Sex and HeartHow I transformed devastation into love and loving lust

Energies between two people who have a deep connection can be palpable, and they can be felt from afar, very, very far. It’s more evident the more intimate and passionate they are with one another, the more intense are their feelings for one another.

And it just seems to be one of those unexplainable things. An it just is kind of thing. You could imagine this as a cord between them that cannot be severed until it is, purposefully.

To someone whose senses are not well attuned, one who is less in touch with the nuances within, less aware of subtleties, the feeling of this bond may not be consciously known, but felt it is.  It could be as a feel different feeling, a sense of foreboding if something is amiss, a sense of unease maybe, or a sense of well being if the individual is being thought of lovingly, especially if it’s a beloved, a big smile appearing on his/her face from seemingly nowhere.

Those more in tune and aware can feel them almost as strongly as if the person were right there in front of them, speaking to them, touching them, often knowing full well from where these sensations come.

It can very well be as a you suddenly sit up and feel something intensely, especially if trauma has been inflicted on the person with whom you are thus bonded. You can suddenly feel a chill, or a scary image can cross your consciousness, or you just know with all you have that something is wrong.

It can also be an amazing feel good feeling, especially if the one with whom you are so connected is filling up with love and warmth for you. This can be felt as a rush of heat, as a hug, as a flush of something like orgasm.

This feel good warmth can instill an instantaneous rush of yumminess, and when you are in the midst of feeling this, you will feel as though all is right within yourself and with your world.

To those whose senses are this keen, I suggest keeping your energy high and feeling good to YOU as much as you can, especially if your relationship has been faltering. Every now and then consciously direct an open and loving heart towards your partner.

If things are a bit strained between you, it will soothe the tension. If all is well between you, it will make for a less stressful day for the recipient of this energy, maybe even turn a not so great day into a much nicer one. And of course you will feel more wonderful all day too.

You may think that this could feel artificial or that this could be inauthentic, but feeling happy is a choice. A moment by moment one to be sure but a choice nonetheless. I have written about this before.  http://sexandheart.com/wordpress/?p=389

Allow me to show you how this can play out. For example when K is at work, I know he can feel the pressures that a work environment can bring, especially in a corporate environment. He dislikes the corporate mentality, but he loves what he does, so he has had to work to make this work for him, and he’s done very well doing so. But things can and do get to him at times.

I also know that when I fill myself up with love for him whether it be consciously or otherwise, it most definitely eases his day, lifts his load and his mood. He feels something warm and fuzzy; he feels love; he feels loved by me even through the irritations that may accrue.

The bad feelings things of course convey as well if not more so. If you remember last July when my car rolled as a result of a bad tire which blew on the freeway, K sensed something. He may not have felt something was amiss necessarily, for he doesn’t work with these kind of thoughts as much as I do, but he felt a sense of something not being right. So when he received “that” phone call from the officer who called him from my cell and fortunately so, for K wouldn’t have answered otherwise, his feelings were confirmed.

K is not as conscious of these energies as I, so he may dismiss them, but that’s okay. I feel really good knowing that I can still send loving good feeling feelings to him, maybe even sexy ones, and he feels it regardless if he know he feels it, and so he has a much lovelier day because if it.

I truly believe that in part, he so looks forward to seeing me every evening because of this, even if he has no clue about any of this within himself. Again it just is.

This can also work, fortunately or not so, with those with whom you had connection in the past, positively or negatively, especially if you carry unresolved emotions around this person or better said, unhealed parts of you in association with this person. I warn you this usually feels bad.

Ultimately it’s a good thing if you are open to it, for it prompts you to look into ignored or neglected parts of you or parts of which maybe you were truly unaware. In retrospect you can recognize they were there all along, for they maybe showed up in other ways, physically, such as an aching tummy or frequent headaches, emotionally, such as unexplained angst or crankiness and not due to hormonal shifts, and spiritually, such as in a feeling of disconnection from yourself or your loved ones.

Let me give you an example of this completely different scenario.

I haven’t thought about nor talked about my ex let alone heard from him in years. He pops up in my dreams every now and then which I find greatly disturbing, and this tells me not so much that I haven’t closed that chapter with him, but that I haven’t healed the wounds completely that I brought from that relationship. And this can feel frustrating, for I work so hard on all of this.

A few weekends ago while visiting my dad, his wife out of nowhere mentions him, the ex. Come Monday wouldn’t you know I have communication from him. I legally changed my last name four years ago about which he would have had no knowledge, and my e-mail address has changed twice since we split. I have no idea how he found me, and yes this feels creepy if not a little scary.

He contacted me out of the blue for reasons all his own, but I also believe he unconsciously felt the shifts in me which included a more complete severing of the bond that once was.

This made me see that though indeed I have done some big healing around him and whatever it was I held within while with him, including the hurt I allowed to be inflicted, MOST importantly this serves as a reminder. It shows me more concretely the additional work I need to do. Though this knowledge has distressed me, I am grateful for the sign. You could call this a universal message.

To be repeatedly reminded that there’s more to do can be painful, but then again it’s a good thing to know that I have the ability to receive these universal post it notes and that I’m open to dealing with them.

And it feels REALLY good knowing that that my capacity to heal and to fill myself with even MORE LOVE expands exponentially the more I heal. My heart is apparently boundless, limitless. This can’t but be a WONDERFUL thing.

And all of this can only make my connection with my beloved even more profound.

xxoo

I dedicate this piece to Maria who was my inspiration, and to Daria who was apparently being channeled through us both, for she is the QUEEN genius of these feeling speeches.

Yup, I DO feel cold but only in response to and around THAT man, that sad man. I LOVE my coldness towards him. AND I deserve to FEEL it because it keeps me safe from him.

My feeling cold towards him feels GOOD because it lets me know I care nothing for him.

AND it shows me how WARM and filled with love I feel being with the RIGHT man, my K, and how f-king HOT and HORNY and SEXY and SENSUAL I feel with HIM. And how safe and CHERISHED and adored I feel with HIM.

I do feel sad for poor, poor sad man. But I also feel dismissive of him and what feels to me as his manipulative games, and it feels good to dismiss him no matter how angry and nasty he can be.

Thinking about him makes me feel icky and teary, but that’s good because it helps me see how FABULOUSLY my life has blossomed without him – how grateful I feel for this – how thankful I feel that he set me free.

For I feel SO AMAZINGLY good now in my hot, sexy life with my hot sexy man. I feel SO HAPPY. YAAAYYYYY ME!!!

xxoo

How do you offer advice to your man?

You don’t. Unless he asks.

What do you do when you know you have a really good idea, something that will undoubtedly help your man with a problem he’s wrestling with?

You keep quiet. Unless he asks.

And even when he does ask, I suggest exercising caution in your word choice, as in, “what do you think about this….?” or “I have a thought. Would you like to hear it?”

I understand how frustrating this can be, feeling like you can help, thinking you have the solution, knowing how efficiently and easily your way would be, but this IS NOT your department, to fix things for him. To continue on this route will shift the energy between you. If he’s a masculine energy man, this will feel in a sense to him as emasculating. It’s you taking up the oars and rowing the boat, not something you want to do if you want to be the feminine energy in your relationship.

This isn’t an easy thing for many women, especially if you have had previous experience, feel qualified, are an expert even with a particular thing or issue he may be dealing with. But unless he requests it, unsolicited advice is not usually well received.

Even if he asks you for help and then dismisses or ignores your suggestions, but then he goes ahead and does what you advised anyway without acknowledgment, please refrain from saying anything.

Even if you find out later that someone else offered the same advice you would have had he asked, and he followed it, please bite your tongue.

Yes it can be irritating; yes it can hurt, but it’s a small thing really. You CAN learn to smile to yourself and accept that yes you know the answers, knew them all along, and that can be enough. You can learn to take comfort in this, have peace around that thought. You can also learn to tell yourself, and believe me when I say that this IS likely TRUE, that somewhere within himself, your man knows you know, and in his own seemingly strange way has said thank you by doing it your way after all.

It’s HIS job to fix things, so let him do it his way in his own way on his own time table, even if they are sometimes your ideas.

Men like to figure things out for themselves. It’s part of their masculine energy, searching for answers, being on a mission. And it makes them feel good. And I strongly believe that there is a part of him that seeks your approval in this.

I do suggest melting after the fact, telling him how amazing he is. This will make him feel really good. AND this will make YOU feel good. Isn’t that worth it? More so than being right?

There have been times when I have felt dismissed, unimportant, stupid even when offering potential solutions to K’s problems, but it was never any of  that. And now I know this and don’t have to feel badly. It’s just how men are usually.

I understand this may a difficult thing to take sometimes, but that’s just how it is. You must learn to remain quiet when you observe him struggling with something you know everything about or even a little. It does gets easier, and once you accustom, it can be rather entertaining in a sweet, endearing sort of way.

No on the other side of this, let’s say your man offers you unsolicited opinions on something of yours. Sometimes he will come up with a brilliant idea, and then you can praise him to the skies, tell him what an excellent mind he has, what a great help he has been, how he saved you. This too will make him feel SO good. And YOU too.

Or maybe he offers an idea that doesn’t sit well with you. It could just not be YOUR way of doing things. Maybe you know a better way, a more efficient way, or just a way that fits your personality more neatly. Sometimes you know it just won’t work for you at all. Or it could just be a really bad idea. Whatever it is, smile, open your heart to him, and say thank you, and then go do it your way anyway.

If you have chosen this option and gone ahead and done something totally different, he will likely have forgotten all about it anyway, so not to worry.

I have noticed too that the more I have kept my mouth shut, the more he has come to me asking for my thoughts, opinions. Not a surprising shift really.

All of this may sound like men have such fragile egos, and we need to tread so carefully. This is not what I want you to take away from this. What I want to say is that we ALL have fragile egos. And we all love praise, support, and love. Men and women just have different ways of showing these things.

So if it means swallowing your pride every now and then, is that such a bad thing? You may just find him holding you closely, soothingly just as you love and want when you are having a hormonal meltdown. That’s not such a bad trade off.

xxoo tinque

Attack from the blue can be a strange and uncomfortable experience. Confusing. Disconcerting. Upsetting.

Has this ever happened to you? You are carefully, mindfully with as much care and concern as you can muster in the moment, and it is genuine, offering support or comfort to someone in pain, when out of seemingly nowhere, this person launches an attack. The more you attempt to explain yourself or soothe this person, the harder he/she comes at you it seems.

I had to really ponder this one, ask myself what this could possibly be. Where does it come from? Why? I can understand it if there was underlying malicious intent or maybe some negative thoughts, possibly conscious or unconscious judgments behind my words of encouragement, but when sincerity and grace are the essence? It seems not to make sense.

Yet we are all products of our pasts. For instance if nearly every time someone was offered kind words, especially when young and vulnerable, and these words were repeatedly and rudely retracted then similar feeling words could set off warning bells when someone even hints at tendering a kind word even if truly spoken.

Or if behind a seemingly caring smile and sweet words, lies lay lurking, then this person may have developed a sense of mistrust of anyone offering solace. Or if this person has been at the receiving end of broken trust from the mouth of a benevolent seeming figure, any similar situation will be cause for alarm, and the fur will bristle, the claws will be extended, the fangs bared, the walls will go up, and the ammunition raised. And this all can happen very quickly ANYTIME someone offers loving support.

Pretty much nothing you can say to this person no matter how lovingly presented will resonate with their bruised and damaged being. It may only fuel the fire more.

If it is you who is under this sort of attack, you must with all you have maintain calm, and keep your heart as open as possible even though you’re hurting now too, feeling slighted, abused even. Your every instinct might scream at you to attack right back. But please don’t. The only thing to do in this situation is to breathe deeply, back off, and leave it be.

But what if you are one of these people who tend to attack, or just feel like you want to, your every fiber feeling threatened even though it’s really love that’s being given? How can you heal this?

Knowing that you can be triggered in this way is a start and the biggest piece of this. Looking for habitual patterns within yourself is another. Desire to more realistically realign your responses is yet another piece.

Now when this situation next arises, take a really good look at the person who seems to be the cause of your feelings. Has this person consistently been a figure of love and support? If yes then you must go inside as deeply as you can, and discover what is it that triggers this response in you. Bit by bit work to relinquish its hold on you.

Always taking a look at yourself first is a good idea anyway whenever you feel triggered whether you react this dramatically or not, for the world IS our mirror. Chances are what is triggering you is your projection, you pasting your apprehensions and fears onto this person in front of you, and this poor person is completely innocent.

Whenever someone summons a strong negative response within me, I look within to see if this is something within me that I dislike. Or is it something from my past that has nothing to do with what’s at hand, but somehow it’s reminiscent, and it’s triggering this incongruous response. Or it could be very real, and it’s your instincts at play though that’s subject for another discussion.

People who lash out are inevitably in pain. As much as they may initially arouse pain and/or anger inside you, it’s very helpful to recognize their reactions have little if anything to do with you. Knowing this will help calm the desire to strike back.

This is a good time to practice opening your heart to them even more as difficult as this may be. NO ONE is a write off. NO ONE. We are all struggling. We are all on our paths, working through our lessons at our own paces. We are all flawed. And we are all beautiful in our imperfections.

Underneath all the “stuff” there really is love. In love there is compassion. I encourage you to find yours which will inspire others to do the same.

xxoo

“I was reading sections of your book again. I can’t read it all at once because there is so much feeling and emotion in it, and it speaks to me in ways no other book ever has. So I read a bit here and a bit there and then digest that so to speak and try to feel out how it would work for me.

The one thing that really struck me is the fact that you actually opened up and went where he was going. Those porn sites. Opened yourself up to it and at the same time to him. So it is not all about leaning back to get what you want, sometimes it is stepping up and forward to be a part of what he is and wants. Or am I seeing that wrong?

It is of course something that you did for yourself. explored and discovered, but I am wondering if what he did had not triggered you in that way and you had not done what you did – would you be where you are today with yourself and with your relationship?

You did that for yourself but didn’t you also do it for the relationship because he was worth it? You together were worth it”

Okay. This is important and needs clarification, firstly what I did back then and also to demonstrate the subtleties which can arise when you are working on leaning back. I understand where you might see this as me leaning forward, but I did not step forward to be a part of him, in other words to change myself to please him, nor did I do this thinking this would be what HE wants. He didn’t ask me to share any of this with him. This would likely have never occurred to him. He DID NOT ask me to participate. I don’t believe he even secretly wished for this.

The unspoken was for me to accept him for who he is, to TRUST him in his love for me, to accept that what he does has no bearing on his feelings for me, not his love nor his lust, that it’s absolutely not a reflection on me whatsoever. He may have had a habit, but he did not have an addiction.

I could not accept all of this at face value though. Many women can but not me. When I don’t “get” something, I have a need to understand, to feel what a person feels and think how they think as closely as possible. In this case the only way I could come up with to delve into K’s his mind and his heart in order to reach an understanding within myself was to immerse myself in his behavior.

Eventually there came a time where I felt compelled to ask for a front row seat right up close and personal, i.e. ask to share it with him that I may see for myself how innocuous it is for him with my own eyes and to also feel this with my entire body.

He had no idea what I was doing for a long time. He had no idea about the work I was doing on myself. He did not know I was exploring porn for myself, but this exploration was not necessarily as a form of entertainment. It was a means to an end, a way of overcoming a deeper fear. This was the only way I felt I could truly meet the fears that porn aroused in me, head on. He had no clue until the day I asked him to show me what he does.

I had a huge resistance to and fear of porn. But why you might ask. I don’t know, and it really doesn’t matter. What does matter is that his porn habit was a trigger for much more important issues inside ME, things I may have not been aware of or if I was, I had up until then, ignored them or pushed them away.

This alone would have been cause for me to look at and explore this dramatic reaction within me complete with intense obsessive thoughts. I was clear that this was something I needed to address inside myself. It meant something much deeper was happening in ME, something having nothing to do with porn.

Delving into porn really came about because the revelation that the enjoyment he derived by looking at it brought me to a place where I had to decide if this was a deal breaker. I had to ask myself, was this thing he did which was a habit and not an addiction, for it did not interfere in our love life, our life as a couple, nor with his own life, something that I absolutely could not live with?

I had to ask myself if all the other really wonderful stuff worth rejecting over this, a silly habit? Was this man, this relationship worth it to me?

Somewhere inside me I knew this was a very special man, special enough to for me to finally deal with my stuff. Yes he was someone worth it enough for me to do this work. If he hadn’t been, then maybe I wouldn’t have braved the elements inside me. For if I had not faced my fears which were not porn but what this triggered in me, then likely we would not still be together and if we were, it definitely would not be the intense passionate, deeply intimate bond we now have.

So not only was there more going on here aside from the porn, I also had something at stake, this relationship. This man who in every other way was a perfect fit, a soul mate if you will, was yes in a sense the impetus, but he was never the instigator.

This was really about me and for me. I had deep issues that had been plaguing me for much of my life. I had never felt good or comfortable inside myself let alone around men. I had always wanted a REAL relationship with a man, and I also wanted a happy relationship with myself. But my fears seemed to prevent me from digging down as deeply as I would have to do to get what I wanted. It took this, something that shook me to the core, but I didn’t do it for anyone else but me.

Sure I hoped he would respond positively. Sure I wished his habits would change too. But my goal was get to a place where whatever happened, I would be okay.

So I wasn’t leaning forward at all. I was in fact leaning back. I was taking care of me.

So though it might look like I was leaning forward to become part of his world in this, I was actually leaning back to take care of my heart and my spirit and my body too, for the only possibility for me in coming to accept if not embrace this “thing” and thus all of K, not just pieces of him, was to grab the bull by the horns so to speak. I had to immerse myself in this “thing” FOR ME, so that I could see for myself how not a threat it is to me. I did it to heal a piece of me.

And as result of my healing I inspired some healing within him which included new thoughts and feelings around porn but more importantly his own heart and spirit and how that relates to us.

As I have said, love brings up anything unlike itself to be healed. The world and especially intimate relationships are a reflection.

xxoo