

I have to remind myself of this too, for as sensitive as I am, I feel every little shift in his energy. Whether it be weird moods or withdrawal or a turn down for sex, I tend to take it personally. On the occasions when I feel a twinge of the old shaken to the core feelings, for I have shaky moments too like everyone, and old thoughts arise (they can be powerful on your vulnerable days) it’s now far easier to talk myself down because I know the truth way deep down or maybe it’s not so far down. It’s right there for me to reach out and hold. And I know how to take other steps, such as talking to myself or doing a quick meditation. Something else that is really nice and that has evolved as have I, now sooner or later K senses my feelings of hurt and rejected energy, as I’m working with them, and he always finds a way to allay my uneasiness.

I know it’s hard when you’re all tied up in knots. But you can do this. You can. He WILL come to you sooner or later, and likely it will be sooner as long as you can keep your focus OFF of him.

You might try this as an exercise to help you feel better: Imagine you turning your man on, turning him on much so that he finds you irresistible and can’t keep his hands off of you. Take this further. Imagine hundreds of men being turned on by you. You are a sexual, sensuous, beautiful woman no matter how old you are or what you look like. If you believe this, then it’s true, for it’s not about what you look like but the energy you exude. Turn this energy inward into YOURSELF AND YOURSELF ONLY. How does it feel turning yourself on too, in your imagination and in reality?

Your man will come to you, or he won’t.  He WILL feel the shift in your energy. If he sees you loving yourself, being good to yourself, enjoying your beautiful life without him (though the invitation to join you is always there) it may very well spark something up in him. If this man doesn’t come to you, another will, for you are immersed in joy and love. This is what you have created within YOU. And this leaves the door (or your energy) WIDE open for others to come into this lovely energy field that YOU made. This could very well be another man, the true LOVE of your LIFE. If the REAL deal is already there with you, and he’s just having a grumpy day or week or month, this love for yourself will likely pull him out of his funk all the more quickly, make him smile all the wider and love you even more deeply.

Loving and appreciating yourself above all else is enormously sexy and attractive. If your man doesn’t want to play, then someone else will.

If his out of the norm behavior continues though, you CAN approach him about it, speak to him. Tell him you miss him, you miss feeling close to him, you miss his body holding yours, you miss him inside you. Ask him if there is anything he wants to say or tell you. This will likely open things up for him if he’s feeling blocked and/or something is indeed bothering him.

And whatever he says, please believe him. If there is a deep problem, maybe counseling is needed, eg. if he’s depressed, having a mid-life crisis which is just depression with another name.

Even though women have the reputation for being ruled by their feelings, eg. sex drive disappears when something is on their mind, or it’s harder to warm up and/or orgasm, men are far more affected by their situations apart from the relationship than we are led to believe. When a man’s desire wanes, remember it’s more often than not due to outside circumstances.

So please RELAX. This too shall pass.

If nothing else registers from this article, PLEASE let it be this: When our men turn us down for sex, It’s ever so RARELY IF EVER about US.