why men fall out of love

Why  do men fall out of love?

You would think the answer to this question would be simple, maybe even obvious, but when I reach for a response, I come up with nothing. Yet I also come up with many thoughts and ideas, not one of them being an easy or straightforward reason though.

And the more I grasp for a definitive answer, the more I keep thinking what a loaded and complex topic this really is.

There are several reasons you might come up with right away, but these first response reasons seem trivial. I think of them as more of an avoidance of the real issue reasons.

So after some pondering, I’ve come to the conclusion that there are only two valid reasons.

The most obvious to me reason, the most natural, clean reason that a man would fall out of love is if you both find yourself growing in different directions.

And if this happens, you will be feeling the same way as he, so this isn’t necessarily such a bad feeling thing; it wouldn’t feel like a negative. It may hurt, yet you will likely be parting ways amicably. It will be a mutual feeling of having to move on. This is a good thing for you both.

What I think is a more critical reason and one which can be multi-faceted, is one which would appear on the surface to be so not okay reasons, but when you dig down and uncover what lies beneath the layers, it’s not as superficial nor as one-dimensional as it appears at first glance.

I have heard this reason so much and from so many different venues, and it really makes me feel cringey to write it, BUT when you look at this more carefully, when you get to the heart of what’s REALLY going on, it has great validity.

When a woman lets herself go, her man will fall out of love with her, be turned off by her, will start to have a wandering eye, maybe wandering hands and peepee parts too.

I can hear your outrage from here. How could a man leave his woman because she gained some weight for instance or become a little soft around the middle or stopped eating well or stopped doing her hair, nails, or make up? Love is blind isn’t it?

Hold these thoughts for a moment.

Yes – I agree that your man “should” continue to love you regardless of what you look like. Looks are going to fade anyway.

BUT letting yourself go in this way, is really a HUGE indicator of something else altogether, something more profound, something lying buried underneath the exterior part of you.

And this is the real reason why a man would leave.

YOU are in effect actually not caring about or for YOU. This goes beyond not taking caring of yourself which is not good for you on any level all by itself. Letting yourself go like this has spilled over into treating yourself as if you don’t matter. And this tells him you are not loving on YOU. YOU do not LOVE YOU.

This work which you have been doing on yourself with support from me and likely others too, this wonderful, deep and sometimes painful work you’ve been doing within yourself, is about learning to LOVE YOU SO MUCH, you will not allow someone to treat you poorly. If you have let yourself go, you are treating YOU really, really poorly, likely worse than you would ever treat another.

In a word, if you are not loving you, it would be quite the task for another to love you. Another person can only love you as deeply as you love yourself.

So it’s not about the weight gain or the letting your muscles turn to mush or acting in unhealthy ways or not dressing nicely anymore or not fixing yourself up a little. It’s about losing interest in yourself and your well being; it’s about not having your own best interests at heart.

And this closes off all the good stuff you really want, the fun, the happiness, peace, and LOVE.

So you might ask, isn’t it his responsibility to boost you up? Make you feel better about yourself? Encourage you. Suggest getting the help you might need?

Well…not really. If you are having a problem and feel unable to cope alone, then maybe yes. And I would hope that you would talk with your man about it. If your man is hesitant in stepping up and stepping in (some men can be), then you MUST ask for his help.

(I don’t want you to expect anything though. Expectations lead to disappointment every time. For what you receive will never look like or live up to what you have created in your head. Being open to surprise and what is will lead to joy every time. Being in awe.)

If you are stuck in a “love me as I am” mode, i.e. denying that there is something wrong, he will very likely feel rejected, abandoned even. The relationship could very well be reconsidered at this point as well it ought to be. To carry on like this is taking on the role of an enabler,  and this IS NOT a loving act for you or your partner.

Most of this is really your job though. It’s up to you to take care of you. Unless you are physically unable. (Physical illness is not really what I’m talking about here though.)

When it comes to your healing, your work, your path, this is YOUR STUFF to deal with and work on. It’s NOT for him to take up the reins for you.

Indeed change is inevitable, in life in general but also within yourself and within the relationship. I would hope we are all changing, growing, deepening, blossoming.

If the changes are not for the better, then it could be difficult to remain feeling okay with the relationship, but I would then refer you back to what I was just talking about.

Letting yourself go = faltering on the path to greater healing.

Any other reason you or I may have heard are simply excuses, for bad behavior, for copping out, for laziness, for pushing blame, all of which are really about avoiding working on deep inner self, on healing, facing the fears we all have inside.

As for growing older, looks fading, we all age. We all will be changing in ways some may find unattractive. This is a different aspect altogether. And I’m sure you’ve all heard of the cliché situation where an aging man will leave his equally aging wife for a younger woman.

BUT a good man DOES NOT work this way. He may not exactly see the young woman you once were, but in a way yes he will. You are still his beloved. And because you still take really, really god care of YOU, you can still be stunningly gorgeous to him despite or maybe even in spite of the not so youthful face and figure. This won’t even register for him, for there is still that beautiful open heart for him to fall into and love and continue to heal through. You are still exquisite to him. And isn’t that what’s important?

xxoo

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17 Responses to why men fall out of love

  1. Jilly says:

    Dominique…I loved this!!! It is so true…and even for men too, who let themselves go. My brother and his wife are really struggling with this right now. Actually he’s getting back in shape and she makes comments about how he’s going to leave her for somebody cute and skinny. yikes!! But she wants to get back to where she was and is having a hard time…but I can see how it effects their relationship..at the moment he just wants her to be happy atleast..but she WANTS him to take up the reins like you said above…k I rambled a bit :)

  2. Dominique says:

    Hey Jilly – Feel so happy to see you here. It feels good to hear you get this. Like I said, not always so cut and dried as it would appear on the surface.

    By the way, you can ramble as much as you want, anytime you want. :)

    xxoo

  3. veronika says:

    oh, this feels so familiar! several years I got into a state where I felt like I could not care less about anything, and at that point friendships faded, my relationship broke…
    A while later, when I got myself back on track again I realized how people reacted in a different way to me, and it does not have to do with whether you do your hair (the quality of your hair shows how you feel about yourself), wear makeup (your skin also shows) etc.

  4. Dominique says:

    Yes Veronika, yes exactly. It was how you felt about YOU, and others can feel this.

    I feel happy you came back from this and are the lovely woman you are now.

    xxoo

  5. Samantha says:

    Hello Dominique and ladies,

    Please help, I feel so confused and hurt right now… I have been with this man for 2.5 yrs. Of course, it was wonderful at first. Then we went through a really bad time, I became lost in the relationship, trying to make him happy, neglecting myself. Then I found Rori, and ordered the ebook. I began to think of all of the things I did differently when the relationship was good. I gained back my self esteem, put myself first, and practice feeling messages. We live together, so I did not “date” anyone else, but I dated myself and flirted with other men. After all of this, our relationship made a huge turnaround and our relationship has been great, better than anything I have ever experienced. We talk all of the time, about anything and everything, I feel so connected to him and have even begun to get to know him better since he has felt safe opening up. We have even been talking a lot about marriage (!!!). The sex has been amazing, constant affection, adoration, and compliments. I could not ask for more. Until…..Sunday I was in a pretty scary car accident and was majorly shook up. I told him I felt terrified, unnerved. I just knew he would comfort me….but he didn’t. And then he did not help in finding a place to fix my car, or cover my window with plastic, and I asked him to help me get new tires ( I have needed for while, and is probably why I slid on ice to have an accident). I said “Ok, I am really scared to drive without new tires now and I don’t think I was clear before, but I would like your help in getting them”. He proceeded to “instruct” me on what to do, what to tell the tire salesperson… I said ” that sounds complicated and I do not feel comfortable going to a mechanic alone, since I am a girl.” He said “it’ not hard”. I was stunned, I felt belittled, dismissed, uncared for, angry…. I told him I would take care of it myself and walked away, in fear I would blow up right then. But my angrer kept eating at me and grew stronger, and I did blow up later. I tried started with feeling messages ” I feel alone and confused” but it was like he didn’t care. It made me even more angry because I was so hurt that this man I felt so connected to, was like a stranger to me at that moment. I started blaming and using “you” statements. I know I was wrong, and I know I made a mistake by even predicting his part, but there was no doubt that he would WANT to help me, and here he was not caring. This was Sunday and today is Wednesday and I am still angry and we are still fighting and yes I have taken care of the car myself. There has been no connection, kind words, affection, apologies from either of us. I keep trying to go back to the feeling messages, but I am Pissed with a capital P. Part of me says I don’t want a man that I cannot count on when I need him, and he cannot undo this damage and neither can I. The other part says we have such a great relationship that I don’t want one thing to ruin it. But now I am scared that I will be alone any time I need help. I don’t know what to do….I feel so sad, angry, HURT, disappointed, CONFUSED, alone, lonely, frustrated……all bad. I posted this on Rori’s blog as well, as you may have seen. I feel so lost, I need all the advice I can get. I also read in this blog about men stepping up when you need help, and about having expectations. That’s what made me think to post……I didn’t mean to “expect” him to help me, I just didn’t doubt that he would when I asked him to. Also, I feel I should be able to expect him to help when I ask. Is this wrong? My heart aches so much over this… thank you for your time.

    Samantha

  6. Im1HappyGirl says:

    Samantha,

    I would never dare to imagine that I could give you advice. I can only tell you about my situation.

    My guy rides dirt bikes. More than anything he wanted to share this experience and his passion for his sport with me. When I took an interest he bought me a dirt bike. I need to mention I am 45 yrs old learning to ride a dirt bike. Not knowing what I was in for, I began riding and took a horendous spill. I ended flat on my back and the handlebars found their way into my helmet and were shoved into my face. Yes it hurt as bad as it sounds. I expected my guy to scoop me up and try to protect me…much to my astonishment it didn’t happen. He said “Get up you are fine, it is all part of learning. Now get on the bike and we will ride back to the truck”. I was flaberghasted! I was shaking and scared half to death. My face hurt and I was very winded. I was shaking the whole ride back. I was mortified that he didn’t baby me when I was hurt and scared. I was so hurt and angry with him for a few days.

    Then by a small bit of luck I over heard him tell his best friend I had taken a spill. He described it just as it happened and a bit more vividly. He told him how scared he was and how afraid he was that he could have lost me on that one fall. He said all he could do was get tough with me and pass it off like it was nothing because he was so scared of what happened and what could have happened.

    Maybe that is just your man’s way of dealing with it. Maybe he has to make it seem like it wasn’t a big deal so he can deal with what happened.

    It is no excuse for lack of empathy, but maybe he can’t show it to you until he gets a grasp on what happened. Now when my guy tells the story he grabs me and he isn’t afraid to tell others how bad the fall was and that I could have been really hurt. I can see the empathy in his eyes now. Maybe I am making excuses, but guys are not motherly like we are and my guy is the farthest from that. I do know that when I battled with cancer he acted the same way. He wasn’t cold but he wasn’t overly empathetic either. He tried to do his best when I was sick but sometimes it was too much and when I wanted him to stay, he had to leave. He wasn’t rough but he didn’t hold me and coddle me like I wanted. When we talk about me being sick with others or other people bring it up, he is very quick to say “Yeah but she’s fine now”.

    Maybe Dominque can tell me if I am just making excuses but I think for some men the nurturing we need is very un-natural for them and they try to do what they can…kinda telling you to “man up” because you are fine. Sounds silly but when it came out later that he was really scared I was shocked because I would have never know it by his reaction that day!

  7. Dominique says:

    Samantha – I feel so sorry for your confusion and anger which to me speaks of deep hurt, maybe feelings of abandonment when you really felt you needed him to step up for you.

    As this is an anomaly in a sea of mostly really good stuff, I would suggest letting it go. I understand you feel disappointed and hurt. I understand you feel let down. And this is definitely something to watch for in the future. It is a potential red flag.

    But for now, give him the benefit of the doubt. There could be something deeper going on for him. Maybe this triggers some painful memories for him which you know nothing about. Maybe even he isn’t completely aware of this in him.

    Or maybe he responded as some men will. My K behaved similarly when I was in a serious accident. A man can see that you are not seriously hurt, i.e. no broken bones or internal injuries. You may be hurting really badly. You may be frightened, but you are not seriously hurt. So he behaves as he would if he were in this situation. Move on.

    K did help me out some since I had some visible and painful injuries, BUT like you, I felt let down that he wasn’t taking better care of me. Most men won’t though. And I was left to pack up the house, still hurting, alone, because we were moving cross country, and he had to leave first. It felt to me as though I had been abandoned too. I needed help, and none was forthcoming.

    BUT I knew he cared. I knew he felt concern. He’s just not one to show it much. He’s not one to fawn or make a big deal out of things.

    I do feel some concern that he refused to help you with the car repairs. Again something to watch for, but it may also be part of a deeper, more complicate trigger/issue.

    Please try to feel good that you weren’t injured, and please try to let go of your anger. It’s only going to hurt you.

    And from here, we just have to see how he behaves when the chips are down in the future. Like I said, potential red flag, but maybe it’s simply a quirk of his personality. No one is perfect, and if he’s amazing in every other way, then this might be something you will just have to accept in him. Unless you decide it’s a deal breaker.

    xxoo

  8. Dominique says:

    Im1HappyGirl – Bingo…There it is again. You see Samantha, men do tend to be this way. It’s not that they don’t care. They do. They just show it in different ways. He can’t be falling apart on you either, making a big deal. And men aren’t that great at the nurturing stuff. They may hold you when you cry. They may stroke your back when you’re throwing up. But with things like this, it’s all about rolling with the punches so to speak. Part of the learning process as Im1 says here.

    Im1, you remind me now that afterwards, when K told the story to others, it came out how upset he really was. But even then, the way he told the story was more about relaying the facts with a few sentences inserted that told me how shook up he was.

    Thank you for sharing your story Im1HappyGirl.

    xxoo

  9. Samantha says:

    Hello everyone!

    Thank you so much Dominique and Im1HappyGirl! This did make a lot of sense and help very much, as I can see my man is not the “nurturing” type either. I would not want him to be because that would force me to be more masculine right? And I want to be as much feminine as possible. I have noticed he also has that “get up, your okay” attitude with my children who I know he cares for and loves. So I should not take it personal, but sometimes, I could use some comforting and help. I think my being triggered when he doesn’t respond in a caring or helpful way is because of childhood emotional issues I have not quite conquered, but it doesn’t make it any easier. And I am still really uneasy about the fact that he did not step up and at least help me with the car repairs and such. I tried to express to him that I since I am a woman, I am a little unsure of myself when it comes to those sort of things and that I appreciate and seek a man’s help. I continued to express that if I do not have a man, I ask my brother or a friend, but since he is here, I feel foolish going to another man for help with my car. I truly did my best to not insult or accuse him, but I feel unheard. And now there are a lot of hurt feelings on both sides that are still kind of lingering…..we are doing much better today, talking and some affection, but I feel like I want to say “I need to know if this is what to expect anytime I need you, because I don’t want a relationsip like that”. I am still so confused. I have taken your advice Dominique, to let it go. I truly have, but I am wondering if he has as well. I know I hurt his feelings also. Not to mention, I have not gotten an apology or anything similar, and probably never will. I want to apologize, but I feel that would be like me saying what he did was okay. And I am not okay with it, it is a potential red flag as you said. But I am willing to let it go. I am just really afraid now, scared that my amazing relationship is only going to be good when things are going smoothly. I am afraid I will be alone in every bump in the road. I mean, life happens, it can’t be good all of the time but I at least want to know that my man is still my partner through the bad times too. Maybe I am reading too much into this, but I can’t stop thinking about all of it. Reading your response (both of your responses) allowed me to let go of the anger and deep hurt, but I am terrified now about where to go from here. I apologize for taking up so much time.

    Btw, Dominique, I have watched several of your videos and they are amazing. Just listening relaxes me, and actually doing the activities….I feel so light and free :) Keep up the great work!

    Lots of appreciation,
    Samantha

  10. Samantha says:

    Im1HappyGirl,

    I forgot to say bravo for you and your fight with cancer. It makes me sad to think you felt alone or maybe neglected through it, but I also commend you in being able to look back now and realize that he dealt with it differently. I am super proud of you, and I hope you are feeling better now!

    xoxo,
    Samantha

  11. Dominique says:

    Samantha – It feels good hearing you feel better and have mostly let this go. If you really feel like apologizing, then do so. This doesn’t mean it’s giving him the okay to do whatever, be whatever. It’s taking responsibility for you and your behavior.

    eg. “I feel badly I blew up at you.” That’s it. No more needs to be said.

    As for him not being nurturing, a masculine energy man can still have a nurturing side, and this side of him can be coaxed out, IF he’s willing. He may not know he’s willing until you work with this with in in the following way.

    If something like this happens again, try saying something like this, “I’m feeling really shaky (scared, frightened, shook up). A hug would feel so good right now.” or “I need to stop for a bit. I’m not feeling so good at the moment. A hug would feel so good, please.” See how he responds.

    As for the tire thing, it seems as though you asked for help in a good way, and he said no. Sometimes we have to accept that no means no. Whatever his reasons are. It may not feel right to you, but this is how it played out.

    Again as I said, this is potential red flag material, so all you can do is continue to grow and heal yourself and see what he does in response.

    Thank you for your sweet words about my videos. I’ve been wanting/planning to do a whole lot more of them, but between the holidays, and sickness in our house as well as cloudy weather (I depend on the sun for my lighting, for as you can see from the ones I released to youtube, they are too dark, as it was a cloudy day).

    I am keeping fingers crossed for a good filming afternoon today. It’s in my plans.

    Please keep me posted as to what happens from here.

    xxoo

  12. Carmen says:

    My boyfriend of almost 6 years says he does not love me like I need him to anymore and that he is not a family man anymore (I have 2 kids from my previous marriage) but I think he may be feeling this way because he feels inadequate financially. He did not have a good job when I met him and about 3 years ago he decided to start his own business but this has not gone as well as he hoped. It did cause tension between us and we started arguing a lot. Last year he moved out and we broke up. He said he felt numb. Then after a couple of weeks he agreed to talk to me and sort it out but he wanted to continue to stay by his parents until he could get his life on track and bring money in. It was going well for many months but then I started stressing with problems in my job and his mom lost her job, his dad does not work and his business had not improved. He started working very long hours to bring money in and we hardly saw each other. I started feeling lonely and withdrew myself. Then I felt he was distant also and we broke it off. First he said we were not meant to be and that we had tried before and then later that he did not love me like I needed anymore. I have spoken to his dad and he says when it first happened and his dad said we should talk about it he said he could not give me another chance. I am so confused, I still love him so much but do not know what to do. Is this hopeless?

  13. Dominique says:

    Carmen – I’m not sure how I can help you here other than to tell you that there is SO much going on here for the both of you. This poor man has most everything masculine related, i.e. career/mission in life way off track, and for most men this WILL cause them to withdraw, become distant, nasty even.

    The best you can do for him is get your own life in order, remaining as calm as you can, as open hearted and as open to him as you can. Be that soft place for him to land if he comes looking for you.

    No mothering or smothering though.

    You let him know that you miss him though.

    xxoo

  14. icha says:

    can you help me.. its about my relationship.. im married.. before we love each other so much and now its getting each day as cold… we are in a long distance realationship.. my mistake was i ignore him, and that makes him feel that he was living without my attention.. i just know later when he has an affair.. it pains me so much and i regreted it.. he said that he has a reason why he cheated on me.. at first i understand why it happen but as the days come and go i feel like im still hurt for this fact happening to our marriage..i cried in the silence and i feel like i dont want him anymore but i know in myself that i still love him.. we are not now in a long distance but theres always a time that i make him feel i abandoned him at home.. what it hurt is that he didnt feel that i was so hurt for cheating on me.. and i still feel that he doesnt care at all.. all i wanted that he can feel what i feel right now but he never make me feel that i am still special to him..

  15. Dominique says:

    Icha – Long distance relationships are difficult at best.

    It may or may not be true that you ignored him, yet this is never reason to cheat. If someone feels unhappy in the relationship, then he/she needs to end things before starting something new.

    I completely understand why you feel hurt. And now you need to decide if you can live with this. If you truly want him back, you will have to let it go. You will have to accept that this happened and move on. You will have to choose to trust him completely until or unless proven otherwise.

    I don’t feel clear on whether he wants to work on this relationship, whether he wants to try again. If he doesn’t you have no other choice than to work to heal this pain and take care of you in the best ways possible. I would still suggest this even if he is wanting to work things out with you.

    I don’t want you mothering or smothering him. Let him take the lead on this. YOU TAKE CARE OF YOU however this looks. I want you to soothe yourself, fill your life up with activities and people who feel good to you, make you feel passionate or at least bring a smile to your lips.

    Aside from this, I don’t feel clear on what your question is. Maybe you can clarify?

    xxoo

  16. janeth says:

    it really hurts right now, all im thinking is to quit onto this marriage but we have a 1 child right now.. he said before that he never felt that he has a wife.. i really ignore him and that is true.. i am a woman who has a pride, everytime we fight i never used to make things resolve.. he calls he text me.. but im so numb already i easily get hurt.. i guess i made a mistake also coz i used to make him feel he is alone.. i dont know what to do right at this moment.. he change a lot.. a while ago we talk about everything happened, but when i decided to break the marriage he cried and he said he was so pity alone.. he said he takes some pills and get drunk in order to sleep.. i really dont know what to do

  17. Dominique says:

    Janeth – I’m sorry for your pain. Whether you you treated him healthy ways or not is not something to blame yourself for. Nothing is worth being mean to yourself over. Everything is a learning and growing experience whether it works out with this man or not. He’s been given to you as a gift, a message to help you heal yourself.

    You cannot do anything to change or control what your husband does or doesn’t do, yet you can change you. You can learn better ways of communicating, in ways a man can hear you. You can learn to take your focus off of him and put it back on yourself where it needs to be, to heal, to learn, to grow, to blossom more beautifully.

    Please read everything you can here. Or you might consider my video series which has everything you need to heal yourself AND create the relationship you have dreamed of which could very well be with your husband.

    http://sexandheart.com/the-goddess-way

    Love to you.

    xxoo

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