You would think the answer to this question would be simple, maybe even obvious, but when I reach for a response, I come up with nothing. Yet I also come up with many thoughts and ideas, not one of them being an easy or straightforward reason though.
And the more I grasp for a definitive answer, the more I keep thinking what a loaded and complex topic this really is.
There are several reasons you might come up with right away, but these first response reasons seem trivial. I think of them as more of an avoidance of the real issue reasons.
So after some pondering, I’ve come to the conclusion that there are only two valid reasons.
The most obvious to me reason, the most natural, clean reason that a man would fall out of love is if you both find yourself growing in different directions.
And if this happens, you will be feeling the same way as he, so this isn’t necessarily such a bad feeling thing; it wouldn’t feel like a negative. It may hurt, yet you will likely be parting ways amicably. It will be a mutual feeling of having to move on. This is a good thing for you both.
What I think is a more critical reason and one which can be multi-faceted, is one which would appear on the surface to be so not okay reasons, but when you dig down and uncover what lies beneath the layers, it’s not as superficial nor as one-dimensional as it appears at first glance.
I have heard this reason so much and from so many different venues, and it really makes me feel cringey to write it, BUT when you look at this more carefully, when you get to the heart of what’s REALLY going on, it has great validity.
When a woman lets herself go, her man will fall out of love with her, be turned off by her, will start to have a wandering eye, maybe wandering hands and peepee parts too.
I can hear your outrage from here. How could a man leave his woman because she gained some weight for instance or become a little soft around the middle or stopped eating well or stopped doing her hair, nails, or make up? Love is blind isn’t it?
Hold these thoughts for a moment.
Yes – I agree that your man “should” continue to love you regardless of what you look like. Looks are going to fade anyway.
BUT letting yourself go in this way, is really a HUGE indicator of something else altogether, something more profound, something lying buried underneath the exterior part of you.
And this is the real reason why a man would leave.
YOU are in effect actually not caring about or for YOU. This goes beyond not taking caring of yourself which is not good for you on any level all by itself. Letting yourself go like this has spilled over into treating yourself as if you don’t matter. And this tells him you are not loving on YOU. YOU do not LOVE YOU.
This work which you have been doing on yourself with support from me and likely others too, this wonderful, deep and sometimes painful work you’ve been doing within yourself, is about learning to LOVE YOU SO MUCH, you will not allow someone to treat you poorly. If you have let yourself go, you are treating YOU really, really poorly, likely worse than you would ever treat another.
In a word, if you are not loving you, it would be quite the task for another to love you. Another person can only love you as deeply as you love yourself.
So it’s not about the weight gain or the letting your muscles turn to mush or acting in unhealthy ways or not dressing nicely anymore or not fixing yourself up a little. It’s about losing interest in yourself and your well being; it’s about not having your own best interests at heart.
And this closes off all the good stuff you really want, the fun, the happiness, peace, and LOVE.
So you might ask, isn’t it his responsibility to boost you up? Make you feel better about yourself? Encourage you. Suggest getting the help you might need?
Well…not really. If you are having a problem and feel unable to cope alone, then maybe yes. And I would hope that you would talk with your man about it. If your man is hesitant in stepping up and stepping in (some men can be), then you MUST ask for his help.
(I don’t want you to expect anything though. Expectations lead to disappointment every time. For what you receive will never look like or live up to what you have created in your head. Being open to surprise and what is will lead to joy every time. Being in awe.)
If you are stuck in a “love me as I am” mode, i.e. denying that there is something wrong, he will very likely feel rejected, abandoned even. The relationship could very well be reconsidered at this point as well it ought to be. To carry on like this is taking on the role of an enabler, and this IS NOT a loving act for you or your partner.
Most of this is really your job though. It’s up to you to take care of you. Unless you are physically unable. (Physical illness is not really what I’m talking about here though.)
When it comes to your healing, your work, your path, this is YOUR STUFF to deal with and work on. It’s NOT for him to take up the reins for you.
Indeed change is inevitable, in life in general but also within yourself and within the relationship. I would hope we are all changing, growing, deepening, blossoming.
If the changes are not for the better, then it could be difficult to remain feeling okay with the relationship, but I would then refer you back to what I was just talking about.
Letting yourself go = faltering on the path to greater healing.
Any other reason you or I may have heard are simply excuses, for bad behavior, for copping out, for laziness, for pushing blame, all of which are really about avoiding working on deep inner self, on healing, facing the fears we all have inside.
As for growing older, looks fading, we all age. We all will be changing in ways some may find unattractive. This is a different aspect altogether. And I’m sure you’ve all heard of the cliché situation where an aging man will leave his equally aging wife for a younger woman.
BUT a good man DOES NOT work this way. He may not exactly see the young woman you once were, but in a way yes he will. You are still his beloved. And because you still take really, really god care of YOU, you can still be stunningly gorgeous to him despite or maybe even in spite of the not so youthful face and figure. This won’t even register for him, for there is still that beautiful open heart for him to fall into and love and continue to heal through. You are still exquisite to him. And isn’t that what’s important?