Sex and HeartHow I transformed devastation into love and loving lust

We can take a lesson from our beloved pets. They are the ones who live honestly, AUTHENTICALLY.

You can love on them. You can hug and kiss on them. You can pet them and scratch their ears and chins. In this they fill us up and warm us to our cores.

Or you can ignore them, be inconsistent with your attentions. You can spank them, yell at them, be mean to them. They will still come and greet you at the door, smile at you,  rub against you, purr, wag their tails. They will STILL LOVE you.

We haven’t really learned the truths and the beauty in unconditional love which is how they live. We know it innately at birth, and then we seem to forget, or too much “stuff” gets in our way, and we repress it, suppress it, bury it.

Yet our pets don’t forget. Even when they are not treated well, they still love, cleanly, purely. All they know is love. They are LOVE, and it’s right there flowing from them and through them.

We can take this page from their book and continue to strive to be like them, as we shed our layers and let them go.  I choose to live by Kittyman’s example. In this way he can always be with me. In this way I can be free.

As some of you know I was in a serious car accident a couple of months ago.  I was in an even more serious one many years ago. (You would think I would have already used up my quota.) I have had many awful and tragic events unfold in my life. We ALL have had “things” that happened to us, things that don’t feel good, things that downright hurt horribly whether it be physically, emotionally, or spiritually. And sometimes repeatedly as in there’s a pattern.

I could say that something in my energy or psyche attracted this. In this case maybe my fear of moving cross country, venturing into a big unknown. I injured my hand maybe to the point I can’t continue my line of money making work anymore. Is it because I fear success or I hate money or I just don’t want to do this anymore? Or maybe it’s some other fear. Or maybe there is something else I’m not dealing with or looking at.

All of this has some validity and is worth looking at, but to take total responsibility, to blame myself, to tell myself it’s my fault is unproductive and potentially, no definitely, destructive.

Sometimes it just is what it is. Maybe there is some deep thing at work here, but I’m not going to torment myself in trying to uncover every little thing. At some point, sooner rather than later is healthier, you have to let it it go. Sometimes it just is what it is.

Now there are some who believe that you can get yourself to a place where you can be free of any and all things which interfere, get in your way, blocks that prevent you from moving forward or gaining what you want in life. That if you do this or that or both or any number of the enormous number of techniques, beliefs, and practices which abound, this freedom from the past, this elimination of all things which keep you from your desires will also keep you safe from harm, all the time, ALWAYS.

There are indeed many wonderful modalities and modes of therapies available which help you gain clarity which help free you from SOME of the chains that bind you. They ALL help. They ALL work. Some better than others. Which ones all depend on the individual. But only to a point and how far also depends on the individual.

But there is NOTHING that is infallible. There is NOTHING that will clear you completely. There is NOTHING that will get you to a place so pure nothing can touch you, not even if you employ them all. Not on this planet or plane anyway.

To believe otherwise and/or to act accordingly is foolish at best, fatal at worst.

Kittyman is gone. My belly hurts. My whole body aches.  My eyes are full of tears. My whole heart is brimming with them. Yet my heart is also bursting with intense and profound love at the same time. It seems contradictory. It sounds strange voicing it, penning it.

Yet being able to feel such incredible pain of loss in this way is also a hugely vulnerable thing. There are NO defenses, no walls, no curtains. Vulnerability as such opens the heart SO very big.

It hurts, yes, yet this feels sweet, bittersweet as in a morsel of the deepest dark chocolate; this feels tender, tender as a fresh wound, tender as in a loving caress from a beloved.

With this pain, there is tremendous LOVE. There’s nothing in the way. There’s no agenda. All there is is LOVE. There’s no room for anything else. It’s a PURE love.

In death there is rebirth. In loss there is love.

It’s time. Kittyman’s time has come, and it’s so hard, harder than I could ever have imagined.

He’s twenty years old and five months; he’s had a very long kitty life, yet this all happened so fast. One day he was fine, the next he was vomiting and couldn’t stop. One thousand hospital and vet dollars later, he rallied.

But suddenly yesterday, only one week later, he stopped eating and drinking again, this a cat whose entire life is FOOD, anything and everything. The doctor wanted to put him down right away, but I couldn’t, I just couldn’t and certainly not alone.

If he wasn’t suffering too much yesterday, he is today.

Yet I’m SO glad, grateful for these two extra days with him. He’s sitting by me right now. And I am having the chance to love on him  A LOT, and he wants to be here with me, the last day of his life.

Tears are streaming down my face as I write this. I’m going to miss my baby boy very much. I feel very, very sad right now, but K will be with me tomorrow for this. It’s time.

You get what you put out. In other words the energy you emit brings back the same. Like attracts like.

This is a powerful and potentially frightening idea. I’m NOT necessarily saying that every awful thing or person that comes your way is your fault. I AM saying that every great thing that comes your way you created.

Regarding the former statement though, I would like you to consider this; what doesn’t feel good to you, the “bad” stuff is not necessarily bad. The “bad” stuff can actually be good. Maybe in a medicinal sort of feeling way, yet it can be good nonetheless, for “bad” stuff carries important messages and lessons.

Think about this. Maybe something within, your innate pure self, your wiser self brought this to you to teach you, to bring you even deeper towards your core, your TRUE self, your tender, loving GODDESS self. IF you are open and willing to listen which requires you to relax, to not resist. IF you allow it to flow through you so that the information conveyed can be integrated.

This can be painful to read/hear. Think about this for a moment before continuing. Really take it in and feel it.

Now consider this. The vibration you THINK you are putting out may not be at all what you are really radiating.  And the input from your output may not resemble anything you thought you wanted or imagined for yourself, yet it’s exactly what you NEED. Its what you REALLY want and at just the right time. Again this takes being very open and willing to live and breathe other possibilities.

This way of BEing requires you to be acutely aware of yourself and also your surroundings, being sensitive to your intuition and to others energy, being so into your body and sensation that there is almost no or at least very little thought at all.`

I’m asking you to NOT pin your hopes and dreams on a specific result. I’m asking to you to be as flexible and fluid as you possibly can, or you may miss the very gift you seek.