We ALL have fear.
We all have stuff which gets in our way, holds us back, interferes, and all of this comes down to our fears.
We women are funny creatures, so in our heads, often a great deal of the time, and this can make us kind of crazy, nutty, insane, mostly driving ourselves batty with the internal noise.
Being in your head so much of the time, tends to keeps you not only in superficial negative emotions, feeling cranky, irritable, critical, annoyed, somewhat angry, it also keeps you from moving forward all that much, let alone into a better feeling place.
Even sadness and deeper, true anger, rage if you will, will be more difficult to access when all of this chatter swirls round and round in your head.
As for love, even if you think you feel love, it’s still mostly head produced, so you’re not really FEELING it at all. You’re THINKING it.
All of this busyness in the brain? Besides keeping you in a state of anxiety, it keeps you in avoidance.
This constant talking covers over your fears, fear you will be lost in bad feeling feelings, fear that you will sink and never resurface, fear that you will disappear, fear of facing your demons whatever they may be and whatever their origins. Abandonment is a BIG one and a common one. And these fears are indeed really scary, so your loud voices inside act as white noise in a way, but it’s not serving you in any GOOD way whatsoever.
It keeps you from confronting what’s at the heart of this chaos in your mind.It keeps you from feeling what’s really bothering you, what’s REALLY going on.
This cacophony keeps you from feeling your fears, and the more you keep your fears at bay, ironically the more it keeps you from feeling your heart let alone your deepest heart. It keeps you out of your true core self, your pure love self. Which can also drive away the one you want around the most, your beloved.
Calm and peace, serenity and bliss won’t figure into a being filled with a noisy brain.This why one of the HUGEST proponents of my work is to teach women to be more in their bodies, sinking, feeling, BEING, less doing, little thinking.
It’s not to say you will be spared feeling bad when you can learn to be more in your body than in your head. Your bad feeling feelings, your sadness will never go away entirely. And really you wouldn’t want them to. How would you recognize feeling good if you don’t feel bad sometimes?
When you can sink into your body and feel all of these feelings which ebb and flow all day long (this would include the bad feeling ones too), when you are able to really allow ALL of it, the lovely loving love feelings when they bubble up and pervade, when they are truly present, will envelop you in an incomparable profound bliss.
Does it help to know that your fears likely originated within as a child, when you were a small precious little girl?
You can heal your little girl inside by feeling these fears of yours so you can then access her, be with her. So you can become her friend and ally. So you can hug on her and love her, wipe away her tears when she feels sad or scared.
You heal her by knowing she will never “grow up” and loving this. She’s as much a part of you as the outside evolving, maturing, and maybe sometimes wise you. You heal her by incorporating her as a part of you, not a separate part, a part of the whole beautiful being who is you.
All of these pieces are you, and if you can embrace fear as being an important piece of you too and really allowing it, the end result is that you will feel better, more whole, more wholly you. YOU have made room for your fears to move through you. They are not something to fight but something to feel, so they can then dissolve or mostly so. The resistance to fear perpetuates it. Release resistance, and YOU can flow, as your fears flow out of you.
YOU gorgeous YOU, a being who acknowledges and embraces her fears.
xxoo
wow; thank you!
I needed to read this today , thank you! It even got me picturing myself at 5 years old… I remember being stuck in my head at that age and Thinking that I didn’t deserve love. What’s with that ?
Yes…I needed to hear this today, also. I’m realizing that I have these deep, deep fears inside that I’m afraid to really feel because I’m scared they will consume me and I won’t be able to come out of it (if that makes any sense.)I really do live in my head. I see, now, how this is keeping me from finding real love and intimacy. I don’t like it, but at least now I can see it.Peace…
Tinque, I don’t know if I can embrace my fears, I can feel them melt and seep through my body when I do..but I don’t want that dark ugliness to touch me, i can feel my skin crawl when I embrace my fears! But then I can feel it dissolving..until next time they decide to show up!
Mai – You got it. Yes the fears are scary and dark and ugly, and when you’re immersed in them, it can feel like you’ll never get out from under, but then as you say, they dissolve.Imagine resistance as an impenetrable wall, for that’s what it is. You can’t get through. You’re stuck. Release resistance, and it can then flow out….until the next time.The more you do this, the less of a hold they will have on you.It’s sad that so many of us at so tender an age felt undeserving of love, for we didn’t get it or if we did, it was distorted. There were strings attached.What helps me is knowing my parents were also deprived when they were children, so they did the best they could given the very few tools they were given.xxoo
PassionatelyPisces – What you say makes perfect sense, and you’re not alone in these feelings.Having the awareness you have gained is a HUGE step. Things can now shift, and when you find yourself back up in your head, you can gently pull yourself back down into your body.It’s a process, a lifelong journey, and you’re well on your way.xxoo
I feel such a ball of fear and pain in my chest. I find myself literally squeezing my chest muscles and constricting my heart. I feel so alone and “forgotten” when I don’t hear from a man for a few days. I had an amazing date, beautiful moments, tender talking and I felt so feminine and lovely and he was completely in the moment and adoring me in a masculine, sexy but respectful way. I felt so happy. And then I don’t hear anything for three days and it just sinks me. Even though I know that I don’t want a man who isn’t “there,” I find myself hurting and missing what we shared. And I feel that he’ll be back again, but in the meantime, I want to heal this ache in me.
Rachel – How about looking at this in another way. He doesn’t operate on YOUR timetable. A woman usually wants to connect in some way everyday, even several times a day.Many men don’t work this way. Maybe he doesn’t want to seem overly anxious. Maybe this is just how he is. Three days is not that long.I would ask you now, how long have you been seeing each other? If it’s not been long, three days is nothing. BUT this is the time to look at patterns. Is he lackadaisical most of the time? Is he not steeping up?Just because a man is not calling or texting all the time doesn’t mean he’s not interested or doesn’t care.In the meantime, you must take your focus off of him, and place it firmly on YOU. Absorb yourself in your own life. It’s not that you forget about him, but instead shift your thinking and your actions.xxoo
Hi Tinque,We’ve been talking about 2 1/2 weeks. We had almost daily contact the first week … had an amazing date the second week … and now he’s gone quiet. I’m trying hard to focus on ME and not worry. I think what “hurts” the most is that the connection and tenderness felt so real. He was the perfect blend of manly and caring. I don’t want to lose that. I know of no reason that I would have “lost” him, but it feels weird that after such consistent contact, I’m hearing nothing. I miss him! Or do I miss how he made me feel? I don’t know… but my heart hurts.
I do feel better than you think 3 days is nothing. It IS a very new relationship and I was working hard to stay in the moment and not rush ahead in my hopes and dreams. I felt like I handled our date almost perfectly … I felt strong and happy and feminine. He loved it! Three days FEELS like forever …
Rachel – There could be any number of reasons why he has withdrawn, or maybe he hasn’t at all.You did NOTHING wrong. You sound as though you were totally centered within and being authentic and open.If by some chance this is too much for him to handle, you still did nothing wrong.It’s not healthy for you to pin so much on one man, especially SO early in. It can be felt in your energy as neediness and anxiety. And it’s just not good for you.I understand how hard it is, but you try to find within yourself the strength to not forget him but put him aside. Fill up your time with things that fulfill you. If he’s going to come back around, this is what will do it, an open and focused on you energy. Okay?xxoo
Thank you, Tinque. Day Six is ending and it’s all I can do not to email him and ask, “What happened?!” The frustrating thing is that I don’t think anything happened. But it is so hard not to feel that somehow I messed this up. He seemed so into me. I am doing a little better each day in my thoughts and feelings. I do miss our evening talks and his little notes throughout the day. I guess it’s not a good idea to contact him though. Right? Sigh …. thank you for your support. Your words have been very comforting
You did NOT mess anything up Rachel. This is ALL him whatever it is that’s going on with him.You can send him a simple message saying, “I’m feeling confused. I miss you.” And leave it at that. See what happens. Try not to put any expectations on this. He may or may not respond and if he does, there’s a good chance he will do the withdrawal thing again, but then you will know.Keep doing what you’re doing, taking care of you, filling your life with things and people who fulfill you.You actually sound really good. Brava to you.xxoo