Sex and HeartHow I transformed devastation into love and loving lust

I received this request from a reader.

“I would really like to you to give some advice on addressing “wandering eyes” in men. Last night while walking in the park with my husband we came upon a ball field. There was a very petite well-enhanced blonde mother who was grabbing all the coachs’ attention (including her teenage son’s friends). My husband actually slowed down almost to a stop and peered around me to look at her while doing the 10 second up/down look. I stopped walking, glanced at her and looked at him–I was speechless. He was picturing her naked right there in front of me with this lustful look on his face and even looked around me to do it. I was shocked that he didn’t hide it. I know that this is a problem for a lot of women and would really appreciate some advice.”

First of all it’s normal and natural for men to check out women. It’s almost as if it’s built into their DNA. Can you in all honesty say to me that YOU NEVER notice a well-built man or one that has a certain look that makes your heart beat a little bit faster? Or maybe a man smiles at you as he passes by, and this makes you feel good, and maybe even a little spark of something sexual glimmers inside you.

Doe this mean anything to you? Do you imagine this man in your bed having sex with you? Of course not, unless you’re totally single, ready, and available, or you are just not that into your man. Unless you are trolling for a new guy, it would be a passing thought, and it’s just as quickly gone.

And so it is with your man.

Now when out with their woman, men “should” have learned along to the way to be discrete about their natural instinct to simply look, and this is all it is. For the most part, they are not even aware they have done it, given a woman a quick once over. It’s SO quick that if you had blinked when he did this, you would have missed it.

In this case and in any other similar ones, and this is VERY important, it may NOT be as you have imagined. I can almost guarantee you that if you are with a good man, it’s rarely if ever what you think.

You really DON’T know he was undressing her with his eyes. Really you don’t. You are majorly making assumptions here. Yes he was checking her out. It was likely as a reflex, as I just explained, BUT he was also looking to see what the obvious to do was about which you described. You were looking to see what was going on too, weren’t you? Commotion creates curiosity.

AND for all you know, and this is likely a more accurate depiction of this scenario, he was looking not in awe at her enhancements but in shock and horror, in astonishment. As in WOW!!! Why would she do that to herself? How silly she looks. How plastic. And the hair! Can we say so uninviting, so unappealing. How pathetic. How sad. Yuck. Of course I’m translating HIS words into girl speak.

That said, let’s say your man actually did obviously and blatantly stare at another woman, tongue hanging, eyes bugged out. It’s clear he desires her. My first question to you would be, “why are you with a man who has seemingly no regard for your feelings, who would be this disrespectful to you? He doesn’t seem at all committed.” Think about this first.

Okay so let’s say this is a first time occurrence. If his look lasts for more than an instinctive split second, and if it bothers you for more than a split second, then you need to let him know that what he did feels bad. It made you feel uncomfortable, insecure, angry, whatever it was you felt. And you must speak up in the moment.

If you initially let it go though and this incident continues to eat at you, then you still need to say something. You don’t want it to fester and then have it come out at another time in a totally inappropriate, out of proportion way. You could say something like this:

“The other night when we were out walking, it seemed as though you were ogling that blonde woman, and that felt so bad. I felt so not enough in that moment.”

A good guy would apologize and make it right is some way, in his way.

My reader’s response:

“Wow I never thought I could say anything like that if a man does that. I always felt it’s ok to look at the menu just don’t order.”

There is a distinct difference between a brief glance over that even you as a woman would engage in in this kind of situation, and flat out eyes wide staring for fifteen seconds.

BUT we don’t really know if he was staring at the woman, or if he was simply wondering what was happening or if he was staring at the “spectacle” that is she, a caricature of a real woman.

We women have a tendency to project our insecurities on to our men. And it’s okay to be mistaken.

If after voicing your feelings over what you think was going on, he still gets defensive, then you will know that maybe you were correct in your assessment, and there are maybe things you need to talk about. Maybe you need to rethink this man. But do talk first.

“Tinque…you are awesome!! I know they will look (I walked through the red light district in Amsterdam with him once)  It’s the 15 second look and re-look that made me feel icky and so undesirable…so not enough…maybe it was the fact that she had that “porn star look” (sorry but that’s what she looked like…unnatural body…fake tan…bleach blonde)…maybe scared the porn use will skyrocket again…then the sexual rejection will come back again. Maybe I feel my man doesn’t look at me that way. I wish men (more importantly…my man) would look at me with “lust in their eyes”. I felt totally turned off from him in that moment. I felt like giving up trying to deal with the lingering feelings of rejection and turning around and walking away.”

Can you see how she’s boarding that run away train in her brain? A few seconds long look at something totally freakish (and I am sure that’s exactly what he was thinking) and she has gone from, “I know men look to, I WILL be rejected. My man never looks at ME that way, with lust.”

Her fears are understandable, and maybe they are well founded since he has had a problem with porn before, but since she has chosen to be with this man, she cannot live her life thinking, “what if”.

If his porn habit escalates, if he starts neglecting her, then and only then is there something to deal with. In the meantime, she must work under the assumption he looks a little at porn or not at all. And when he notices women out in the street, it’s nothing more than a passing glance. Maybe he will think briefly that she’s attractive, but that’s it, nothing more to be thought about or done about it. If he is turned on at all, then this is only fuel for his fire for HER.

Now in this case in Amsterdam, very much like the case in the park, he may very well have been looking at her in astonishment and couldn’t stop looking because she looked liked such a cartoon. You know how people can’t get enough of looking at car wrecks even though they’re hard to look at?

And lastly I would have her ask herself this, and this is crucial:

“How do you know he doesn’t look at YOU with lust in his eyes? Have you looked? REALLY looked? Have you checked his eyes right before you make love?

Have you ever looked at HIM with lust in your eyes, soft, open, come take me eyes?”

Please think about this. Think about this long and hard, and then go give him THOSE eyes, and see what he does.

xxoo

Are you desperate and in pain over your man’s porn viewing habits? You are not alone. This issue has become almost pandemic.

I want you to know first and foremost that his enjoyment of porn is NOT about YOU. If nothing else registers here, please let it be this. Your man’s porn viewing has absolutely NOTHING to do with YOU.

Unless he’s an addict, and this would be an entirely different situation than what I am discussing here, then your man’s porn viewing is simply a pastime or a habit which YOU are having a hard time with because it’s triggering some things deep within you.

This is also something that you will not resolve within yourself overnight. This will be a process, and this part IS about you, NOT HIM. If you find yourself deeply troubled over it, it’s an indication that you have some things to deal with that go far deeper and beyond porn. You have some insecurities and maybe other issues that finding your man’s porn has brought to the fore. This is an opportunity for YOU to HEAL.

It will likely be a struggle. It will likely be painful. And there are many ways to ease the journey as you sort this out and work to shed old issues. Learning how to communicate with your man so he can not only hear you but maybe help you with this is a key piece, but most importantly you must find a way to heal your old wounds.

And you may also have to come to accept, at least mostly, that porn will likely never go away, and that this is not necessarily a bad thing.

I know the last part you probably don’t want to hear. I didn’t, and honestly I still go through spells albeit briefly now when I do wish porn would poof go away.

Now I’ve been in about as bad a place over porn as you can imagine. It triggered my most profound and darkest insecurities. It shook me to my core. I felt as though my entire world and all I believed was true about relationships and love had come crashing down into tiny pieces around me. I was as low as a being can be.

BUT still, somehow, I knew that my man was and is crazy in lust and love with me, and this confused me greatly. I was having enormous difficulty reconciling this in my addled little panicky brain.

What I did know though and from the beginning was that this was a tremendous opportunity to look at and release old habits and patterns, protections that no longer served me and in fact hindered my growth as a woman, a sensuous creature.

These “safe havens” which I had accumulated, hid things, things I had pushed away, ignored, or didn’t even know were there. I had created them, these walls of varying thicknesses, barriers, curtains which I started putting into place starting at a young age. And it was time to let them go if I wanted the kind of life and love I had only dreamed about up to that point.

There are numerous tools and modalities available to help with the process, many of which I tried. Some worked for me, and some did not. Try anything and everything that attracts you. I detail many in my e-book. Things that didn’t work for me may very well help you. I found meditation and journaling wonderfully helpful as a catharsis and as methods to work through emotions, ease the pain as more and more of my stuff rose to the surface asking to be cleared away.

Having someone close to you, someone you trust with whom to talk is a hugely hurt abating practice. Finding like minded individuals via the internet is tremendous for not feeling so alone, and the women on a good site will be unbiasedly supportive.

You need to keep the communication going with your man as you work on your healing. Confrontations or even a “can we talk?” will cause your man to shut down. Speaking your feelings from the heart on the other hand will not. Briefly, just tell him how you feel. That’s it.

He may or may not respond. It doesn’t matter. This is about you. As an example, “I feel really nervous bringing this up, but it’s been bothering me and making me feel bad. I feel so insecure and just so not good enough when I think about you looking at pictures of other women, especially naked ones. It just feels so awful.”

That’s really all you need to say. Don’t expect anything, not resolution or even a reply. If you get one great, but don’t expect it. Keep talking about how you feel using those words exactly, “I feel…” You can also ask him for his help with this. Men love to help.

No matter what your man tells you, that he will stop etc., he probably won’t, and believe me when I say you would much rather have it out in the open than hidden from you. This creates secrets between you two, and SECRETS are DAMAGING. They will cause rifts between you.

You may never feel totally okay with porn, and that’s okay. You CAN come to a place where you are mostly okay with it, and you may even come to embrace it sometimes if this is what you want. You may not want this yet, but if you really love your man and he you, and this can have its place in your life with him as in not being a deal breaker, this is somewhere you may want to consider going. You will have to accept that porn is not going away, not likely.

Men are just wired differently than women. Men are far more visual than we in that they are far more easily aroused by visuals, and they enjoy being aroused.

There is a big difference in how they respond to visuals though as compared with women.

Most of us women, when we see someone who attracts us whether in a photo or on a computer, TV, or movie screen or in the flesh, are far more prone to go off into fantasies about this person. We very quickly create an emotional connection which can include all our senses in our imaginations.

Men on the other hand become briefly aroused, and that’s the end of it. He’s onto the next thing, a news article, business at hand, sports. The OBJECT of arousal is forgotten already.

We can linger with our memory of this person we saw briefly for hours, days, months even.

This is not so for men. Now I used the word object on purpose. If a man loves and is in love with his woman, someone to whom he is devoted, body, mind, heart, and soul, other women are simply that, objects of arousal. When he sees or thinks about his woman on the other hand, she is his FIGURE of DESIRE, a REAL life, three-dimensional woman, a figure he ADORES.

This will sound strange, but OTHER WOMAN ARE GOOD FOR  US. Other women keep our man’s juices flowing for US. Men can get quick buzzes of arousal, drops of hormones building throughout the day or a couple of days to bring to us, and thus they come to us with far greater desire. Other women fuel the fires of their lust for US. They do not want those other women. They want US.

Porn is a funny thing. Men are not so much programmed socially to look at porn, though that can certainly play a role, as men are hard-wired to look at women. It’s the biological spreading of the seed far and wide thing. In eras past men would act on this all the time, far more than now, for the most part. Nowadays men look at nudie pictures or video clips, movies. It doesn’t mean anything.

And it isn’t a boys will be boys thing. I hate hearing that. That’s a lame excuse for bad behavior, strip clubs as an example though some women see those as an extension of porn and not a threat, but for me this is too real and not okay. Men simply love to look at women. It makes them feel good, but again there is NO emotional context, connection, not even likely in their fantasies.

Of course your man wouldn’t have a problem with you looking at pictures of naked men and not because you probably wouldn’t be into it, and he knows it. It’s because his looking to him is no big deal, so in his mind your looking would also be no big deal. Now if you put pictures of you out there which to me is much more the equivalent of a man’s porn viewing habit, then that would be a big deal. Double standards indeed, but some things for the most part cannot be changed and just have to be accepted.

Please don’t make any quick decisions. Work on your own healing first. You will go up and down for awhile, and this is okay. It’s part of the process.

You do have to decide at some point though if you can learn to live with porn. If your man loves you, is attentive and loving towards you the vast majority of the time, what does it matter if he likes to warm himself up with porn, FOR YOU?

Now if it becomes something where he neglects you or gets himself off with porn more than with you, then you have cause for concern. My man very, very rarely goes all the way looking at porn. He would much rather save it for me, but he is also a little older and has slowed down some. So don’t worry or fret too much if your man does orgasm to it now and then.

If he has been backing away from sex but has been anxious and stressed, this will affect a man just as much as it affects us, and patience as well as an open heart would be the suggested medicine.

Men also like variety, and I use this term loosely. I too get easily “bored” probably far more than my man does. I like to spice things up. I love gorgeous lingerie, and so does my man, but honestly he’s more into just seeing my nakedness.

I also like to make naked pictures for him and short masturbation clips on the webcam which I will leave on the computer for him to find. Sometimes right before he comes home from work, I will wait for him in the bed or at the door all hot and ready for him.

He’s not into the dress up thing, but I think that would be fun to try. Nor does he like lap dancing or pole dancing, but many men do. It’s something to consider introducing into your sex life.

Most men love to watch us touch ourselves, so if you feel uncomfortable or shy touching yourself in front of him, start small. You will get over it eventually, especially when you see how much it turns him on. You HAVE to know that he WILL NOT notice the parts of you that you don’t like. He just sees the woman he loves and is hot for, and that’s all he sees, so please LET all of that GO.

Know that you CAN HEAL from this. It may take time, a little patience, but if your man is truly a good one, then it will be worth it.

That is a tough yet wonderful question.
When I look back to the time when I was struggling with the porn issue, wondering if this was something I could live with even if nothing ever changed around it, I had to ask myself this question.

I didn’t really sit down and analyze K’s character as in making lists of positives and negatives, nor did I run any of his character traits through my brain, yet in a way I did. Rather I must have, just not really as a conscious thing.

Maybe I should have done this, for it might have taken less time to sort myself out. Maybe it would have aided my process. Maybe it would have given me better direction. But chances are it wouldn’t have. Things take as long as they take. Processing has its own timetable, and this is different for everyone.

Much of my “thinking” about him and the decisions I made seem to have been more instinctive. It felt like it was something I just knew. I suppose I must have abstractly gone over in my head who he was to me, how he felt to me. I had known him three years at this point, so all the cards were on the table. I have said that it takes at least two years to really know someone, especially the older you are (more baggage) and preferably having lived with them for a good portion of that time.

In K’s case there were no other real red flags. There had been little things along the way that sorted themselves out, as we got to know each other better and learned how to live together, be together as a couple learning how to complement our styles. It’s a little like having growing pains. A learning curve in how best to mesh. There was nothing serious at all though, and for the most part all was going along as I wished it to, even more than I had dreamed in many areas.

Porn was the first thing to come up that really disturbed me. For a long while I thought about his habit A LOT. I felt I had to. For one I wanted to be clear, to be very sure he did not have an addiction, for I didn’t believe I had the strength to deal with an addict. I have high tolerance for a great deal, but my sometimes shaky sense of self then and maybe even now could not have withstood someone addicted to sex or porn or anything like this. Any of these would have instilled too great a fear of cheating in me. Just too great a fear, and fear feels awful.

Aside from his enjoyment of porn which for many women is so not a big deal, there were no other negatives in this man.

My “therapist” and mentor at the time who soon became a dear friend, held my hand closely through this painful part of my processing. And she kept asking me to ask myself if I thought I could live with this. She also asked me to consider if I was willing to give up all that was evidently so good in this man for a silly habit that had never interfered in our life together, not sexually, not in any way whatsoever.

It was obvious he loved me deeply/passionately, was very in lust with me, took very good care of me in many ways, looked out for me, always wanted to come home to me, has never wanted a boy’s night, preferring my company, my presence, has never been stingy or mean, has never lost his temper, has always been patient and calm, considerate and sweet.

He has always been warm, kind, and caring. He has always allowed me to be ME and loves every bit of ME, quirks and all, even when I’m being cranky which admittedly is not very often, and he especially adores my weirdness.

Of course all of of these qualities he has still apply if not more so now, and I’m sure there are more that I’ve unintentionally omitted. He is still as loving if not more so to this day, even has the words now, is deeply affectionate all the time, expressing this multiple times a day. He’s SO happy to come home to ME every night, more so than ever. And we have a beyond amazing sex life. He never neglects me in this or in anything else.

So of course the answer to her question was a resounding NO. And since porn viewing is SO prevalent, something almost every male of every age does, there was a very high probability that the next man I met would also be into it.

Try asking yourself this if you’re unsure. The thing or things that bother you about your man, are they big enough to give up all the rest that he has which is wonderful? Does the good far outweigh the not so good? Are his quirks actual deal breakers? These are serious questions, and not every one will have the same answers.

I’m sure there are women out there who might reject someone like a K for this. And sadly I might say, for they would miss out on SO much, and assuredly their insecurities which is what this comes down to will show up again in the same or similar form. One way or another they will have to confront them or remain miserable.

I worked deeply and intensely for over three years with this issue. I still have it come up for me now and then when my insecurities come to visit, but I recognize them for what they are and can dismiss them far more readily.

I decided and happily so, especially in retrospect, that it was up to me to deal with my out of proportion reaction to what is for all intents and purposes, in this case anyway, an innocuous act. Yes it was a struggle, and it took a long time, but I got through it because I knew in my heart of hearts that this man was worth it. WE were worth it.

xxoo

I made it, all the way across the country. What an exhilarating, challenging, fun, and incredibly beautiful experience. This country doesn’t seem so big anymore. The days were grueling at times, ten hours and more a day of driving, but the growth it allowed me, the expansion of my soul was daunting and fabulous all at once.

I did have the opportunity and the joy in delighting in an amazingly wonderful one day stop about halfway to meet up with a friend I met online, another blogger. We had the best time, talking for hours and hours. The conversation never lagged. We learned so much and not only about each other, life, ourselves in a new light. It was an incredible time. I hope to be able to do it again, and soon.

Now I’m here. It’s more than lovely. I’ve missed the beauty of the east coast, the lush greenness, the wildness, the small town country feel in a city, the old, quaint houses, the smell, spectacular summer thunderstorms and their accompanying rainbows that fill the sky from end to end.

But I miss my old life, my friends, my work, my ballet, my daily life. It hasn’t taken long for the loneliness to set in, the restlessness, the FEAR. And it didn’t take long for me to have a baby meltdown.

Where does my little brain go when it stressed, frightened? To the familiar. It picks off the scab from that deep, ancient wound for which I have no name, and it manifests in the reemergence of fear around porn whether it really exists or not. It’s all MADE UP. No matter what he is or isn’t doing with porn, whatever role porn plays in his life it has no resemblance to what I create. This is my trigger, so this is where I go.

I had nowhere else to turn but to K, and he had told me that if ever I’m feeling badly about it or need reassurance that I could come to him, so I did. It did not go well. I said all the right things. I spoke from my scared little heart. I voiced it all in feeling messages, but it was not well received. Maybe it was just poor timing. Maybe I hadn’t really spoken from a clean place. Maybe I was being needy and clingy. It doesn’t matter. And it also doesn’t matter how the other person responds or if he responds at all when you speak in this way. Well I didn’t take my own advice. I faltered. And this is okay. In retrospect.

The message will get through anyway. Even when a speech goes badly, the message DOES get through. Remember this when your feelings messages SEEM as though they were not heard or were rejected. He will take what you said as long as they were spoken from your heart and not your head, ie. feeling messages, and process it, own it even. You will probably never hear a word about this from him, and PLEASE don’t ask, but he will feel you and your pain. And this will show up in other ways, likely indirectly as men are wont to behave. And this is BEAUTIFUL. Pay attention. His hearing you WILL show up.

Remember too that your trigger is his trigger, especially if you’ve been together a long time and are deeply intimate. You’ve come together to heal each other, so your trigger will trigger his stuff. This is why sometimes your “speeches” don’t seem to go well. It’s just too close to home or the heart.

Needless to say I felt as though I had ruined everything. Everything had been feeling SO nice. He was so excited to be with me again after our month plus separation. He was SO loving and way into me in all ways, even more so than he usually is. So I just had to go and mess it all up, spoil everything.

This was and is silly thinking. You can NEVER mess anything up. Even if you blow your top and use only YOU statements, and he retreats for a week. you still can’t mess things up. You can always say here, “Wow, I really wish I hadn’t said anything at all. I’m feeling so embarrassed right now,” or something like that. And then let it all go, as best as you can of course. You will likely still carry residue of the “talk” not having gone well as well as the original hurt.

Know this, and this is important. Whenever you revisit those old pains, the old triggers, it’s really something else going on. When you are stressed, feeling shaky, when you hurt, when you are faced with SOMETHING NEW and daunting, you WILL as did I revisit the place that triggers you the most, again whether it’s real or not.

In this case I was feeling vulnerable, feeling as though I had been yanked from everything I know, familiar surroundings, the daily life I had created. I was already feeling lonely and a little bored, and most importantly scared of this big unknown.

Yes I have somewhat of a plan, but the fear is there nonetheless. When I think of looking for a job, I’m filled with all kinds of ick. I haven’t had to do that for a long time and have no clue how or even what I would like to do. And the east coast is not at all like the west. It has a very country feel with little stores clustered in corners here and there. There are no coffee shops to sit in as in LA and pick up a conversation with a stranger, network maybe, not really. And driving around here is frightening, narrow, winding roads that twist around themselves, street signs so hard to see and read; it’s so easy to get lost.

So therein sat my real issue. It wasn’t the porn though it may have looked and felt like that. Porn in my case is not a threat. It’s my friend, but when fear sets in, suddenly it becomes my enemy. I was not “perfect” in how I handled the manifestation of my fear. I “should” have known it was not really porn that was upsetting me but something else altogether, yet I too fall down from time to time in this, on my journey as an angel goddess, as do all of us, as will you. As perfect as we are in our imperfections, we still feel badly about our mistakes, or I should say our perceived mistakes. Nothing is really an error. It’s all a learning experience. It’s all messages. It’s all OKAY. Recognize it for what is, HUMANNESS, and move on.

Remember this as well. Men tend not to hold onto things as we women do. It didn’t even take overnight for K to behave as though nothing had ever happened.

Because your man enjoys porn, do you feel that his looking is a reflection on you? Do you think that you must not turn him on anymore? Do you feel that he must be tired of looking at the same old you everyday and each time you have sex with him? Do you think that he needs to look at others for a rush of arousal before he can be with you, for you must not give him that rush anymore? Do you feel that somehow, in some way you must not be good enough? Do you think that you must not measure up?

Well as difficult as this might be to wrap your brain around I’m here to tell you that all of these thoughts and feelings are lies.You most certainly do turn him on and far more deeply and on all levels than any two-dimensional representation ever could. They may make his peepee twitch, but you make his whole body dance, peepee, brain, heart, and soul included.

It’s hard for us as women to really grasp this concept, but men love to look at women, especially unclothed. It excites them, keeps their juices flowing, for YOU. Many men like the extra stimulation maybe even need it too sometimes, especially as they age and especially if your libido is higher than his.

We, as women often need and like extra stimulation, but usually we find it in other ways, via men we see when were out and about (very much like what men do) or erotic stories or just through our very active imaginations. As a warm up for sex, most women prefer a long foreplay. We love to close our eyes and absorb it all, all the sensations, physically, emotionally. We usually prefer lots of genital stimulation to remain aroused and to reach climax. Men too need the genital stimulation, but they rely on the visual, far more than we. They love to look at you, your parts, your face expressing pleasure, ecstasy, your joy.

So please, whenever those thoughts come to visit, all those I’m just not enough physically and sexually, remind yourself how goddess like you are no matter what your age and/or body type. Your goddess energy is a given as a woman. All you need do is call on her, and she will come. She will imbue you with all the sensuousness and sexuality you can imagine and maybe even then some. Remember that the pictures or movies and all those other beautiful women out there only make him want you more, appreciate you more, want to love you and make love to you more. It’s a small shift in your consciousness but a huge one in the energy you will vibrate.