Sex and HeartHow I transformed devastation into love and loving lust

Committed love What is it? What does it look like? How does it play out in the real world?

My definition of committed love looks like this.  It means I want to be with you and only you, body, mind, heart, and soul. I adore you and cherish you.

I am passionate about you, can’t imagine being with anyone but you.

I love being with you even if we’re doing nothing, just BEING together.

I am whole onto myself, yet you fill me up even more, take me to places I can only touch on alone. You don’t complete me, but you make me feel bigger, more expansive than I do alone. We feel great by ourselves and even better together.

I love you and want you more every day, nearby me, inside my body, inside my heart. I feel more at ease and comfortable, more ME the more we are together, separate yet as one. You bring out the best in me in all ways.

And this kind of commitment isn’t necessarily voiced aloud, yet the understanding of it is so profound. There is no question in either person’s mind, no words needed even though they may slip out now and then or more often. I have come to prefer the randomness and spontaneity of the occasional. The words never carry lost or diminished meaning this way.

Yes it does feel really good to hear, yet the actions say so much more, in the open, welcoming, glowing eyes, a safely comforting embrace, the warm, accepting, enveloping heart, through passionate lovemaking. Committed love is not calculated. It just is.

The deeply intimate bond I speak of rarely if ever happens without having been together for a while, years even, that place you can only get to with time, as your energies and spirits intertwine and feel almost as familiar as yourself.

This kind of love goes way beyond lust though lust definitely still factors in. It’s when you know each other so well, there are no more surprises, yet each moment together is a surprise, a happy one even in the midst of challenge or turmoil. Each minute a delight even if there’s pain. Each hour soul filling even if there’s a feeling of disconnect. For even when you feel a distance, there is an energetic cord between you, invisible yet tangible which cannot be broken.

It’s not a question of forsaking all others. The others don’t even figure into the picture. We may or may not recognize there are others, “appealing” others even, but they are passing images in the periphery. We don’t want them. We only want each other.

When two people are deeply connected in love and passion, it’s not that there’s no one else in the world. Yes we notice attractive people, BUT we are not attracted. Yes there may a little buzz of arousal, BUT there is no desire for that person.

And yes we have friends, dear ones, deeply loving ones, but it’s a different feeling, fulfilling in another way altogether.

It is often said that over time love becomes predictable, but I have to say my heart flutters more now when K walks in the door at night than it ever did in the beginning, and the joy emanating clearly from his eyes and through his smile, love radiating from him when he sees me tells me he feels the same.

Sex is never boring, people are. A little creativity and imagination go a long way. Relationships never grow stale, people do. None of this is hard work. It feels easy. The work on self is the challenging bit, difficult at times, painful, but the bond between us is our anchor, our source of respite, home. This is true love. This is committed true love.

xxoo

“I was reading sections of your book again. I can’t read it all at once because there is so much feeling and emotion in it, and it speaks to me in ways no other book ever has. So I read a bit here and a bit there and then digest that so to speak and try to feel out how it would work for me.

The one thing that really struck me is the fact that you actually opened up and went where he was going. Those porn sites. Opened yourself up to it and at the same time to him. So it is not all about leaning back to get what you want, sometimes it is stepping up and forward to be a part of what he is and wants. Or am I seeing that wrong?

It is of course something that you did for yourself. explored and discovered, but I am wondering if what he did had not triggered you in that way and you had not done what you did – would you be where you are today with yourself and with your relationship?

You did that for yourself but didn’t you also do it for the relationship because he was worth it? You together were worth it”

Okay. This is important and needs clarification, firstly what I did back then and also to demonstrate the subtleties which can arise when you are working on leaning back. I understand where you might see this as me leaning forward, but I did not step forward to be a part of him, in other words to change myself to please him, nor did I do this thinking this would be what HE wants. He didn’t ask me to share any of this with him. This would likely have never occurred to him. He DID NOT ask me to participate. I don’t believe he even secretly wished for this.

The unspoken was for me to accept him for who he is, to TRUST him in his love for me, to accept that what he does has no bearing on his feelings for me, not his love nor his lust, that it’s absolutely not a reflection on me whatsoever. He may have had a habit, but he did not have an addiction.

I could not accept all of this at face value though. Many women can but not me. When I don’t “get” something, I have a need to understand, to feel what a person feels and think how they think as closely as possible. In this case the only way I could come up with to delve into K’s his mind and his heart in order to reach an understanding within myself was to immerse myself in his behavior.

Eventually there came a time where I felt compelled to ask for a front row seat right up close and personal, i.e. ask to share it with him that I may see for myself how innocuous it is for him with my own eyes and to also feel this with my entire body.

He had no idea what I was doing for a long time. He had no idea about the work I was doing on myself. He did not know I was exploring porn for myself, but this exploration was not necessarily as a form of entertainment. It was a means to an end, a way of overcoming a deeper fear. This was the only way I felt I could truly meet the fears that porn aroused in me, head on. He had no clue until the day I asked him to show me what he does.

I had a huge resistance to and fear of porn. But why you might ask. I don’t know, and it really doesn’t matter. What does matter is that his porn habit was a trigger for much more important issues inside ME, things I may have not been aware of or if I was, I had up until then, ignored them or pushed them away.

This alone would have been cause for me to look at and explore this dramatic reaction within me complete with intense obsessive thoughts. I was clear that this was something I needed to address inside myself. It meant something much deeper was happening in ME, something having nothing to do with porn.

Delving into porn really came about because the revelation that the enjoyment he derived by looking at it brought me to a place where I had to decide if this was a deal breaker. I had to ask myself, was this thing he did which was a habit and not an addiction, for it did not interfere in our love life, our life as a couple, nor with his own life, something that I absolutely could not live with?

I had to ask myself if all the other really wonderful stuff worth rejecting over this, a silly habit? Was this man, this relationship worth it to me?

Somewhere inside me I knew this was a very special man, special enough to for me to finally deal with my stuff. Yes he was someone worth it enough for me to do this work. If he hadn’t been, then maybe I wouldn’t have braved the elements inside me. For if I had not faced my fears which were not porn but what this triggered in me, then likely we would not still be together and if we were, it definitely would not be the intense passionate, deeply intimate bond we now have.

So not only was there more going on here aside from the porn, I also had something at stake, this relationship. This man who in every other way was a perfect fit, a soul mate if you will, was yes in a sense the impetus, but he was never the instigator.

This was really about me and for me. I had deep issues that had been plaguing me for much of my life. I had never felt good or comfortable inside myself let alone around men. I had always wanted a REAL relationship with a man, and I also wanted a happy relationship with myself. But my fears seemed to prevent me from digging down as deeply as I would have to do to get what I wanted. It took this, something that shook me to the core, but I didn’t do it for anyone else but me.

Sure I hoped he would respond positively. Sure I wished his habits would change too. But my goal was get to a place where whatever happened, I would be okay.

So I wasn’t leaning forward at all. I was in fact leaning back. I was taking care of me.

So though it might look like I was leaning forward to become part of his world in this, I was actually leaning back to take care of my heart and my spirit and my body too, for the only possibility for me in coming to accept if not embrace this “thing” and thus all of K, not just pieces of him, was to grab the bull by the horns so to speak. I had to immerse myself in this “thing” FOR ME, so that I could see for myself how not a threat it is to me. I did it to heal a piece of me.

And as result of my healing I inspired some healing within him which included new thoughts and feelings around porn but more importantly his own heart and spirit and how that relates to us.

As I have said, love brings up anything unlike itself to be healed. The world and especially intimate relationships are a reflection.

xxoo

Hi Tinque,

OK…here’s my situation.  My boyfriend and I have LOTS of sex. We have it I’d say at least 4 times a week and usually more than that.  We both have children, but our children do not live with us (they live out of state…my children with their father and his with their mother).  We’ve both stated that if we could have our children with us, we would, and we’re both fine with that and would want that for the other.

Well…my children came down this summer (they spend part of the summer with me and part of it with their dad) and all of a sudden, the sex stopped. I don’t “officially” live with my man, but I do spend most of my nights there, and that didn’t change when my children were here…But…he wasn’t initiating sex with me while they were here. I tried and was rejected twice in a row (as in two nights in a row) and the second time, I cried.  We talked about it, and he said hadn’t meant to hurt me.

I told him I was trying very hard to create a balance here because we are used to having each other to ourselves, and I wanted him to know that the sexy, sensual, sexual  woman he loves so much is still here…even when the children are too. He asked me not to “try” anything and just let things be what they are. He assured me he still sees all of that in me and was just having a little trouble with the children being in the house (he didn’t have the problem last summer or on any other vacation, and he doesn’t know why it happened this summer but in any case, he asked me not to worry).

So…within a couple of days, he initiated, and we had sex a couple of times (not near as much as normal but it was there, and I felt better). Then my kids went back to their dad’s house.

He and I went on a mini vacation, and we had sex…no problem. When we got back, his children came down. He has not reached out to me sexually since (not even a hint or a tease or anything at all). I’m not doing anything (except a few sexy little words whispered in his ear on occasion) because he asked me not to and because his prior rejection hurt so much.

I guess I just don’t understand (he’s never rejected me before, so that’s new for me…and it hurts) and I don’t know what to do or say. Do you think I’m faced with an entire summer with no sex (and then I worry because the kids will be here on several vacations too)?

I’m feeling kind of insecure about him not being able to see me the same when children are involved, and I’m afraid that will carry over to our lives after they leave (not to mention…what would happen if one of us DID get our kids to live with us??).

I also struggle (because he’s cheated on me in the past…WAY past) with insecurities about him finding someone else to fulfill that need if he can’t see me as a sexy woman anymore. I’m afraid of losing him, and I’m afraid of bringing it up again. I know after we talked about it last time, we ended up having sex, but I’m wondering if that wasn’t just to pacify me (since I cried about the rejection).

I’ve never really been an insecure woman, and I hate how it feels…and I don’t know why I’m so concerned now but I am. Do you have any insight into what this might mean psychologically? I guess I find it hard to imagine a man who likes to have so much sex just all of a sudden giving it up and then picking back up where we started as soon as the kids leave.

My sexual confidence has plummeted, and I’m confused about that because it’s never been an issue with me before…I’ve always had PLENTY of confidence in that area. So…I feel so hurt and scared and undesirable right now…and that’s NOT the me I know and love.

I am open to talking to him about it again, but I don’t really know how to approach the subject in a way that feels inviting to him because…well…we already talked about it and he knows how I feel, so how do I go about it without sounding incredibly pathetic and making things even worse?

Any thoughts or suggestions?  Again…thank you so much for taking the time to listen and talk through this with me…

Much Love, Me

Okay,

Here we go. Here’s my answer.

Dear Me,

You didn’t mention the ages of the children, and this could very well be a big reason for the changes from previous years. They may be at an age when they know and understand what sex is, and this night be making your man feel uncomfortable, for whatever reason. He’s always been Dad or Mom’s new “husband” (I use that term very loosely since you do not wish this again, but kids don’t get the difference, not really). Now he’s more than that; he’s a sexual being to them too, and this might make your man feel weird.

Maybe he’s concerned they will hear you or walk in on you. It seems as though he’s having a little conflict within himself, one he may very well not be aware of or have at least not put thought concepts to let alone feelings. Men are not great talking about or dealing with feelings as I’m sure you know, so even with himself, he’s probably pushing the feelings as well any thoughts aside.

I know rejection hurts. The first time I was rejected, I thought I would die. I was soooo hurt, felt soooo rejected. I felt sooooo embarrassed. I get rejected a lot, well not a lot, sometimes, but usually it’s picked up later that evening or in the morning. Usually it’s because he’s had a rough day at work and wants to unwind first, or he’s just too tired or just has too much on his mind. When our men reject us for sex, it’s ever so rarely if ever about US. I will say this again because it’s vital.

When our men reject us for sex, IT”S RARELY IF EVER ABOUT US. I too have to remind myself of this as sensitive as I am. It’s the same with weird moods or withdrawal.

We too have lots of sex, four times a week on average, so I don’t feel deprived anymore or stupid or rejected or less than or not as young or as pretty or as anything as anyone else, at least not in this sort of situation. I don’t feel hurt anymore because I KNOW now that he still wants me, desires me, finds me very sexy, but he’s just not wanting sex in that moment.

This took time, and he was an integral part of it. He quickly saw how hurt I was when this came up, so whenever a situation such as yours arose, he would lovingly reassure me that all was okay. And sure enough a bit later or at the most the next day, it would happen.

I find it very interesting that you say you have tremendous self confidence, and I believe you, yet you falter in this area. Maybe it’s only because it’s not happened before, but think about this. This has really thrown you. How much of you, your identity, your sense of self-worth, your femininity is wrapped up into your sexuality? What does rejection sexually really mean to you?

This is NOT a negative thing. I have a lot of all of these aspects and maybe more intertwined with my sexuality which tends to make me more sensitive to these things, a turn down for example. Is this you too?

I can feel enormously insecure in many ways but not in this situation. Not anymore and mainly because of my man’s sensitivity to me. But I get and still feel why this might affect you so profoundly.

I feel the most deeply connected and loving when bonded in this way. It’s not that I feel validation through this act, yet I feel more whole, more real, more alive, more with him in a way for which I have no words other than profound, yet that’s not quite right. It seems it’s the same for you. I think it’s maybe a more common among women from deep neglect and/or abuse. This is something to consider, how your past abuse could be reflected in this and your reaction around it.

Knowing all of  this can allow you to be more sensitive to yourself and to him. You may have to talk yourself down anytime this occurs again, but that’s not such a bad thing. It’s all about awareness. You know he still wants you. You now know his “rejection” is not about YOU.

What happens in these circumstances, something I’m very familiar with, most women do this A LOT, is allowing your head to board a runaway train.

YOU – “He’s rejected me. He doesn’t want me. He’s finding me unattractive. He’s tiring of me. He wants someone else. Someone new. Or. Sex is not so important to him. We’ll never have sex again.”

My little story might go like this.

ME – He’s away, alone, not much to do at night. He’s looking at porn. He’s looking at a lot of porn, maybe all night long. He’s looking every day. He will get so used to those pretty, young things as a visual. When he sees me he will be disappointed. He will want to look at just as much porn when I’m there.”

BLAH BLAH BLAH. It’s ALL LIES. Remember the lying little gremlin voices? They’re screaming at you right now. SHHHHHHHHH. Shut them up. Scream back at them.

He didn’t “end” up having sex with you to pacify you. Men don’t operate that way. He had sex with you because he wanted to, because he finds you enormously attractive, sexy, sensual. And because he loves you.

My advice to you is to leave him be for now or lean back as Rori would say. Let him find his footing in this what apparently is for him a NEW situation, a new and different rhythm, FOR NOW. I doubt his disinterest will continue but if it does, then go ahead and speak up.

Tell him it seems as though something is bothering him. Is there anything he would like to say to you? Tell him that it seems as though the children are interfering with his lust for you, and you feel confused by it. It felt awful when he rejected you, You don’t like feeling that way. It hurt. You feel weird, scared, whatever about initiating again, yet you want him in that way. You miss him. Then see what he says.

Compose a little speech if you have to, and memorize it. I need this because I feel so afraid bringing up uncomfortable to me topics though it is far less scary than it once was, but still I tend to get flustered. You may not.

The only concern I do have is the cheating in the past. In my mind once a cheater always a cheater or at least the potential for it. But and this is important, he KNOWS that you have a great deal of strength and self-respect and though you adore him, if he crosses that line, you WILL walk. He really, really knows that.

It seems to me from everything you’ve written about him that he’s crazy about you too and would not want to risk losing you for a brief thrill filled with nothingness.

So let the YOU you know and love back on to take center stage.

I hope this helps. Let me know what happens and if there is anything else I can help with.

Much love and big hugs,

tinque

xxoo

I sincerely believe that there CANNOT be real intimacy in an open relationship. I say adamantly and feel strongly that if you don’t want loyalty, fidelity, and monogamy with one special person, you will not feel a true, deep, and abiding connection, nor will you be able to succumb to the feelings of utter abandon and whole-hearted openness which is true INTIMACY.

Without exclusivity you can’t even begin to feel vulnerable let alone consummately so. Without the ease, comfort, and bared soul that allows you vulnerability, unabashed ecstasy will not be, not sexually, not spiritually, not ultimately. Sex might feel good. It might feel really, really good, but you will just have no idea about GOOD until you have experienced SEX with HEART. And this can only be discovered, unveiled, and experienced between two people who have taken the time and care to TRULY know and FEEL each other, no holds barred. This is true intimacy.

Imagine feeling so SAFE with, so filled with TRUST for THE ONE that you can OPEN yourself completely, body, heart, and spirit, LET yourself GO so completely and absolutely, be so purely VULNERABLE in the presence of your one and only, someone who you love and adore, someone who loves and adores you. Imagine the heights and depths you can reach when your heart and mind are so FREE yet so CONNECTED. This is LOVE at its most divine, maybe its most pure. This is TRUE intimacy.

I know sexual rejection hurts. The first time I was turned down for sex, I thought I would die. I was SO hurt. I felt SO embarrassed. I felt SO rejected.

These days I get rejected a lot, well not a lot, sometimes.  But it no longer throws me, for now I know it’s not a rejection of ME. It’s not ever about me at all. I also know it will be picked up later that evening or in the morning. What it’s usually about is that he’s had a rough day at work and wants to unwind first, or he’s just too tired or just has too much on his mind whether it be the state of the world or something else. Or he’s not feeling well. Men are not as raring to go ALL the time as we’ve been led to believe, especially as they get older.

Most women when faced with a situation such as this board a runaway train with their little brains and allow the train to take them all over. For example – “He’s rejected me.He doesn’t want me.He no longer finds me attractive.He’s tiring of me.He wants to look at porn instead of me.He wants anyone but me even if it’s two-dimensional image, at least it’s something new.I’m not pretty enough.I’m not sexy enough.I’m too fat.I’m too skinny.My boobs are too small.My boobs are too saggy.I’m too old.I’m————-(you fill in the blank).Sex is not so important to him.We’ll never have sex again!!!”

BLAH BLAH BLAH. It’s ALL LIES. Remember the lying little gremlin voices? They’re screaming at you right now. SHHHHHHHHH. Shut them up. Scream back at them. Turn your back on them. Put your hand over their mouths. Stick them in a corner and ignore them. Do whatever it takes to calm yourself. Shower yourself with whatever feels the best to you. And leave your man be. He will come to you eventually. Patience. And in the meantime, not that you’re waiting for him, go make yourself smile in whatever way you can.

I have to remind myself of this too, for as sensitive as I am, I feel every little shift in his energy. Whether it be weird moods or withdrawal or a turn down for sex, I tend to take it personally. On the occasions when I feel a twinge of the old shaken to the core feelings, for I have shaky moments too like everyone, and old thoughts arise (they can be powerful on your vulnerable days) it’s now far easier to talk myself down because I know the truth way deep down or maybe it’s not so far down. It’s right there for me to reach out and hold. And I know how to take other steps, such as talking to myself or doing a quick meditation. Something else that is really nice and that has evolved as have I, now sooner or later K senses my feelings of hurt and rejected energy, as I’m working with them, and he always finds a way to allay my uneasiness.

I know it’s hard when you’re all tied up in knots. But you can do this. You can. He WILL come to you sooner or later, and likely it will be sooner as long as you can keep your focus OFF of him.

You might try this as an exercise to help you feel better: Imagine you turning your man on, turning him on much so that he finds you irresistible and can’t keep his hands off of you. Take this further. Imagine hundreds of men being turned on by you. You are a sexual, sensuous, beautiful woman no matter how old you are or what you look like. If you believe this, then it’s true, for it’s not about what you look like but the energy you exude. Turn this energy inward into YOURSELF AND YOURSELF ONLY. How does it feel turning yourself on too, in your imagination and in reality?

Your man will come to you, or he won’t.  He WILL feel the shift in your energy. If he sees you loving yourself, being good to yourself, enjoying your beautiful life without him (though the invitation to join you is always there) it may very well spark something up in him. If this man doesn’t come to you, another will, for you are immersed in joy and love. This is what you have created within YOU. And this leaves the door (or your energy) WIDE open for others to come into this lovely energy field that YOU made. This could very well be another man, the true LOVE of your LIFE. If the REAL deal is already there with you, and he’s just having a grumpy day or week or month, this love for yourself will likely pull him out of his funk all the more quickly, make him smile all the wider and love you even more deeply.

Loving and appreciating yourself above all else is enormously sexy and attractive. If your man doesn’t want to play, then someone else will.

If his out of the norm behavior continues though, you CAN approach him about it, speak to him. Tell him you miss him, you miss feeling close to him, you miss his body holding yours, you miss him inside you. Ask him if there is anything he wants to say or tell you. This will likely open things up for him if he’s feeling blocked and/or something is indeed bothering him.

And whatever he says, please believe him. If there is a deep problem, maybe counseling is needed, eg. if he’s depressed, having a mid-life crisis which is just depression with another name.

Even though women have the reputation for being ruled by their feelings, eg. sex drive disappears when something is on their mind, or it’s harder to warm up and/or orgasm, men are far more affected by their situations apart from the relationship than we are led to believe. When a man’s desire wanes, remember it’s more often than not due to outside circumstances.

So please RELAX. This too shall pass.

If nothing else registers from this article, PLEASE let it be this: When our men turn us down for sex, It’s ever so RARELY IF EVER about US.