Sex and HeartHow I transformed devastation into love and loving lust

One thing most women are very good at is worrying, fretting, turning things over and over in our heads ad nauseum, creating something that barely resembles the original concern. This is a tremendous drain on your energy on your time on your psyche. And unfortunately you get back what you put out, not a very nice thought and not an outcome you would want. Try this. Why not put all the force and talent into imagining things as you want them. If you can imagine it you can create it.

Worrying is using your imagination to create something you DON’T want.

Dreaming is using your imagination to create something you DO want.

Trust is enigmatic. Most of us have a difficult time with it. Most of us have been hurt and/or betrayed by the someone who “should” never have done so. It’s usually our parents or our primary caregivers (actually I could argue that this is where it begins for everyone). This is where the trust that is innate in us at birth starts to slowly or quickly in some cases erode. Most parents don’t intend to hurt or betray us. They were doing the best they could given the inadequate tools they were given. They too were hurt and/or betrayed.  But as a young one, we don’t know that. We only feel the pain of being let down, betrayed. So the layers start to grow around our hearts as protection. The more the hurt and betrayals, the more the layers and the more we close off,

So as an adult, when you seek primary partnerships, if you are not aware you have these defenses, if you have not done the deep and painful work to eradicate them or at least diminish them, even if given no reason not to trust someone new in your life, especially a significant other, for you usually have much more of your heart invested in such a relationship, you will be on guard waiting for the onslaught that’s bound to happen, for it’s happened before, or it happens all the time, or so your subconscious tells you. You can tell yourself all you want that you are safe, but if you haven’t worked on shedding the layers, if you haven’t shown yourself through diligent practice that your walls are not necessary, that you have grown enough to know, sense when things are amiss, your old instincts will immediately kick in, gratefully if you this is all you know, or sadly if you know better. Old habits, especially when in connection with your survival are difficult to break.

And to make things feel just that little bit worse, your mistrustful facade emits energy that your partner can feel even if he/she in unaware that it’s being felt. The wall or walls that you have created as your protection will eventually push him/her away or worse, you will be realize your worst fear, the reason for the walls in the first place, betrayal. It’s not so much that you caused him/her to betray you as you put out an energy that you simplygot back, for the universe tends to work in this way.

It’s not easy giving another being your trust. And yes they do have to earn it. But if he/she repeatedly and unwaveringly behaves honorably, then you must keep working to chip away at those walls. If anyone had walls erected, I did, big, thick, dense, dark walls. I don’t know walls anymore, curtains maybe, sometimes denser, velvety ones, but most of the time they are of light, translucent silk. I would be dishonest if I said my curtains are never drawn. They are there much of the time, but I am always able to peek through and much to my delight, they do part completely every now and then, usually after allowing myself to be at my most vulnerable possible, while making love as a perfect example.

If you allow it, this can be the most naked position to be in for anyone, and I don’t mean unclothed. It can be a complete opening of yourself, mind, heart, soul, and of course body to the most intimate penetration, all the while sinking so deeply, relaxing into yourself so profoundly that your deepest feelings are touched and intense orgasm follows. It’s the most unguarded you can possibly be IF you TRUST yourself. The sense of connection to myself and to my lover that I feel is most keen in these moments. They may be fleeting; they may last longer, but the memory remains, leaving a little or big impression on my heart which I can summon at will, most of the time.

Most of us are wary and rightfully so, especially in the beginning of  a relationship, but as time passes, a week, a month, a year, two years, and still there is nothing to indicate betrayal, then you must let your trust in. For some it may evolve naturally, but for me and I’m sure many others too, it takes concerted effort, an almost constant talking to myself in reassurance, in telling myself this person, this man is all he says he is because he shows me all the time. He shows up for me. He shows up for us. He shows me love; he is love; he is my love and my lover. And I am the same in kind, to myself and to him.

This won’t happen overnight, especially for those who have experienced deep emotional trauma, but with patience, bit by bit, the walls will crumble into dust, and the curtains that remain will draw back more readily the safer you feel, the more trust you invite in, for him and for you.

Trust may very well never feel  completely secure within, but it can be secure enough that when you do waver, you can talk to yourself, walk yourself through whatever it is that has been triggered in you. The first thing to do is recognize that you are being triggered. Whatever it is that happened and felt like a past betrayal, tell yourself that it’s not.  That was then, and this is now. It may feel the same  but it isn’t. Tell yourself that this is your old stuff, that it has nothing to do with what’s at hand. It’s fear. It’s just fear, and it’s unfounded. Breathe. Meditate. Do whatever it takes to calm yourself. This should be enough to get you back on track.

The more you are able to trust yourself, the more you will be able to sink into trust and thus trust others. It’s a tough one, the more so for those that have the more insecurities. Maybe I’m lucky in that my man gives me lots and lots of reassurance. It wasn’t always this way though. It evolved along with our relationship. The more work I did on ME, the more authentic I became, true to ME, the more my man felt safe, to be open, to share, to love, to reassure, and to TRUST, ME and HIM.

I still  waver inside myself sometimes for whatever reason, so I have to tell myself each time that this is MY stuff bubbling up. I have to TRUST that no matter what he’s doing or not doing, he’s not doing “bad” things. He’s not betraying me. He’s not betraying my TRUST.

Other women will turn your man on. That’s just how it is, and that just happens to be a GOOD thing.

Turn it around the other way. Can you honestly say that other men don’t turn you on? Don’t say no too quickly. Unless you are blind and deaf, you derive pleasure from other men. Don’t you? A man who you find attractive passes you on the street. Don’t you feel even the tiniest little thrill of something? Appreciation if nothing else? Don’t you feel really, really good, aroused even if a guy compliments you out of the blue whether he be a friend or a stranger? Aren’t you just a little tiny bit attracted because of his attention? Doesn’t it get your blood moving a little bit faster if a cute guy smiles at you or brushes up against you accidentally or otherwise?

Now consider this. Would you ever go anywhere with this? Would you ever consider betraying your man or his trust in you to be with them? Of course not. It’s no different for men. If he’s a good man, devoted and in love with his woman, he wouldn’t cheat on you any more than you would cheat on him. He wouldn’t want to risk losing the great thing he has with you for one, and for another, it really wouldn’t dawn on him, for he couldn’t really imagine being with, making love to anyone but you.

So where does this being GOOD for us come in. Look at it this way men like to look. Women like to be looked at. Every time a man sees another woman who he finds attractive in some way, be it her entire being or just her smile or something else, he may get a little erotic buzz, or he may just get a hint of something that builds slowly or quickly sometimes within him. Think of it as a vial of hormonal juices. Each time he feels that little turn on, the vial fills up bit by bit by bit. The more the vial fills the more he will be thinking of and wanting sex. But he doesn’t want sex with any of those women he saw. He wants sex with you. The arousal other women inspire in him makes him desire his beloved all the more, and that means YOU.

It’s kind of the same with you though it can go two ways with us. Some women do like to look at other men in the same way that men like to look at other women, and these women can have the same sort of build up as men, but more commonly women get their build up through appreciative glances, warm smiles, and/or verbal cues from other men. And this attention makes a woman glow. She may or may not desire her man more, but she will feel good inside, sexy, desirable. When a woman feels this way, she feels good about herself in all ways, and this heightens any sexual encounter with HER man.

This is not to say that you don’t turn him on, you all by yourself. Of course you do, but other women stir things up, make the stew just that little bit spicier. It’s the same in reverse. Your man is all you need, but doesn’t the attention you gain elsewhere add just a little bit more juice to your pot?

So celebrate all those other women; embrace them,  for they are not only your goddess sisters, they are here to give your relationship that little bit something more.

I had a serious car accident a week ago today, so serious in fact that if it hadn’t been for my small size and my extreme flexibility thanks to my lifelong ballet habit, I may very well not have been writing this today or at the very least I would be in really bad shape. Yes I was hurt, concussed, my head has been throbbing since, my neck tight and sore, and my left hand was badly bruised and swollen, two nails partially torn away from the nail bed. Aside from that only random bruises. Seven days later I feel much better though my head still hurts some as does my hand, but I will be back in ballet class tonight.

I remember losing control completely, spinning out, slamming into the center divider, and nothing more until an EMT was talking to me. I was hanging upside down in a severe tuck against I suppose the windshield. I don’t remember flipping. I don’t remember sirens. I don’t remember my door being jimmied open. I do remember being cut out of the seatbelt, but I don’t remember being taken out of the car. I remember being in the ambulance but not the ride to the hospital.

I was told I blew a tire, only a little over a year old ones with maybe 15,000 miles on them. I had already replaced the two front ones again only a few months ago, so apparently I was sold a bad set of tires, so maybe that was ill fortune, but no one else was involved, and I was relatively okay. In truth I’m very, very lucky.

You would think this would be a life altering event, but this has happened to me before, twice, well three times really. I already had my life altering accident.

It happened fourteen years ago when a young girl who had run away from home blew a stop sign while being chased in another vehicle by her father. I have no memory of this accident. I was so badly injured I spent a week in the hospital and had to have numerous surgeries to repair a shattered face and head. My pelvis was also broken as were several ribs. My right rotator cuff was partially separated.

This accident was a huge wake up call for me. Not only was I in a marriage I did not want to be in, not ever really, I also didn’t want to continue being immersed in an eating disorder that had started shortly after my very first serious accident which was on a bicycle when I was fourteen. (Is there something about the number fourteen?) Not only did I not want to resign myself to a miserable existence with someone I detested, I also did not want to look back at my life as an elderly woman having not much else to say except I was thin and unhappy.

It took a few more years to get my anorexia under control and a few more after that to extricate myself from the awful relationship, but from the moment I had cognitive awareness in the hospital, I knew my life was going to change and in a big way. That moment really marks the point when I started my journey, my deep inner soul searching adventure which has only become more intense as time has passed, especially more recently.

I put myself through an eating disorder program. I went back to college and got myself a degree in English Literature with honors, and most importantly I got out of the destructive relationship, the one that wouldn’t allow me to grow and blossom or be ME in any way. It took even a few years more to discover who ME is and shed my eating disorder forever. I have my K to thank for that, for his presence and his love sustained me and gave me the motivation to keep going.

Not two weeks after having left my ex, I was fixed up on a blind date with my K who come to find out I had known ten years prior. There was a definite attraction back then, but neither one of us are the type who would cross that boundary (we were both in relationships, me in my awful marriage and he in a lukewarm dating situation). Besides back then we were not ready for each other. It would never have worked, but as soon as I was freed from my situation, it was as if the universe sat up and said, “Now is the time!” Our energies called out to each other, and we were brought back together. We’ve been together ever since, happy and very much in love.

You might think that I’m a terrible driver, careless or reckless, but that’s so not the case. I am actually a very good driver, considerate yet assured. Each time it has been something out of my realm of control, tree parts, dysfunctional parent/child dynamics, unseen water causing hydroplaning, and poor quality tires.

I feel strongly that we attract all things to us in our lives, the “bad” and the “good”. These are labels, sometimes difficult to define, for a seemingly “bad” incident could also bring great gifts and vice versa. My most severe accident woke me up. My last accident which occurred three years ago not only totaled the vehicle that my ex had bought for me thus ridding me of the negative energy it exuded, it also reinforced something that I had only admitted to myself a few months earlier when I discovered my man’s porn, another huge life changing event. The truth was I still had some very deep, core issues to to dig into and heal, something I knew if I was being really honest with myself. It’s been a process of a few years, yet this event opened my heart to ME and to him and the world; it  forced me to release much old stuff, and in the process I found ME, goddess ME.

So what was last week’s accident about? It wasn’t a life and death thing, a pondering of my mortality. As much as humanly possible, I dealt with that already with the first car accident. I didn’t see a white light though. I didn’t see angels or spirit guides. There was nothingness. Every time I have lost consciousness it has only been that blankness. So I don’t if there is more than here. Sure the thought of there being something beyond this is lovely, but my “life changing events” haven’t shown that to me. So I suppose the fear of death might linger as it does for most people. This is something to consider.

I was walloped really good upside the right side of my head, the masculine side, the side that loves to be in control, loves to be in analytical head mode, but this pattern dates back to early teens with the bicycle accident when I apparently ran over a branch which became lodged in the spokes, stopped the bike short and sent me flying over the handlebars landing on my head. I have no memory of this accident either. I suffered a severe concussion and a broken collarbone and was in ICU for four days. But I thought I had dealt with being so much in boy mode for the greater part of my life. I thought I had very nicely come into my soft, feminine goddessness, especially since porn walloped me upside the head in a metaphorical sense.

I’m about to embark on a brand new phase in my life journey. I’m about to move to Connecticut from California for a year or more, something which came about very quickly and suddenly, something a bit daunting and scary but also very exciting. I love to have my whole world shaken up big time every now and then. It keeps things interesting. It stimulates me. I thrive on it. I’m going to be very close to NYC, so we can go take ballet classes in the city, immerse ourselves in music, theater, opera, exploration. We will see and feel new things, revisit old ones, for I knew NYC as a child, never as an adult.

So why this accident? Is this another wake up call? Am I still not dealing with something? What is it I’m still holding onto? There must be something. But I have no answers. Maybe it’s a reminder of the fragility of life. Maybe it’s a reminder of what I have, and I have so much now. Maybe it’s a reminder that what still plagues me so just doesn’t matter. Maybe there doesn’t always have to be an explanation. Maybe it just is what it is.

Because your man enjoys porn, do you feel that his looking is a reflection on you? Do you think that you must not turn him on anymore? Do you feel that he must be tired of looking at the same old you everyday and each time you have sex with him? Do you think that he needs to look at others for a rush of arousal before he can be with you, for you must not give him that rush anymore? Do you feel that somehow, in some way you must not be good enough? Do you think that you must not measure up?

Well as difficult as this might be to wrap your brain around I’m here to tell you that all of these thoughts and feelings are lies.You most certainly do turn him on and far more deeply and on all levels than any two-dimensional representation ever could. They may make his peepee twitch, but you make his whole body dance, peepee, brain, heart, and soul included.

It’s hard for us as women to really grasp this concept, but men love to look at women, especially unclothed. It excites them, keeps their juices flowing, for YOU. Many men like the extra stimulation maybe even need it too sometimes, especially as they age and especially if your libido is higher than his.

We, as women often need and like extra stimulation, but usually we find it in other ways, via men we see when were out and about (very much like what men do) or erotic stories or just through our very active imaginations. As a warm up for sex, most women prefer a long foreplay. We love to close our eyes and absorb it all, all the sensations, physically, emotionally. We usually prefer lots of genital stimulation to remain aroused and to reach climax. Men too need the genital stimulation, but they rely on the visual, far more than we. They love to look at you, your parts, your face expressing pleasure, ecstasy, your joy.

So please, whenever those thoughts come to visit, all those I’m just not enough physically and sexually, remind yourself how goddess like you are no matter what your age and/or body type. Your goddess energy is a given as a woman. All you need do is call on her, and she will come. She will imbue you with all the sensuousness and sexuality you can imagine and maybe even then some. Remember that the pictures or movies and all those other beautiful women out there only make him want you more, appreciate you more, want to love you and make love to you more. It’s a small shift in your consciousness but a huge one in the energy you will vibrate.