Sex and HeartHow I transformed devastation into love and loving lust

Does it seem as though you’re just not that much in the mood much of the time? From everything you read and hear about, does it feel like you’re all alone in this? And that something must be missing in you, or maybe something is amiss with you?

Or maybe it’s the opposite, and there are many women you know or have read about who lament over the same thing, low libido, little or no desire.

Maybe you’ve always felt this way. Or maybe you used to want it all the time in the early stages of your relationships only to have this peter out. Maybe life has just taken over, and making love is the last thing on your mind. Or maybe your hormones have changed, and you just don’t want to anymore.

And your man complains. Or he doesn’t say anything, but you can feel his longing. Maybe you caught him taking care of himself in the shower or elsewhere, and this made you feel badly or sad.

Or maybe you feel like you’re missing out. Or you are just missing it. You miss the closeness and connection it brings, the passion, feeling good in that way. Your heart beating fast in anticipation. Or your heart purring contentedly after a mind blowing orgasm or even a soft, gentle one.

Is there something wrong with you? Can this even be “fixed”? Maybe you’ve resigned yourself.

If there have been sudden changes or even gradual ones, I would first suggest ruling out anything medical. Then I would recommend having blood work done or a saliva test to see if your hormones are out of balance, a common thing. Your hormones can be re-adjusted with a choice of one of the varied alternative treatments available, such as bio-identical hormones made up just for you at a compounding pharmacy.

Or you can experiment on your own with the many wonderful herbs and/or supplements available, such as black cohosh, red clover, wild yam, chasteberry/vitex, false unicorn, ginseng, evening primrose oil. I would suggest trying one at a time, and see how you feel.

DHEA, a precursor to hormone production, has been documented as being effective for treating low libido in peri and post menopausal women. DO NOT take it for more than three months at a time though. And allow a good break in between.

Regardless I find herbal supplementation useful no matter your age or sexual status. Our hormones are always fluctuating, and the balance is delicate. Finding an herb or two which works well with your body to keep you feeling more aligned and feeling good is a good thing. There are few if any people who lead completely peaceful, idyllic lives, so in my view, nourishing this vital part of you is important.

Aside from this there could be any number of other things going on here; stress is a big mood killer, tension within yourself or your relationship, things on your mind interfering, or a combination of things.

Any one of these factors will affect how you feel about having sex. Maybe you don’t even think about it at all or if you do, you feel too tired or anxious to do anything about it. Or you dismiss the notion because you’re just not in the mood for whatever reason. Or you just can’t figure out why you feel lackluster, but you just don’t feel like it.

This may or may not bother you, yet I would venture to say that it does whether you are aware of this or not and whether you have been wildly sexual at one time or have never been.

One thing to consider is that a woman’s conscious arousal is often NOT instinctual/biological, a have to have it now kind of thing, and it’s certainly not as obvious as male libido/arousal usually is. And very often even if we are physically in the mood, we may NOT be aware of it.

Studies have been done on male and female arousal, and the findings were surprising even to me. With the men it all played out as would be expected. When straight men see images of naked women alone, having sex with themselves, with other women, or with men, arousal is obvious. Brain scans corroborate the evidence. And the men were all well aware of their arousal.

Most women though were not only aroused by ALL of the above images, they were also aroused by seeing men with men as well as with animals getting it on, as evidenced by brain wave scans and vaginal lubrication monitors. BUT in a great many cases, the women were completely unaware of their arousal and in fact denied being aroused at all.

So a woman’s libido is far more complicated than a man’s. AND a woman’s sexual response is far more affected by what’s going on in her brain than anything else. This is one of if not THE most important point to keep in mind. SEX FOR A WOMAN IS LARGELY WITHIN HER BRAIN.

But the good news is a woman can teach herself to not only become more aware of her far more frequent than she might think arousals, her libido CAN be trained to run higher. This CAN be something you can reprogram. And it’s mostly by simply paying attention.

When K and I first got together, I was not per se sexually repressed, BUT I was somewhat shy, felt a little insecure about my abilities and capabilities, and I was just not all that free, liberated; I was not all that open, not as much as I knew I could be and wanted to be.

I liked sex though and wanted it because it made me feel wanted and desired and desirable as well as connected to my man.

I’ve never had nor do I now have any sort of strong sex drive really. I did engage in sex purposefully though. Now I make sex a priority.

But as good as my sex life was, increasingly I felt that there must be more. More of what I wasn’t sure. I just felt there was more to be experienced and felt and on different levels, maybe depths and certainly more to release and let go of.

From somewhere and somehow, I got the idea to explore my body and come to know it more intimately, see what I might be able to feel beyond what I had felt already, see if I could become even more comfortable within myself and just see what my body could do.

I read anything and everything I could get my hands on, tantra being the biggest draw. This was a big piece in raising not only my awareness about sex and about my own sexual responses, it also got me to thinking about and wanting sex far more. Instant libido lift.

So maybe you are not feeling sexual. Try having it anyway. You may very well be surprised how you can become aroused and get into it very quickly just by doing, by allowing, by keeping your mind, body, and heart as open as possible in that given moment

Read about sex, Watch sexy movies together. Talk about sex, with your partner and/or with your friends.

When you try out new to you things, yes you may feel weird or shy or insecure at first, guilty even but the more you gain confidence as your experiences expand to places you may not have even dreamed about AND you receive a positive response from your partner, the more everything will expand and in all ways, in your body, your heart, and your essence, AND your ability to feel more, bigger and more nuanced sensations, different feeling orgasms, bigger and more intense ones, and just more.

It has been great fun uncovering what my body is able to do, and the exploration continue. How about you?

xxoo

Have you always been easily orgasmic or at least mostly so, and suddenly seemingly out of nowhere it just doesn’t happen, no matter what you do? And this of course creates anxiety which feeds into more anxiety compounding the “problem”.

And you try to let it go, but the next time you make love or try to have sex with yourself, this hovers in the back of your mind, and you worry and wonder, “Will I come this time?” And of course you don’t because you’re in too much of a state, so there’s no way IT is coming.

And maybe now you are developing some serious performance anxiety.

Remember the episode from Sex and the City when Samantha lost her mojo, so she spent the ENTIRE day at home with her vibrator trying to coax an orgasm out to no avail?

This has happened to me before, not for a long time now the more I’ve learned to relax, let go, and just be, sink into whatever happens and as my definition and experience of orgasm has expanded. The more I have allowed my armoring to melt away, this ease I’ve created within me has become increasingly fluid, and through this, the more I am able to feel and experience in my body and in my heart, and this includes consistent and frequent orgasms of all kinds and intensities.

But I have been in that place of angst, not knowing if this is temporary or if I don’t “work” anymore. I have been filled with distress and have asked myself, “Am I broken?”

Know this first, your hormones shift and change. Of course you all know this, but what you may not know is that they can greatly affect your sexual response. Hormones can dull sensation to the point where not only do you feel little, a touch from your man or yourself can almost feel repellent. And they can also enhance feelings to the point where you are singing hallelujah, lost in incomparable bliss. These changes can occur within your monthly cycle as well as throughout your life cycle.

You can also have normal and natural fluctuations completely aside from your hormonal changes, call them bio-rhythms or circadian cycle or something else. These rhythms which are unique to the individual can dampen feelings and/or desire or elevate them.

You can also have day to day stresses and events be they good feeling, bad feeling, or indifferent feeling, all of which can distract you. You can just be plain too tired for whatever reason. And any one or all of these can affect your sexual response.

Remember that for women the brain is the biggest erogenous zone. A tiny niggling thought can put out your fire faster than a bucket of ice cold water. Rushes of good feelings about your partner, yourself, and your situation with all else put aside can create a raging inferno.

Women are generally far more sensitive to any and all of these things and how this plays out in the bedroom.

All of this is not quite so true for men. They aren’t usually quite so easily affected by little things though of course it can occur.

And even if seemingly none of these factor in, sometimes it just is. So if she is sleeping or maybe even seeming to be in a coma, she’s likely just taking a little nap, and there doesn’t have to be a reason why. She can have a mind of her own just as much if not more than a man’s member can.

And there doesn’t have to necessarily be a rhyme or apparent reason to any of it. It can just be.

And if you can simply be with this beingness, all will be well and very soon. For the more you worry about it, the more elusive orgasm will be.

As long as you are healthy, physically and emotionally, as long as your hormones aren’t seriously out of whack, the next time you think you may be “broken” take comfort in the thought that this too shall pass. The more you can believe this, the sooner you will see/feel how very much unbroken you really are.

Try to relax and feel as fully as you can every little thing you do feel even if it’s just a tiny, tiny shiver. Imagine these little feelings expanding. Imagine them as little orgasms. You may or may not come, and that’s okay. The point is to revel in whatever pleasures come your way. If you place no expectations on your experience, this opens the door for the unexpected to happen. This creates room for all kinds of possibilities. This allows you to be surprised in each and every moment. This has you living your life in a constant state of awe. It really doesn’t get much better than this.

So the next time your parts are being a little quiet, remember my words, “You are NOT broken.”

xxoo tinque

Hi Tinque,

OK…here’s my situation.  My boyfriend and I have LOTS of sex. We have it I’d say at least 4 times a week and usually more than that.  We both have children, but our children do not live with us (they live out of state…my children with their father and his with their mother).  We’ve both stated that if we could have our children with us, we would, and we’re both fine with that and would want that for the other.

Well…my children came down this summer (they spend part of the summer with me and part of it with their dad) and all of a sudden, the sex stopped. I don’t “officially” live with my man, but I do spend most of my nights there, and that didn’t change when my children were here…But…he wasn’t initiating sex with me while they were here. I tried and was rejected twice in a row (as in two nights in a row) and the second time, I cried.  We talked about it, and he said hadn’t meant to hurt me.

I told him I was trying very hard to create a balance here because we are used to having each other to ourselves, and I wanted him to know that the sexy, sensual, sexual  woman he loves so much is still here…even when the children are too. He asked me not to “try” anything and just let things be what they are. He assured me he still sees all of that in me and was just having a little trouble with the children being in the house (he didn’t have the problem last summer or on any other vacation, and he doesn’t know why it happened this summer but in any case, he asked me not to worry).

So…within a couple of days, he initiated, and we had sex a couple of times (not near as much as normal but it was there, and I felt better). Then my kids went back to their dad’s house.

He and I went on a mini vacation, and we had sex…no problem. When we got back, his children came down. He has not reached out to me sexually since (not even a hint or a tease or anything at all). I’m not doing anything (except a few sexy little words whispered in his ear on occasion) because he asked me not to and because his prior rejection hurt so much.

I guess I just don’t understand (he’s never rejected me before, so that’s new for me…and it hurts) and I don’t know what to do or say. Do you think I’m faced with an entire summer with no sex (and then I worry because the kids will be here on several vacations too)?

I’m feeling kind of insecure about him not being able to see me the same when children are involved, and I’m afraid that will carry over to our lives after they leave (not to mention…what would happen if one of us DID get our kids to live with us??).

I also struggle (because he’s cheated on me in the past…WAY past) with insecurities about him finding someone else to fulfill that need if he can’t see me as a sexy woman anymore. I’m afraid of losing him, and I’m afraid of bringing it up again. I know after we talked about it last time, we ended up having sex, but I’m wondering if that wasn’t just to pacify me (since I cried about the rejection).

I’ve never really been an insecure woman, and I hate how it feels…and I don’t know why I’m so concerned now but I am. Do you have any insight into what this might mean psychologically? I guess I find it hard to imagine a man who likes to have so much sex just all of a sudden giving it up and then picking back up where we started as soon as the kids leave.

My sexual confidence has plummeted, and I’m confused about that because it’s never been an issue with me before…I’ve always had PLENTY of confidence in that area. So…I feel so hurt and scared and undesirable right now…and that’s NOT the me I know and love.

I am open to talking to him about it again, but I don’t really know how to approach the subject in a way that feels inviting to him because…well…we already talked about it and he knows how I feel, so how do I go about it without sounding incredibly pathetic and making things even worse?

Any thoughts or suggestions?  Again…thank you so much for taking the time to listen and talk through this with me…

Much Love, Me

Okay,

Here we go. Here’s my answer.

Dear Me,

You didn’t mention the ages of the children, and this could very well be a big reason for the changes from previous years. They may be at an age when they know and understand what sex is, and this night be making your man feel uncomfortable, for whatever reason. He’s always been Dad or Mom’s new “husband” (I use that term very loosely since you do not wish this again, but kids don’t get the difference, not really). Now he’s more than that; he’s a sexual being to them too, and this might make your man feel weird.

Maybe he’s concerned they will hear you or walk in on you. It seems as though he’s having a little conflict within himself, one he may very well not be aware of or have at least not put thought concepts to let alone feelings. Men are not great talking about or dealing with feelings as I’m sure you know, so even with himself, he’s probably pushing the feelings as well any thoughts aside.

I know rejection hurts. The first time I was rejected, I thought I would die. I was soooo hurt, felt soooo rejected. I felt sooooo embarrassed. I get rejected a lot, well not a lot, sometimes, but usually it’s picked up later that evening or in the morning. Usually it’s because he’s had a rough day at work and wants to unwind first, or he’s just too tired or just has too much on his mind. When our men reject us for sex, it’s ever so rarely if ever about US. I will say this again because it’s vital.

When our men reject us for sex, IT”S RARELY IF EVER ABOUT US. I too have to remind myself of this as sensitive as I am. It’s the same with weird moods or withdrawal.

We too have lots of sex, four times a week on average, so I don’t feel deprived anymore or stupid or rejected or less than or not as young or as pretty or as anything as anyone else, at least not in this sort of situation. I don’t feel hurt anymore because I KNOW now that he still wants me, desires me, finds me very sexy, but he’s just not wanting sex in that moment.

This took time, and he was an integral part of it. He quickly saw how hurt I was when this came up, so whenever a situation such as yours arose, he would lovingly reassure me that all was okay. And sure enough a bit later or at the most the next day, it would happen.

I find it very interesting that you say you have tremendous self confidence, and I believe you, yet you falter in this area. Maybe it’s only because it’s not happened before, but think about this. This has really thrown you. How much of you, your identity, your sense of self-worth, your femininity is wrapped up into your sexuality? What does rejection sexually really mean to you?

This is NOT a negative thing. I have a lot of all of these aspects and maybe more intertwined with my sexuality which tends to make me more sensitive to these things, a turn down for example. Is this you too?

I can feel enormously insecure in many ways but not in this situation. Not anymore and mainly because of my man’s sensitivity to me. But I get and still feel why this might affect you so profoundly.

I feel the most deeply connected and loving when bonded in this way. It’s not that I feel validation through this act, yet I feel more whole, more real, more alive, more with him in a way for which I have no words other than profound, yet that’s not quite right. It seems it’s the same for you. I think it’s maybe a more common among women from deep neglect and/or abuse. This is something to consider, how your past abuse could be reflected in this and your reaction around it.

Knowing all of  this can allow you to be more sensitive to yourself and to him. You may have to talk yourself down anytime this occurs again, but that’s not such a bad thing. It’s all about awareness. You know he still wants you. You now know his “rejection” is not about YOU.

What happens in these circumstances, something I’m very familiar with, most women do this A LOT, is allowing your head to board a runaway train.

YOU – “He’s rejected me. He doesn’t want me. He’s finding me unattractive. He’s tiring of me. He wants someone else. Someone new. Or. Sex is not so important to him. We’ll never have sex again.”

My little story might go like this.

ME – He’s away, alone, not much to do at night. He’s looking at porn. He’s looking at a lot of porn, maybe all night long. He’s looking every day. He will get so used to those pretty, young things as a visual. When he sees me he will be disappointed. He will want to look at just as much porn when I’m there.”

BLAH BLAH BLAH. It’s ALL LIES. Remember the lying little gremlin voices? They’re screaming at you right now. SHHHHHHHHH. Shut them up. Scream back at them.

He didn’t “end” up having sex with you to pacify you. Men don’t operate that way. He had sex with you because he wanted to, because he finds you enormously attractive, sexy, sensual. And because he loves you.

My advice to you is to leave him be for now or lean back as Rori would say. Let him find his footing in this what apparently is for him a NEW situation, a new and different rhythm, FOR NOW. I doubt his disinterest will continue but if it does, then go ahead and speak up.

Tell him it seems as though something is bothering him. Is there anything he would like to say to you? Tell him that it seems as though the children are interfering with his lust for you, and you feel confused by it. It felt awful when he rejected you, You don’t like feeling that way. It hurt. You feel weird, scared, whatever about initiating again, yet you want him in that way. You miss him. Then see what he says.

Compose a little speech if you have to, and memorize it. I need this because I feel so afraid bringing up uncomfortable to me topics though it is far less scary than it once was, but still I tend to get flustered. You may not.

The only concern I do have is the cheating in the past. In my mind once a cheater always a cheater or at least the potential for it. But and this is important, he KNOWS that you have a great deal of strength and self-respect and though you adore him, if he crosses that line, you WILL walk. He really, really knows that.

It seems to me from everything you’ve written about him that he’s crazy about you too and would not want to risk losing you for a brief thrill filled with nothingness.

So let the YOU you know and love back on to take center stage.

I hope this helps. Let me know what happens and if there is anything else I can help with.

Much love and big hugs,

tinque

xxoo

I was having a discussion with a reader about orgasms the other day, and in the course of our conversation we came to the conclusion that when we have an especially intense blow your head off one, our partner doesn’t so much and vice versa. Not that the other person doesn’t have a nice orgasm or even a great one, it’s just not one of those out of body, WHOA, ones.

So she asked me this question.

“Do you think we don’t have the most amazing orgasms when our partner does (and vice versa) because we’re giving that to them? I don’t know how to explain it, but maybe something so powerful can only be felt when we’re allowing it to happen for them. Not exactly not focusing on ourselves (I must say, mine was pretty powerful last night as well), but that we’re making room for them to have the most amazing experience. I don’t know. I don’t even know what I’m trying to say. lol”

This was my response:

I understand completely what you are saying. I don’t know that it’s so much that we’re giving this to them or even leaving room for them to have this experience; it’s not that conscious an action or intention. It’s more that it’s a happy accident for whomever is having this amazing orgasm; it’s energy falling beautifully into place, and to have this perfect alignment for each partner at the same time would be rare if not impossible.

And maybe this is on purpose. Maybe this is a lovely design feature lovingly built in. For when this happens and we are present enough to feel their experience with them, the incredible joy, the intense love, the amazing sensations, well that’s just amazing all by itself. And we couldn’t enjoy this aspect if we too were immersed in a mind blowing orgasm in the same moment. And vice versa.

Maybe there’s even an element of feeling a kind of feel good power in having created this for them and been there to share it. And vice versa.

They could have this experience without our “presence”, as could we, yet to be there with them as they go through this divine thing is so profound, feeling this intensity and yummy goodness resonating and reverberating throughout their beings and through their hearts. There are no words really to express this incredible gift.

As said, it’s not that our orgasms are not wonderful too; they are, but it’s just not as a so lost in the sensation nothing else exists really, not even them feeling. I would imagine you would feel as I. I want to be there with them, mind, body, and spirit in this. And vice versa.

I know sexual rejection hurts. The first time I was turned down for sex, I thought I would die. I was SO hurt. I felt SO embarrassed. I felt SO rejected.

These days I get rejected a lot, well not a lot, sometimes.  But it no longer throws me, for now I know it’s not a rejection of ME. It’s not ever about me at all. I also know it will be picked up later that evening or in the morning. What it’s usually about is that he’s had a rough day at work and wants to unwind first, or he’s just too tired or just has too much on his mind whether it be the state of the world or something else. Or he’s not feeling well. Men are not as raring to go ALL the time as we’ve been led to believe, especially as they get older.

Most women when faced with a situation such as this board a runaway train with their little brains and allow the train to take them all over. For example – “He’s rejected me.He doesn’t want me.He no longer finds me attractive.He’s tiring of me.He wants to look at porn instead of me.He wants anyone but me even if it’s two-dimensional image, at least it’s something new.I’m not pretty enough.I’m not sexy enough.I’m too fat.I’m too skinny.My boobs are too small.My boobs are too saggy.I’m too old.I’m————-(you fill in the blank).Sex is not so important to him.We’ll never have sex again!!!”

BLAH BLAH BLAH. It’s ALL LIES. Remember the lying little gremlin voices? They’re screaming at you right now. SHHHHHHHHH. Shut them up. Scream back at them. Turn your back on them. Put your hand over their mouths. Stick them in a corner and ignore them. Do whatever it takes to calm yourself. Shower yourself with whatever feels the best to you. And leave your man be. He will come to you eventually. Patience. And in the meantime, not that you’re waiting for him, go make yourself smile in whatever way you can.

I have to remind myself of this too, for as sensitive as I am, I feel every little shift in his energy. Whether it be weird moods or withdrawal or a turn down for sex, I tend to take it personally. On the occasions when I feel a twinge of the old shaken to the core feelings, for I have shaky moments too like everyone, and old thoughts arise (they can be powerful on your vulnerable days) it’s now far easier to talk myself down because I know the truth way deep down or maybe it’s not so far down. It’s right there for me to reach out and hold. And I know how to take other steps, such as talking to myself or doing a quick meditation. Something else that is really nice and that has evolved as have I, now sooner or later K senses my feelings of hurt and rejected energy, as I’m working with them, and he always finds a way to allay my uneasiness.

I know it’s hard when you’re all tied up in knots. But you can do this. You can. He WILL come to you sooner or later, and likely it will be sooner as long as you can keep your focus OFF of him.

You might try this as an exercise to help you feel better: Imagine you turning your man on, turning him on much so that he finds you irresistible and can’t keep his hands off of you. Take this further. Imagine hundreds of men being turned on by you. You are a sexual, sensuous, beautiful woman no matter how old you are or what you look like. If you believe this, then it’s true, for it’s not about what you look like but the energy you exude. Turn this energy inward into YOURSELF AND YOURSELF ONLY. How does it feel turning yourself on too, in your imagination and in reality?

Your man will come to you, or he won’t.  He WILL feel the shift in your energy. If he sees you loving yourself, being good to yourself, enjoying your beautiful life without him (though the invitation to join you is always there) it may very well spark something up in him. If this man doesn’t come to you, another will, for you are immersed in joy and love. This is what you have created within YOU. And this leaves the door (or your energy) WIDE open for others to come into this lovely energy field that YOU made. This could very well be another man, the true LOVE of your LIFE. If the REAL deal is already there with you, and he’s just having a grumpy day or week or month, this love for yourself will likely pull him out of his funk all the more quickly, make him smile all the wider and love you even more deeply.

Loving and appreciating yourself above all else is enormously sexy and attractive. If your man doesn’t want to play, then someone else will.

If his out of the norm behavior continues though, you CAN approach him about it, speak to him. Tell him you miss him, you miss feeling close to him, you miss his body holding yours, you miss him inside you. Ask him if there is anything he wants to say or tell you. This will likely open things up for him if he’s feeling blocked and/or something is indeed bothering him.

And whatever he says, please believe him. If there is a deep problem, maybe counseling is needed, eg. if he’s depressed, having a mid-life crisis which is just depression with another name.

Even though women have the reputation for being ruled by their feelings, eg. sex drive disappears when something is on their mind, or it’s harder to warm up and/or orgasm, men are far more affected by their situations apart from the relationship than we are led to believe. When a man’s desire wanes, remember it’s more often than not due to outside circumstances.

So please RELAX. This too shall pass.

If nothing else registers from this article, PLEASE let it be this: When our men turn us down for sex, It’s ever so RARELY IF EVER about US.