Sex and HeartHow I transformed devastation into love and loving lust

I have been corresponding with a young woman who came to me for advice on discovering and exploring her sexuality. One thing she wanted to know is the difference between a clitoral and a vaginal orgasm. I first want to emphasize that each woman is individual. What she feels, how she discovers herself through her sexuality is uniquely hers. How much she can feel, how far she is able to take herself depends on her willingness and desire to be open and vulnerable and adventuresome within herself. Whatever she feels is fabulous whether she has full-bodied orgasms or none at all. There is NOT a right or a wrong, a bad or a good, or a better about any of this. It’s all GREAT.

This is also a process, one of discovery which includes the physical as well as the emotional and the spiritual, and it’s also an awakening which includes all of these elements as well. No matter where you are on your journey, if you have the desire to experience more, more deeply, more intensely, more profoundly, and you are willing to be patient with yourself and your pace, I promise you that you will feel more than you ever have before. The more you can release and let go, relax and surrender to yourself and your partner, the more orgasmic you will become in all ways.

Teaching yourself to relax is key. The more you do so, the more you will find places needing to let go and the more potential for even more intense orgasms will be available to you. An inextricable part of this is letting your “stuff ” go. One will not happen without the other. The more I’ve been able to work through and let go of things I’ve held onto, eg. guarding my heart against hurt, the more I’ve been able to release tension in my body and the bigger, more frequent, more reliable, and more intense have been my orgasms. It surprised me to discover how much I held within my body as aware as I thought I was, all kinds of places, little tight places unconsciously holding, chronically, habitually. All those tight holdings interfere to one degree or another not only with your ability to feel, emotionally and physically which of course includes your orgasms, but it also keeps your heart closed off, a little or a lot depends on how much you hold or hold onto.

That said I propose that there are three types or orgasms, clitoral, vaginal or g-spot, and cervical. I have read this before with skepticism until I discovered them for myself. The first, most obvious orgasm centers around the clitoris. I say the most obvious because it’s the easiest to find, and it’s an area that is so loaded with nerve endings, 8,000 on that tiny little head, that it’s usually the focus of most women and men’s attention for creating orgasm. It’s very sensitive to the point of pain and often needing additional lubrication to create a gentle barrier. I find having extra “juice” also creates more arousal for me. You can go longer without irritation which most women need to achieve orgasm.

Clitoral orgasms are the easiest to achieve and often the only way a woman does reach orgasm, and this is MORE than OKAY. It’s FABULOUS. Masturbation is the best way to discover for yourself what you need to “get there” be it slow, circular motions or a fast, up and down one or a combination or something else altogether. Do you like to be touched in other places first? As in lots of foreplay? Or do you prefer to go right for it? Either or depending on how you feel in any given moment? Taking the time to discover this for yourself is invaluable.

Again what I have found is crucial is to relax and what I have found too is that the more I’ve learned to let go and relax, the slower a pace I prefer, need, as well as a lighter touch. Anything else causes me to tighten up and thus interfere with sensations. I have found too that the with deep relaxation and a soft touch, I am far more open and thus aware of nuances, and this has opened up a whole new world of possibilities. Tiny little vibrations, surges, pulses of which I was unaware previously are in comparison glaringly apparent. I have become increasingly sensitive to all of this and what was once maybe a little blip has now become an obvious orgasm, a tiny one maybe, or not so tiny, but one nonetheless. The more open I’ve become to these tiny sensations, the more they have expanded.

I’m not a fan of toys, or I should specify vibrational toys because again the more intense the stimulation the tighter you hold inside, and many report that over time their tissues become desensitized. You could say this another way. The tighter you are, the more you hold inside, the more stimulation you will require. And it also takes longer, usually, to reach orgasm. Dildos are fine if you like them, but personally, I prefer the feeling of flesh against flesh. A penis is of course the preferred, but fingers are good though they run a distant second. It doesn’t matter how soft and “natural” feeling a toy might be, it still fells cold and impersonal to me. But please feel free if you enjoy them. Just remember, NO VIBRATIONS, at least not on a regular basis.

So RELAX, RELAX, RELAX. Be patient. It is a process. Again and I can’t say this enough times, I have found for me that the more deeply I’ve been able to relax, the easier it has become and the more ways I can do so. I can “come” on initial penetration much of the time, especially if I’ve already had an orgasm and more especially a clitoral one.

Now the difference between a clitoral orgasm and a vaginal one. The clitoris’  head is only the tip of a complex system that branches out into two legs which extend down on either side inside you. The g-spot is part of this system. It is said that the vagina itself has no nerve endings. This may or may not be true, but I know for myself that I feel a lot in there, and maybe what I feel is part of the complex I just described. What I also know is that it has been more so as time has gone by and I continue to release, let go, and thus feel. This area needs to be awakened for most women. We carry all of our traumas, hurts, etc. inside our vaginas, so most of us have numbed or at least diminished sensations in there, and add in any surgical procedures…For many of us that area is near to being deadened.

Exploring inside is a process too. Try gentle massaging inside yourself with one finger at first, then two if you like, or more, little bit by little bit, going deeper all the time. Look for areas of heat, cold, areas that feel numb or that hurt even, and areas that feel good. Be gentle. The g-spot is located about an inch or two in on the front wall closest to your belly. It should feel like a rough patch or a hard pea. On me it’s like a grainy patch of tissue, but it’s not raised, not really. Explore it. Touch all parts. It’s possible you may feel nothing at all in there. It may hurt. You may feel a little something. Whatever you feel just sink into it. The more you work with this area, the more you will feel. (If it’s too hard on your wrist or fingers, use a dildo with no vibrations.)

All women I believe have the capability of having a vaginal orgasm. It takes time and patience and desire. It took me a long time, years. Doing Kegel exercises regularly helps to strengthen the areas which will give you more easily achieved and more intense orgasms, all kinds. Using a jade egg internally also helps here. I just wear mine every now and then anymore and don’t often do any further exercises with it though at first it may behoove you to do them as did I, if only a few. You can find them at www.jadegoddess.com.

I have found for me that the only way I can achieve a purely g-spot orgasm, one as intense as a clitoral one, is to sit low in a comfortable chair with my legs supported by a footstool, my legs being bent. I can get the easiest most comfortable access this way. I have found too that because it usually it takes longer this way, to pass the time and surprising to me to add to the arousal, I sometimes like to look at internet porn while I do this. Studies have shown that women are far more aroused by this and many different types of this than they realize, as much as men even if not more, but since our parts are not as readily visible or accessible and most of us have been conditioned to ignore or even shun our parts, for many of us our innately easily arousable selves have  been suppressed or repressed even more deeply within us.

I do stimulate the clitoris too, quite a bit actually, and I go inside a lot with two fingers, deeply and with good pressure. The g-spot likes a lot of pressure. This will take time as I said to wake all this up. Stay with it; stay RELAXED; exercise patience. Your orgasm WILL happen in this way.

I also feel that a woman’s capacity and potential for orgasm is limitless. As far as I’ve come (no pun intended) I know that there is more. Be aware of the littlest sensations, for these are actually glimmer of orgasms if not orgasm itself. The more aware of these you become, the stronger they will be and become.

Now with a partner. I used to easily achieve orgasm by stimulating the clitoris while he’s inside me, or he stimulated me. But I found the more my insides awakened, the harder this became. I don’t really know why other than my body seems to want one or the other. Both can become confusing. (Though if I’m already very stimulated to begin with, for example I’ll masturbate waiting for my man to come home from work, and I get myself very, very aroused, so by the time he comes home, once he enters me (after having undressed and made himself all big and hard first of course), I’m right there, ready to explode. Yet I like to hold back for a bit and continue clitoral stimulation while his penis is stimulating my insides. I do come very quickly, and this makes for a very, very INTENSE and LONG orgasm.

But in other situations when I’m not initially so aroused, I either masturbate to orgasm first, or just let him in. This is where it gets interesting. At first the latter wouldn’t produce an orgasm at all, or so I thought. Remember what I said before about little sensations? I started paying more attention to them, and I just imagined I was orgasming, even if I really wasn’t. In time I did, not as intensely in the beginning, but soon they increased in intensity, and I imagine they will continue to expand. For me, and this may change, this is a different feeling kind of orgasm. It’s far more profound is the only way I have to describe it. I feel far more deeply inside myself, and I feel more love with this.

I have had cervical orgasms too. My passage is short, so he can reach my cervix easily. For most women hitting the cervix can be very painful. It was for me in the beginning, but the more I released and let go of my “stuff” and the more I learned to relax, it started to become pleasurable. I now love deep thrusts against the cervix, for this is how a cervical orgasm is achieved. It can be intense, but I find it again more profoundly love. Again if I’ve already orgasmed prior to penetration, anything that goes on inside is more so.

Another enjoyable little extra I’ve experienced a handful of times, times when I’m feeling VERY OPEN, DEEPLY RELAXED, INTIMATELY CONNECTED to myself and to him is after I’ve orgasmed who knows how many times (sometimes it’s just one long, continuous one with ebbs), a touch or a kiss on my breast and/or nipple can set off another one. SO VERY entertaining.

What’s also very cool is that as I’ve become more sensitive to feeling things, so has my partner. This is only possible when a couple is deeply intimate. I can feel every little pulsation and ripple in his penis. He too feels every little pulse and contraction from me. And when he comes I come as well, again, and EVERY TIME. I often don’t know if I’m feeling my orgasm or his, for our parts play off each other and dance together in such a fun and wonderful way.

I hope this is helpful. Just remember, time and patience, and keep masturbating.

There are times when light bulbs may go off. You think you have it all figured out or at least a little piece of it. And maybe it will feel that way for a little while, but to really integrate the rays that have been shed is a process, often a long one. It’s as if the light waves you currently emit at the time of a light bulb moment have to sync with the new illumination. This takes time. It’s a process of testing.

The capacitors (your capacity to absorb and accept the new currents) and the resistors (your instinct to resist change) have to talk to each other, compromise maybe, cajole, bribe, and ultimately make friends with each other. Thus they come to a lovely and workable agreement, so they emit together harmoniously, so your new current running at its new frequency flows smoothly, no dithering, no blips, no short circuits, no blowing up.

I made it, all the way across the country. What an exhilarating, challenging, fun, and incredibly beautiful experience. This country doesn’t seem so big anymore. The days were grueling at times, ten hours and more a day of driving, but the growth it allowed me, the expansion of my soul was daunting and fabulous all at once.

I did have the opportunity and the joy in delighting in an amazingly wonderful one day stop about halfway to meet up with a friend I met online, another blogger. We had the best time, talking for hours and hours. The conversation never lagged. We learned so much and not only about each other, life, ourselves in a new light. It was an incredible time. I hope to be able to do it again, and soon.

Now I’m here. It’s more than lovely. I’ve missed the beauty of the east coast, the lush greenness, the wildness, the small town country feel in a city, the old, quaint houses, the smell, spectacular summer thunderstorms and their accompanying rainbows that fill the sky from end to end.

But I miss my old life, my friends, my work, my ballet, my daily life. It hasn’t taken long for the loneliness to set in, the restlessness, the FEAR. And it didn’t take long for me to have a baby meltdown.

Where does my little brain go when it stressed, frightened? To the familiar. It picks off the scab from that deep, ancient wound for which I have no name, and it manifests in the reemergence of fear around porn whether it really exists or not. It’s all MADE UP. No matter what he is or isn’t doing with porn, whatever role porn plays in his life it has no resemblance to what I create. This is my trigger, so this is where I go.

I had nowhere else to turn but to K, and he had told me that if ever I’m feeling badly about it or need reassurance that I could come to him, so I did. It did not go well. I said all the right things. I spoke from my scared little heart. I voiced it all in feeling messages, but it was not well received. Maybe it was just poor timing. Maybe I hadn’t really spoken from a clean place. Maybe I was being needy and clingy. It doesn’t matter. And it also doesn’t matter how the other person responds or if he responds at all when you speak in this way. Well I didn’t take my own advice. I faltered. And this is okay. In retrospect.

The message will get through anyway. Even when a speech goes badly, the message DOES get through. Remember this when your feelings messages SEEM as though they were not heard or were rejected. He will take what you said as long as they were spoken from your heart and not your head, ie. feeling messages, and process it, own it even. You will probably never hear a word about this from him, and PLEASE don’t ask, but he will feel you and your pain. And this will show up in other ways, likely indirectly as men are wont to behave. And this is BEAUTIFUL. Pay attention. His hearing you WILL show up.

Remember too that your trigger is his trigger, especially if you’ve been together a long time and are deeply intimate. You’ve come together to heal each other, so your trigger will trigger his stuff. This is why sometimes your “speeches” don’t seem to go well. It’s just too close to home or the heart.

Needless to say I felt as though I had ruined everything. Everything had been feeling SO nice. He was so excited to be with me again after our month plus separation. He was SO loving and way into me in all ways, even more so than he usually is. So I just had to go and mess it all up, spoil everything.

This was and is silly thinking. You can NEVER mess anything up. Even if you blow your top and use only YOU statements, and he retreats for a week. you still can’t mess things up. You can always say here, “Wow, I really wish I hadn’t said anything at all. I’m feeling so embarrassed right now,” or something like that. And then let it all go, as best as you can of course. You will likely still carry residue of the “talk” not having gone well as well as the original hurt.

Know this, and this is important. Whenever you revisit those old pains, the old triggers, it’s really something else going on. When you are stressed, feeling shaky, when you hurt, when you are faced with SOMETHING NEW and daunting, you WILL as did I revisit the place that triggers you the most, again whether it’s real or not.

In this case I was feeling vulnerable, feeling as though I had been yanked from everything I know, familiar surroundings, the daily life I had created. I was already feeling lonely and a little bored, and most importantly scared of this big unknown.

Yes I have somewhat of a plan, but the fear is there nonetheless. When I think of looking for a job, I’m filled with all kinds of ick. I haven’t had to do that for a long time and have no clue how or even what I would like to do. And the east coast is not at all like the west. It has a very country feel with little stores clustered in corners here and there. There are no coffee shops to sit in as in LA and pick up a conversation with a stranger, network maybe, not really. And driving around here is frightening, narrow, winding roads that twist around themselves, street signs so hard to see and read; it’s so easy to get lost.

So therein sat my real issue. It wasn’t the porn though it may have looked and felt like that. Porn in my case is not a threat. It’s my friend, but when fear sets in, suddenly it becomes my enemy. I was not “perfect” in how I handled the manifestation of my fear. I “should” have known it was not really porn that was upsetting me but something else altogether, yet I too fall down from time to time in this, on my journey as an angel goddess, as do all of us, as will you. As perfect as we are in our imperfections, we still feel badly about our mistakes, or I should say our perceived mistakes. Nothing is really an error. It’s all a learning experience. It’s all messages. It’s all OKAY. Recognize it for what is, HUMANNESS, and move on.

Remember this as well. Men tend not to hold onto things as we women do. It didn’t even take overnight for K to behave as though nothing had ever happened.

I’m off tomorrow on a new adventure, a fresh beginning, the start of a new chapter, the closing quietly of one door, the opening of another, hugely exciting and deeply triggering, scary.

I’m packing some of our things as well the geriatric kitties (doggie stays with a friend who will be housesitting for us) into the car, the one that still survives, and heading cross country to join my K who has been there for three weeks already. I’ve missed him terribly, especially my parts, you know, MY PARTS. Sure we’ve talked every night, and yes we’ve had lots of phone sex, and once we figured out how to work the webcam live, it was like hanging out together like always, but not.

Sex via webcam is NO fun. It’s far too confusing. I can see him, and my body expects to be touched, fondled, kissed and hugged on, but it doesn’t happen. Both of us had trouble with this one. K was saying that HE sees HER, wants to go there and play, but it can’t be. So He and SHE both droop. At least on the phone there isn’t that confusion, but both of us are ready for the real thing, way more than ready.

At the heart of this big change though as much as I love a huge shake up every now and then is fear. This is a big unknown entity. My K is there. I’m from there originally, but it’s been a loooong time. I have people to connect with, some friends of friends, some of my own, some family, yet everything will be different, different climate, new surroundings, new people. There will be adventures and explorations yes, enormously exciting and happy making, yet it feels like I’m about to jump into a chasm, an abyss of unknowns. That’s frightening.

I have no idea what I’m going to do there. I have ideas yet nothing absolute. Yes things tend to sort themselves out, but there is always a little piece inside that wants to know, as much if not more so than the bigger part which loves possibilities. Anything could unfold. It could be great. It might be awful. But there is no awful. It’s all a learning experience. All that comes my way is a message. And I will be back. One east coast winter with snow will be a novelty, two a drag.

Nothing ventured. nothing gained, as the saying goes, yet fear is a powerful presence. I will not let fear interfere, not too much anyway. I will stand tall, as tall as a short person can, hold my head high, open my arms wide (they are very long), and welcome whatever comes my way.

Be well everyone. I will be incommunicado for the next ten days or so. xxoo