Sex and HeartHow I transformed devastation into love and loving lust

The very BEST gift you can give to a man is to be happy yourself. You do this by filling yourself up. With hobbies, people, and activities you love. You fill yourself up with passion.

You do this by only DOING for your man when it makes YOU feel GOOD, when it makes YOU feel like LOVE. Never out of obligation. Never with an agenda such as a seeking of validation or attention.

The biggest part of your happiness lies within YOU and by loving and embracing YOU.

And maybe a critical piece here is if YOUR MAN is an IMPORTANT, contributing part of your happiness, meaning he makes you laugh and love even bigger. Meaning the things he does for you fill you up even more. Meaning the love and adoration he bestows on you make you expand and bloom all the more beautifully.

When your man has created some of this happiness for you and he knows with all he has how happy he makes you feel, then that’s the ULTIMATE gift of all.

If this man of yours, this wonderful being who loves you KNOWS he can and does make you feel GOOD, that you feel DELIGHTED being with him even if it’s doing nothing at all, he will be yours FOREVER.

And he will know this in your beautiful, welcoming smile and embrace at the door when he returns home, in your soft contentment emanating from you in the warm, comforting snuggle you share in bed every night and/or every morning, in your pleasure radiating out of you from the small gestures to the grand ones, in the joy, the ecstasy he brings to you from the mind blowing orgasms he helps give you.

Your satisfaction in all things, sexually and otherwise will flow out copiously in your actions and through your energy. And this will make for one happy man himself. And he will love you all the more for it too.

Not much else, maybe nothing else will make him feel happier than feeling yours.

The VERY BEST thing you can do for your man and yourself is not only to find your joy and love within but also to ALLOW HIM to make you feel happier still.

xxoo

You will always be working through things. That’s life I suppose, that is if you wish to accept the challenge, to live as full a life as you can imagine, create, and maybe even and then some.

There are certainly those who choose to remain stagnant throughout their lives, maybe barely living is more accurate, for the work required to expand their horizons seems perhaps too difficult and/or too potentially painful.

This feels very sad to me, for there is SO MUCH more available to you to experience and with more depth and breadth if you are brave enough to plunge, headlong if need be, onto this path, the one that leads to YOU, to your core inside, your deepest depths.

I won’t lie to you and tell you that your path of life as a human will be entirely strewn with rose petals though some of it most definitely will be. There will be much that is beautiful, and there will be much that hurts. Believe me when I say the hurt is essential, for how would you know just how stunning the beauty if you never know the ugly and the painful? The richness, the joy, the bliss that will be your reward when you take yourself on in this way though is beyond the worth of any agony you might happen upon.

The trajectory of inner growth is never a straight line. I believe all would agree with this, but I have heard repeatedly from many sources that your journey is one of one step forward, two steps back, as you learn new ways of being and behaving, relinquishing habits that no longer serve you, trying on new patterns, releasing old traumas, making room for more, including more love, as you rewire old neural connections. With this I CANNOT agree.

I really hate when this is spoken. It sounds defeatist to me. It smacks of assured failures along the way. It reeks of negativity even though you will also be told, but you WILL make progress, albeit SLOWLY. I can imagine that anyone hearing words like this would want to give up before even starting. It’s feels awful.

There is something I wish to propose to you, an alternative viewpoint I wish to present. Try thinking about this completely differently.

You will NEVER take steps backwards. To go backwards once the journey has been embarked on is impossible. Absolutely, totally impossible. Whenever you are armed with knowledge which enhances your growth however small a tidbit it might be, whenever you let the smallest trace of old residue go, you have moved closer to the real you inside, the love being that you were born as and are still.

Yes you will likely stumble along the way. Yes you may trip over a root or a stone lying in your path. Yes you may twist your ankle. Yes you may even fall down big time, sprawled face down in the dirt, your knees skinned and bleeding, but you will NEVER, EVER fall backwards.

What you are doing is continuously walking that path deeper into your heart with maybe a distraction here or a diversion there, but to go backwards which sounds like retreat to me CANNOT happen. Try calling these as steps sideways. It’s far more positive. It feels doable. And doesn’t this feel so much better? This is the TRUTH as I see it and feel it.

xxoo

Real love feels good.

It’s really that simple.

You may not feel blissful in every moment, but at core love feels deep, unwavering, and wonderful.

Anything but real love will leave you feeling anxious, drained, sad, bad. At core you will feel instability, maybe a sense of emptiness, and kind of icky much of the time.

A man who is unable to step up, a man who is self-absorbed, a damaged man, a toxic man, a man who does not or cannot love you, every little bit of you will not feel good.

Yet many of us stay anyway, maybe because part of us feels unworthy of better, but it’s ALSO because we THINK we feel something, the real thing. But this something is IMAGINARY.

Yet you hope he’ll change; you think that YOU can change him so that you may have what you have dreamed of. AND you will also find yourself constantly making excuses for this kind of man. This is NOT love.

When it comes to love, and women seem to be far more prone to this than men, we can easily fall in love with the romance of it all, the fantasy of the man or the fantasy of the love that we have made up, wished for, dreamed of. We fall for the story we have created in our heads, but this is not necessarily the reality of what is.

And you see this everywhere, in your own love life, those of friends and family, and very much so in books and in the movies. It may be all you know, so it can be very easy to get caught up in what isn’t, a fairy tale you have written for you.

Sadly not much of what we see depicted in various media actually leads to an authentic experience of love. Instead it leads to illusions, and even more sadly, we can desperately clutch at these illusions, at what we think is love, and not surprisingly we suffer because it’s all built on false ideas. So they vanish as easily as the mirage they have been built on.

In the early stages of a relationship, you can feel anxious, excited, nervous, and thrilled. What you are feeling is the romance and the lust. You are also feeling  possibilities, but this is NOT love. This is romance, and romance is fun. There’s no question about it. But if you make more out of it than it can possibly be when a relationship is blooming, the romance can become painful if it does not grow into what you have imagined.

Romance may lead to love, but it can also fade without blossoming into anything more than a wilted bud. If you continue to hold on tightly to it, try to make it more than it is, you are setting yourself up for more pain. This is a relationship that was never meant to last, so it will hurt.

Desiring true love, wanting your one and only to manifest is apparently something we are born with. It drives us. It’s seems to be our ultimate quest, especially but not exclusively for women.

So when the love you think you have causes you to suffer more than to feel healed, you can be fairly certain that what you have found is not love but something else, a pretty story.

REAL love on the other hand feels GOOD. There is a peaceful quality to an authentic experience of love that penetrates to your deepest deeps, touching that part of you that I often speak of, that innateness which has always been there. True love activates this inner being, filling us with warmth and light and beauty.

An AUTHENTIC experience of love embraces you exactly as you are, no changes requested. Though you have worked to develop a deep and abiding love for yourself, when you are truly loved by another, this love awakens an even more profound love, for self and for your beloved who mirrors back to you your lover within. It creates a never ending spiral of deep and abiding LOVE.

TRUE love does not inspire neediness or lack. REAL love does not create anxiety. AUTHENTIC love does not feel bad. It EMPOWERS you with the ever present message that you are, always have been, and always will be love, PURE LOVE.

xxoo

Oh do I wish that were true, that this could be possible. Or do I?

Do I really want to be a one-dimensional feeling being, feeling only one feeling or variations thereof of this feeling?

I love my feelings, all of them, the good feeling ones as well as the bad feeling ones. Each and every one make up a part of this many faceted, limitless depths of feeling woman creature that is I. And a great part of who I am has involved feeling great pain and despair. They have in part created this sensitive, passionate, compassionate goddess woman who would not exist in this way had I not felt all kinds of different feelings, and feeling them all the way through.

Our bodies and minds go through a myriad of feelings each and every day, sometimes hundreds of them. They can can pass through so quickly at times you may not even be aware of many of them.

And if you are aware of most of them or even some of them and you have taught yourself to allow them, then they will mostly flow through you unimpeded and without affecting you greatly in any particular way. Your moods will shift, ebb and flow as the tides while you ride this fabulous wave that is your life though any one of them could certainly pull you up short, and give you pause, be it a tear filled pause or a celebratory one or some other one altogether.

The times when one or more of them are more impactful, you will feel them more deeply, but you know to sink into them even if it hurts, for this is the only way it can pass through and transform into another feeling, fluidly, smoothly, beautifully. And in this way you can learn to embrace them all with all their curves, their softness, their angles, their pointy bits, up and down, in and out, wherever they take you, however they feel to you, as they add to your dimension and enrichen you, gorgeous being you that already are.

But then sometimes, especially in the earlier stages of growth, there are ones that seem to stick to you like a bad habit which they can be and usually are.

You can accustom to feeling bad. So you may mire in a bad feeling state.

Or you can think of yourself as undeserving of good feeling feelings so you wallow in muck, maybe feeling very sorry for yourself as you suffer, or you may even attract bad feeling situations into your life. And even when potentially good feeling feeling things do come your way, you dismiss them, ignore them, or don’t even see them.

Or maybe you fear feeling good, for to have it taken away again is a devastating thought, so you avoid the good stuff completely.

This is all operating at an unconscious level of course. Most of us truly believe that we want to feel happy and all the time or at least most of it.

And then there are the more sensitive people, especially artist sensitives, and maybe they are synonymous, who feel things others don’t and usually more acutely. From within. From others. From surroundings. For me as an example, given this and my less then idyllic past (and I am so not alone in this) quite honestly I have a cloak of sadness hovering around me much of the time. It’s part of who I am. But this this does not preclude me from reveling in whatever comes my way no matter how it feels. And maybe this has me appreciating the really good feeling times even more.

I think we all have aspects of feeling fear, unworthiness, self-doubt, negativity, anxiety, and yes it does get in our way. The goal is to tip the balance the other way, to where these things don’t take precedence. So when happiness is available, and truthfully it’s always there for the taking if you just let go and reach for it, you can more readily envelop yourself in it and for increasing periods of time.

At the risk of sounding doomsayer glum, maybe it’s a good thing to feel sad, bad, scared, or any other feeling you would deems as bad feeling, for how else would you recognize happiness, joy, bliss  if that’s all you ever felt. How would you know you were feeling ecstasy if that’s the only state you know. So maybe feeling happy all the time is not such a desirable option.

Maybe not so sadly, you must feel pain and sadness and all kinds of feel bad feelings in order to be able to revel in the glorious luscious feeling moments of joy that do come your way.

xxoo

Energies between two people who have a deep connection can be palpable, and they can be felt from afar, very, very far. It’s more evident the more intimate and passionate they are with one another, the more intense are their feelings for one another.

And it just seems to be one of those unexplainable things. An it just is kind of thing. You could imagine this as a cord between them that cannot be severed until it is, purposefully.

To someone whose senses are not well attuned, one who is less in touch with the nuances within, less aware of subtleties, the feeling of this bond may not be consciously known, but felt it is.  It could be as a feel different feeling, a sense of foreboding if something is amiss, a sense of unease maybe, or a sense of well being if the individual is being thought of lovingly, especially if it’s a beloved, a big smile appearing on his/her face from seemingly nowhere.

Those more in tune and aware can feel them almost as strongly as if the person were right there in front of them, speaking to them, touching them, often knowing full well from where these sensations come.

It can very well be as a you suddenly sit up and feel something intensely, especially if trauma has been inflicted on the person with whom you are thus bonded. You can suddenly feel a chill, or a scary image can cross your consciousness, or you just know with all you have that something is wrong.

It can also be an amazing feel good feeling, especially if the one with whom you are so connected is filling up with love and warmth for you. This can be felt as a rush of heat, as a hug, as a flush of something like orgasm.

This feel good warmth can instill an instantaneous rush of yumminess, and when you are in the midst of feeling this, you will feel as though all is right within yourself and with your world.

To those whose senses are this keen, I suggest keeping your energy high and feeling good to YOU as much as you can, especially if your relationship has been faltering. Every now and then consciously direct an open and loving heart towards your partner.

If things are a bit strained between you, it will soothe the tension. If all is well between you, it will make for a less stressful day for the recipient of this energy, maybe even turn a not so great day into a much nicer one. And of course you will feel more wonderful all day too.

You may think that this could feel artificial or that this could be inauthentic, but feeling happy is a choice. A moment by moment one to be sure but a choice nonetheless. I have written about this before.  http://sexandheart.com/wordpress/?p=389

Allow me to show you how this can play out. For example when K is at work, I know he can feel the pressures that a work environment can bring, especially in a corporate environment. He dislikes the corporate mentality, but he loves what he does, so he has had to work to make this work for him, and he’s done very well doing so. But things can and do get to him at times.

I also know that when I fill myself up with love for him whether it be consciously or otherwise, it most definitely eases his day, lifts his load and his mood. He feels something warm and fuzzy; he feels love; he feels loved by me even through the irritations that may accrue.

The bad feelings things of course convey as well if not more so. If you remember last July when my car rolled as a result of a bad tire which blew on the freeway, K sensed something. He may not have felt something was amiss necessarily, for he doesn’t work with these kind of thoughts as much as I do, but he felt a sense of something not being right. So when he received “that” phone call from the officer who called him from my cell and fortunately so, for K wouldn’t have answered otherwise, his feelings were confirmed.

K is not as conscious of these energies as I, so he may dismiss them, but that’s okay. I feel really good knowing that I can still send loving good feeling feelings to him, maybe even sexy ones, and he feels it regardless if he know he feels it, and so he has a much lovelier day because if it.

I truly believe that in part, he so looks forward to seeing me every evening because of this, even if he has no clue about any of this within himself. Again it just is.

This can also work, fortunately or not so, with those with whom you had connection in the past, positively or negatively, especially if you carry unresolved emotions around this person or better said, unhealed parts of you in association with this person. I warn you this usually feels bad.

Ultimately it’s a good thing if you are open to it, for it prompts you to look into ignored or neglected parts of you or parts of which maybe you were truly unaware. In retrospect you can recognize they were there all along, for they maybe showed up in other ways, physically, such as an aching tummy or frequent headaches, emotionally, such as unexplained angst or crankiness and not due to hormonal shifts, and spiritually, such as in a feeling of disconnection from yourself or your loved ones.

Let me give you an example of this completely different scenario.

I haven’t thought about nor talked about my ex let alone heard from him in years. He pops up in my dreams every now and then which I find greatly disturbing, and this tells me not so much that I haven’t closed that chapter with him, but that I haven’t healed the wounds completely that I brought from that relationship. And this can feel frustrating, for I work so hard on all of this.

A few weekends ago while visiting my dad, his wife out of nowhere mentions him, the ex. Come Monday wouldn’t you know I have communication from him. I legally changed my last name four years ago about which he would have had no knowledge, and my e-mail address has changed twice since we split. I have no idea how he found me, and yes this feels creepy if not a little scary.

He contacted me out of the blue for reasons all his own, but I also believe he unconsciously felt the shifts in me which included a more complete severing of the bond that once was.

This made me see that though indeed I have done some big healing around him and whatever it was I held within while with him, including the hurt I allowed to be inflicted, MOST importantly this serves as a reminder. It shows me more concretely the additional work I need to do. Though this knowledge has distressed me, I am grateful for the sign. You could call this a universal message.

To be repeatedly reminded that there’s more to do can be painful, but then again it’s a good thing to know that I have the ability to receive these universal post it notes and that I’m open to dealing with them.

And it feels REALLY good knowing that that my capacity to heal and to fill myself with even MORE LOVE expands exponentially the more I heal. My heart is apparently boundless, limitless. This can’t but be a WONDERFUL thing.

And all of this can only make my connection with my beloved even more profound.

xxoo