Snuggles feel good anytime, anywheres,

Kisses and hugs take away all cares.

Tender loving, passion ignites,

Melting in beautiful, dreamy nights.

Your love is special, a gift from the heart,

Warming your days from finish to start.

So on this lovely, lover’s day so fine,

Go forth. Celebrate ~ your special Valentine.

(starting with YOU…)

xxoo

Happy Heart Day Everyone!!!

And she asked me what I suggested she do about this, what to say to him, how to behave around him.

“I am having some challenges with someone I am in early stages of dating at the moment – generally my problem is that I find it very hard to know what I should do sometimes, persist or let go…. So when I got your latest email last night, I had a massive jolt – all along I have been telling myself I am strong, independent and not scared to love or be loved, to trust… Well, after reading, I realized in a big way, that I DO have fear, I just couldn’t see it before, the way I understood it. It was a bit of a shock! All along I was focusing on was his fear and how I didn’t like how it felt to be on the receiving end of that.”

This man apparently has a history of attracting “ice queens” which plays very nicely into his fears. He cannot get close to someone who won’t let him in, and these women have been perfect for him, giving him an easy, convenient out of any “real” relationship. These women support his claim that there are only cold women out there.

But he is the one who is attracted to this kind of woman, not so much the other way around. (though we could go into this hypothesizing that we attract and are attracted to equally) And this stems from his fear to connect on a deeper level, his fear to be truly intimate with another person, a woman.

He keeps women at arm’s length further supporting this life he has created for himself for whatever reason.

And these are all valid things to look at and think about.

BUT really the important thing here for this woman, I’ll call her Marie, is that SHE MANIFESTED THIS kind of a MAN into her life, a man who has this kind of fear. This is not co-incidence.

Though she was unaware of this until now, this man has been in some ways perfect for her. She does indeed have fear, and he is giving HER an ideal reason for not connecting to another person, a man, on a deeper level, being truly intimate just as he has done.

She was so focused on him, she lost sight of herself and the role she was playing here.

You know how I speak frequently of bringing things back to you? I don’t always only mean taking care of you, being kind and gentle with yourself, having work you enjoy, hobbies which feel fun, friends with whom you connect well.

And it’s not just about keeping your energy and focus off of him. You know, the common state we women can find ourselves in, fretting about what your man is thinking, doing, feeling.

You already know that one of the best things you can do for YOU is to turn off your tapes, and one of the healthiest thing to do for the relationship is to immerse yourself in YOU; taking of your sacred temple, your body; taking care of your brain and your spirit, your passions; taking care of your heart, your friends and family.

And though these elements are very important, there is more to this, more to bringing things back to you. If your man is displaying characteristics which make you feel confused or annoyed or angry or in despair, have a look within yourself to see if maybe he’s not reflecting a part of you back to you.

When you find yourself focused on his emotional lacks, have a look at your own emotional lacks, your own areas which still need healing.

Are they maybe eerily similar to his? IS YOUR MAN YOUR MIRROR?

So in Marie’s case, I pointed out to her how her that the ice queen was in her as well, even as warm and lovely and loving as she is. She too was carrying some of the cool characteristics, the guardedness which her man complains of and which he must surely feel on some level in her. She was another “safe” bet, since this is what he’s attracted to.

Though Marie has been exhibiting some of these qualities her man has been attracted to, she has also been different than the others. She does have a warm and accepting side. And since this part of her flies in the face of what he feels comfortable with, as a result, one of the things he did was to acquire a habit of voicing blatant appreciation for other women in her presence which feels so hurtful to her.

Even if he genuinely felt attraction to these other women, as with most men, it would be a fleeting thought. A man without his fears or at least a diminished version of them, would keep these thoughts to himself where they belong. They are truly benign thoughts, as quickly gone as formed.

But since he feels compelled to speak his thoughts out loud, I see this is as an extension of his fear, an act which is attempting to pushing her away since his comfort levels are being challenged with her.

Since this has occurred more than once, it would be appropriate to tell him that this kind of expression makes you feel awful, makes you feel not enough or whatever it is you feel. And add that you don’t want to feel this way with him.

But really there are deeper things going on here. This is merely a symptom. It’s not clear at this point if this man is capable of a “real” relationship, for his issues seem to run deeply which isn’t to say he can’t heal them, but he has to want to. And this isn’t Marie’s responsibility.

If you are with a man such as this, I would suggest please proceeding with caution. And please don’t expect to be able to change him. Please don’t expect anything. Expectations usually lead to disappointment.

And what it really comes down to is what can and cannot be tolerated, what the deal breakers are for you. Are these things you could learn to live with even if NOTHING around them ever changed. Does the rest that is good outweigh these things that bother you? These are serious questions to ask yourself.

But no matter what Marie’s decision is, this is a wonderful opportunity for her to go even more deeply inside herself and uncover some more of her own fears, discover her own ice queen goddess, love her and then warm her up.

If you are with a man who gives you pause, know that the more you heal YOU, the more you keep your focus on you, taking exquisite care of you in all ways, not worrying about what he’s thinking, doing, saying, the more you can keep your heart open and vulnerable, no matter how you feel, no matter what he does or doesn’t do, the better you will feel AND the safer he will feel with you, making him feel loved and accepted. AND the better chance you have of having the relationship you want.

There may be a great many not so great men out there and if you find yourself with one, take a really good, hard LOOK IN the MIRROR he’s providing for you. And embrace this as the gift it really can be. Healing yourself is precious and wonderful, and if someone is in your life presenting you with one such as this, how about accepting it appreciatively.

And know that there are many wonderful men out there too. The more you raise your energy, the more you heal YOU and maybe via these men in your mirror, the more better quality men will appear. Whether it be this man or another one better suited for you.

xxoo

You would think the answer to this question would be simple, maybe even obvious, but when I reach for a response, I come up with nothing. Yet I also come up with many thoughts and ideas, not one of them being an easy or straightforward reason though.

And the more I grasp for a definitive answer, the more I keep thinking what a loaded and complex topic this really is.

There are several reasons you might come up with right away, but these first response reasons seem trivial. I think of them as more of an avoidance of the real issue reasons.

So after some pondering, I’ve come to the conclusion that there are only two valid reasons.

The most obvious to me reason, the most natural, clean reason that a man would fall out of love is if you both find yourself growing in different directions.

And if this happens, you will be feeling the same way as he, so this isn’t necessarily such a bad feeling thing; it wouldn’t feel like a negative. It may hurt, yet you will likely be parting ways amicably. It will be a mutual feeling of having to move on. This is a good thing for you both.

What I think is a more critical reason and one which can be multi-faceted, is one which would appear on the surface to be so not okay reasons, but when you dig down and uncover what lies beneath the layers, it’s not as superficial nor as one-dimensional as it appears at first glance.

I have heard this reason so much and from so many different venues, and it really makes me feel cringey to write it, BUT when you look at this more carefully, when you get to the heart of what’s REALLY going on, it has great validity.

When a woman lets herself go, her man will fall out of love with her, be turned off by her, will start to have a wandering eye, maybe wandering hands and peepee parts too.

I can hear your outrage from here. How could a man leave his woman because she gained some weight for instance or become a little soft around the middle or stopped eating well or stopped doing her hair, nails, or make up? Love is blind isn’t it?

Hold these thoughts for a moment.

Yes – I agree that your man “should” continue to love you regardless of what you look like. Looks are going to fade anyway.

BUT letting yourself go in this way, is really a HUGE indicator of something else altogether, something more profound, something lying buried underneath the exterior part of you.

And this is the real reason why a man would leave.

YOU are in effect actually not caring about or for YOU. This goes beyond not taking caring of yourself which is not good for you on any level all by itself. Letting yourself go like this has spilled over into treating yourself as if you don’t matter. And this tells him you are not loving on YOU. YOU do not LOVE YOU.

This work which you have been doing on yourself with support from me and likely others too, this wonderful, deep and sometimes painful work you’ve been doing within yourself, is about learning to LOVE YOU SO MUCH, you will not allow someone to treat you poorly. If you have let yourself go, you are treating YOU really, really poorly, likely worse than you would ever treat another.

In a word, if you are not loving you, it would be quite the task for another to love you. Another person can only love you as deeply as you love yourself.

So it’s not about the weight gain or the letting your muscles turn to mush or acting in unhealthy ways or not dressing nicely anymore or not fixing yourself up a little. It’s about losing interest in yourself and your well being; it’s about not having your own best interests at heart.

And this closes off all the good stuff you really want, the fun, the happiness, peace, and LOVE.

So you might ask, isn’t it his responsibility to boost you up? Make you feel better about yourself? Encourage you. Suggest getting the help you might need?

Well…not really. If you are having a problem and feel unable to cope alone, then maybe yes. And I would hope that you would talk with your man about it. If your man is hesitant in stepping up and stepping in (some men can be), then you MUST ask for his help.

(I don’t want you to expect anything though. Expectations lead to disappointment every time. For what you receive will never look like or live up to what you have created in your head. Being open to surprise and what is will lead to joy every time. Being in awe.)

If you are stuck in a “love me as I am” mode, i.e. denying that there is something wrong, he will very likely feel rejected, abandoned even. The relationship could very well be reconsidered at this point as well it ought to be. To carry on like this is taking on the role of an enabler,  and this IS NOT a loving act for you or your partner.

Most of this is really your job though. It’s up to you to take care of you. Unless you are physically unable. (Physical illness is not really what I’m talking about here though.)

When it comes to your healing, your work, your path, this is YOUR STUFF to deal with and work on. It’s NOT for him to take up the reins for you.

Indeed change is inevitable, in life in general but also within yourself and within the relationship. I would hope we are all changing, growing, deepening, blossoming.

If the changes are not for the better, then it could be difficult to remain feeling okay with the relationship, but I would then refer you back to what I was just talking about.

Letting yourself go = faltering on the path to greater healing.

Any other reason you or I may have heard are simply excuses, for bad behavior, for copping out, for laziness, for pushing blame, all of which are really about avoiding working on deep inner self, on healing, facing the fears we all have inside.

As for growing older, looks fading, we all age. We all will be changing in ways some may find unattractive. This is a different aspect altogether. And I’m sure you’ve all heard of the cliché situation where an aging man will leave his equally aging wife for a younger woman.

BUT a good man DOES NOT work this way. He may not exactly see the young woman you once were, but in a way yes he will. You are still his beloved. And because you still take really, really god care of YOU, you can still be stunningly gorgeous to him despite or maybe even in spite of the not so youthful face and figure. This won’t even register for him, for there is still that beautiful open heart for him to fall into and love and continue to heal through. You are still exquisite to him. And isn’t that what’s important?

xxoo

So what does this mean?  What do you do with this? How do you get over the pain of a break up?

A dear friend, I’ll call her Elle (a lovely woman I’ve never met in person, yet I still feel her deeply inside me) has just let her man go, and she is hurting badly.

I want to share with you not just her story, but the story we all have lived through when we’ve suffered through the pain of a break up.

Every situation is unique, naturally. Some break ups happen because he is just NOT the man for you. He doesn’t have to be toxic either to just not be for YOU. You could be growing in different directions. You could be on very different healing paths. He, or you for that matter, just cannot face the pain involved in healing, so for one or the other of you, moving on is the best option. You won’t be able to continue growing and healing otherwise. Or there could be any number of other reasons, logistically, emotionally, spiritually, and so on.

In Elle’s case, the break up occurred not because love wasn’t there. The love between them is very deep and I think profound. She felt compelled to let her man go because she felt his confusion, his wounds, and his desperate need to do some deeper healing than he is ready for at this time. To keep going with this man would not have served her.

Looking at the surface it would seem HE had let HER go, claiming he didn’t have the same love for her as she did for him. Without getting into too many details, this man was lying and primarily to himself. Simply, his fears got in his way.

So this brave woman had the incredible sense and wisdom and LOVE FOR HERSELF, and him, to tell him that though she loved him, she would need to let him go so he can figure himself out.

What an amazing, courageous thing to do!!! She is truly awe inspiring. I don’t know if I would have had the same courage, and I applaud her hugely.

Elle regretted saying she loved him though, BUT she wasn’t wrong to do so. Some of us have been told to keep those sentiments under wraps until you are an “official couple” or until he says it first.

Yet here it was a true expression of how she felt. She bared her heart and soul authentically. And this is SO beautiful. As painful as things feel to her right now and as much as I wish I could hug her and hold her close, I can tell her that she has done SO well. Her responses to him were perfect.

And now how she feels is SO normal.

I have said a man heals best through a woman’s heart. (You can re-read the article here.) Elle is a testament to this despite the break up.

Since I’ve known her, she has done some incredible healing and growth on her own before this relationship, come through some truly awful betrayals. Though they are parting for now, she was still able to lovingly open her heart to him and create a lovely love bond.

And she did indeed enact huge healing in him. He came to love and trust her, feel safe with her like no other woman in his life before. Incredible!!!

He has done some amazing healing through her heart; his heart has opened thanks to her; he is FEELING again. BUT he came up against his own self-created roadblock, and these feelings became too overwhelming for him at this point in time.

He hit a wall in his own healing process. He ran into some fears so profound, he couldn’t take anymore of this wonderful stuff blooming between them, at least not right now.

How do I know this? He cried heart wrenching tears with her on their last encounter. He shook and trembled. Men CANNOT do the waterworks thing like most women can. When the tears come, they REALLY are in pain.

So now he needs to take a step sideways in his healing. And she needs to let him. To pursue him will only push him farther away.

But Elle is in confusion because he’s behaved seemingly contradictorily; his actions belied his last words. And just two days prior, he had confessed having BIG emotions for her. He wanted to be with her. And then he said it’s not so. BUT the way he behaved, says it is.

She wants to know if all the pretty words had been bullshit. He had been drinking after all.

Drinking tends to brings out the truth, not the other way around. Professing his love for her WAS real. And his tears at the break up are further proof of this. He would have hardened himself around her if he felt otherwise. The tears were for the perceived loss of her, and they were also an expression of his fears coming up and surrounding his heart.

I think he’s scared out of his mind at the realness of what they had together and the intensity of his feelings, that someone could be so open and accepting of him, something so brand new to him.

I understand how difficult it is to ignore the words, but when every fiber of his being is screaming, “I love you SO much,” and his mouth is saying something else, please, please choose to believe his actions.

This man is confused and in fear of the connection he created with Elle and having to step further into deeper intimacy is more than he can do RIGHT NOW.

Prepare though for the notion that he may never be ready for more.

BUT what she saw in him, what she felt in him was REAL. This IS her TRUTH. CHOOSE to believe this.

Needless to say though, Elle is in a lot of pain. The tears won’t stop. And her gremlins have her firmly by the throat, yelling awful, nasty things at her.

She is grieving which is a good thing, for tears are a wonderful cleansing and healing tool, so I feel relieved she is able to release them. She is suffering the pain of separation, loss, and the empty place this man has left in her heart. It can feel like being abandoned. And this feels really awful.

So now what? Where does she go from here? What can she do to handle her gremlins? Her hurt? Her own fears?

First of all, I don’t think this is over. I really believe he will come back. They usually do. The big question is, will she still want him.

Many would suggest getting right back on her horse and begin circular dating right away. I don’t really agree with this. I don’t want Elle to wallow, but I do want her to allow some grieving time. I want her to feel deeply whatever it is she is feeling.

The first few days are usually the most challenging. You may barely see anything through the tears. It’s okay to cry, scream, throw things, but please, FEEL your pain. It WILL feel better IF you ALLOW it.

I also want you to take care of you with even greater care than usual. I want you to take lots of ME time. Whatever it is which makes you feel even a smidgen better, long hot showers or baths; massages are awesome at a time like this. Throw yourself into your hobbies, dance classes, music, arts and crafts, hiking, ice skating, any activity which brings just the smallest smile to your lips.

AND I want you to be really kind, gentle and very patient with yourself.

I don’t want you sitting at home, all alone, isolated, for this creates a perfect breeding ground for your gremlins to take over. Hang with women you enjoy, who support you, make you feel just that tiniest bit happy.

But when the gremlins do come to call, all you can do is keep telling them they are lying to you; gently push them away, over and over again if necessary. Summon the good memories. Keep them alive in your consciousness. This is your truth.

And know that whatever you are feeling, it’s normal. You are a woman in pain, a woman whose heart has been broken.

AND keep on working on your own heart. When you find yourself in the hell hole feeling following a break up, I want you keep doing what you were doing before your man came into your life. I want you to continue with your healing from before this and around this.

And very importantly. I DON’T WANT you to contact him. DO NOT initiate any contact. Let him come to you. The next move is his.

We don’t all deal with fears in the same way after all. Your man is dealing with his fears in the only way he knows how in this moment. And please remember, his timetable will not look anything like yours. With the time he needs and the space you allow him, he will eventually come to you.

I can’t promise though he will get over his fears and be able to have the relationship you want with him. You may not even be available anymore, but then again you may. Just PLEASE don’t wait around for him. A man can feel this kind of anxious, all over him energy. Not only is this not good for you, this will likely keep him away.

Keep LOVING ON YOURSELF more. And know that this is NOT about YOU. This is his stuff to deal with, or not.

And it’s okay to harbor a hope he will come back as long as there is no dwelling on this. If he does come back, ready to continue his healing journey WITH you, FABULOUS. BUT if he doesn’t, I want you to have faith that it is for YOUR best interests. If he doesn’t, this means he is unable to heal beyond where you helped him go. This is a wonderful gift you gave not only to him but also to yourself.

You can also try employing my pasting the fantasy meditation which you can find in my book, Sex and Heart. Briefly it’s a living your life AS IF, as if what you think and feel is true even if it isn’t at this particular moment in time. The more you can live your life AS IF, the more your reality will align with your “fantasy”.

xxoo

Or is this an excuse to avoid facing your fears which can arise when you work on releasing so that you can allow your true and authentic love goddess self to show herself?

I’m not talking about taking care of things that need to be taken care of within, say your job, or when tasks need to be tackled at home or with your children. I’m talking about HAVING to completely turn off your feminine yummy self to don the boy hat with YOUR MAN and be totally in DO mode.

Though it probably won’t happen very often and if it does, then maybe you need to rethink your relationship, there are apparently times when your masculine energy self DOES need to come out and take over.

But when? And when you do, how do you feel when you are in boy energy with him? How do you manage this? How do you reconcile this within yourself?

Switching to masculine energy for most of us is easy since we have done plenty of this in the past, even with having accustomed to the new feminine energy being that you have.

I haven’t had to do this for a very long time, certainly not since I’ve come to this mostly lovely place I have with K as the goddess though silly creature I am most of the time.

Yet this came up for me recently, and wow was it difficult. And it felt HORRIBLE. I had a really tough time with it.

Initially it felt okayish since I have a masculine energy past too, but the longer I had to stay there, it felt increasingly really awful. It felt “wrong”. I felt unbalanced. Every fiber of my was fighting with what I felt compelled to do and be. My girl self DID NOT like nor want to be in boy energy with K at all.

When it comes to my business or taking care of business, I enjoy how it feels, my ability to organize and prioritize (or not), the sense of accomplishment when my set tasks are completed, the results of my work whether they are tangible or not, when I coach women with their difficulties. The latter I love.

Yet when it comes to the kind of business I’m in, when I am in masculine energy, I’m still very much in feminine energy too. While in “do” mode, I can still remain soft and gooey at the same time. I can still maintain an underlying current of feeling still very much in the feminine. It’s a creative process.

When I’m with K, I fall even more deeply into my ALL girly girl, sensuous, luscious feeling, a smile flirting with my lips most of the time, a laugh in my heart.

I still “do” as in cooking dinner, but like with my business, I “do” while still feeling feminine energy.

So this is what happened. It started with me having a severe allergic reaction to mushrooms which causes violent vomiting that doesn’t cease until every last scrap is out. This can take a few hours. Needless to say, I felt awful.

K was brilliant, holding my head, stroking my back. Holding me and caressing my face in between bathroom trips. I felt so cared for and loved despite how I felt.

When I have an episode like this, it can take several days to feel myself again, and this particular time felt especially nasty. My whole body hurt, like I had been steamrollered.

The next day though, K came down with a double infection of strep (pharyngitis) and a viral thing down the back of his throat. It hit him quickly and hard; he was REALLY sick, high fever and much pain.

I had to step in and step up. I had no other choice. I had to take charge, bring him to the doctor, get him meds, lozenges, food and drink he would/could eat, seemingly endless trips here and there for him, seemingly endless washing of discarded sweaty clothes and sheets.

I felt so badly for him, but I was also feeling sorry for myself. Here I was not feeling well yet  still having to care for this poor, sick man when all I really wanted was for someone to hold me and take care of ME. I felt so selfish for having these feelings.

I could feel resentment creeping in, yet I felt guilt. I felt so sad he felt so sick, and I wished I could just take it all away for him, but I craved attention and care too. I wanted my K back to hug on and snuggle with. I was a jumbled bundle of mixed up emotions.

BUT what felt even worse was HAVING to be in boy energy with K when I’m accustomed to being in all my wonderful, feminine glory mostly all the time.

I felt disconnected from him for sure but also from ME. I felt prickly and heavy and all hard edges. It felt like rocks in my heart. I felt desperation, as if I had nowhere to ground myself, no place to feel; there seemed no way up out of the pit which felt so burdensome, so imprisoning, AND I felt SO lonely.

I didn’t have a K to turn to for soothing. I didn’t have a woman friend to turn to for support in this. I felt lost with nowhere to turn to but me, but me was a bit busy and not feeling able to give.

I yearned to feel soft and melty again. My body ached for it, but I couldn’t relinquish the boy hat, not yet. He needed me.

I felt in such turmoil between the feelings of the situation at hand as well as the having to be in an energy that felt so bad.

It felt like a tug of war was going on in my heart and in my body, as the gremlin voices danced in my head. I couldn’t leave him and go be by myself to re-balance, sink back into my feminine spirit even for a moment, for I had to be there for him and DO for him.

I really felt quite scared and SO alone, and I also felt like running away to hide until the coast was clear.

If something like this happens to you, your man falls apart for whatever reason, and you just HAVE to be in boy energy for as long as it takes, all I can really tell you is that it’s going to feel really terrible, BUT you may take comfort albeit small in knowing that this won’t last forever. He will get better or rise up from under eventually.

Another thing you can try and I really encourage you to do so, is EMBRACING WHAT IS. Find the nugget of joy or the pleasure in the lesson which must be there, for there are lessons in everything, healing opportunities in every bad feeling situation you might be faced with.

One thing for me here is I had to dig down deeply and find deeper patience with K. Honestly I didn’t do so well with this. I was struggling with the ebbing and flowing resentment I was feeling towards the bratty child he turned into while he was stricken with these awful infections. I had never experienced this in him, and it was a challenge.

As best as I could, I just kept coaxing myself back to feeling compassion for him, for I know if he was behaving in such unlike him ways, he must really be hurting. I tried with everything I had to stay with this. Not that I was stuffing my angry feelings. I allowed them when by myself, but to express them to him would have felt highly misplaced. And these feelings were about ME, NOT HIM at all.

AND despite everything, through all of this I found some amazing healing within my body. As tense as I was feeling, I discovered some new and very deep places to release and let go of, old, old areas of holding. What a GIFT. I feel SO appreciative.

What saw me through to the end is a simple easing into a sort of holding pattern, hanging on until this passed.

It did of course as does ALL bad feeling stuff.

But then how do you switch your energy back? What does this look like? What does it feel like?

Switching back to the feminine energy self was not as easy as I thought it might be. It took a bit to release the prickles, the non-resilient parts taken on temporarily, the closed off and stifling feeling of having to just DO and not being able to BE with K. The residue kind of stuck to me like sticky burrs.

But when I finally shook off the remains of this masculine around K energy, when I was able to switch back to what now feels SO much more comfortable to me, my open, easy, relaxed, sensuous, girly self, it felt like the HUGEST sigh, a breath of fresh air, a coming out from a dark, musty basement. What a relief.

AND I do believe I came through this just a bit wiser, stronger, more open, more pliable, and maybe more goddessy than ever.

And so can you.

xxoo

Please take a moment and ponder this. It’s a profound notion, one worth keeping with you all the time, especially when you feel despair and are questioning his active part in your relationship or when you feel weary in all of your own hard work.

Now I don’t mean that he can’t do some wonderfully deep healing on his own, alone. He most certainly can though it will take an awareness and a conscious desire to do so along with some great focus.

Sounds a lot like our healing process doesn’t it? An awareness which then leads to maybe excitement but certainly a desire, a dedication, and determination.

But there is another beautiful piece to add to this equation when the man is in a good and loving, intimate relationship or at least one headed in that direction.

Good men, the kind of man you are with or who you want to be with, those men who love and are deeply in love with their woman will seemingly miraculously shift and change, heal and grow right along with you IF you are on a journey to heal and expand your heart, IF you are actively opening yourself to vulnerability, to your authenticity.

There is apparently something within your healing which inspires your man to become a “better man” for want of another expression. He truly can and will heal more completely, more deeply through YOUR heart. And mostly though this is an unconscious or maybe vaguely conscious process.

I know, it may not seem fair. You may feel like you’re working so hard to heal, and he gets to reap the rewards of your efforts seemingly without having to lift a finger.

Well…it’s not quite like this. Though you are very consciously working to release old habits which no longer serve you, heal the wounds which were inflicted long ago, and let go of triggers which need no longer apply, I truly believe that there is some very real and uncomfortable feeling “growing pains” going on for him too. It’s just that he may mostly be unaware of the what and the why around it. And he will likely not dwell on this either, just not a man’s typical style, very unlike most of us.

He tends to be more accepting of the “what is” in life. How he feels with you while this is going on is worth far more of his attention than any of the rest.

You might well take take notes from his experience around this, focusing on what feels good rather than fretting about what still doesn’t feel quite right.

When at work on himself on his own, I would venture to say it IS more of an effort filled, conscious thing. BUT when he’s with the woman who lights him up, his healing carries on in amazingly beautiful and wonderful ways and mostly on its own, underground, quietly. And if this bothers you at all, let me say simply that it’s all SO worth it.

When you are in a relati0nship with a man, more especially if you have at least a decently strong bond, are in love, intimate on some level, the more you learn to take your focus and anxious, nervous energy off of him and put it back on you by taking care of yourself, finding activities which feel good to you, fulfill you, expand your world; the more you learn to stop overfunctioning, stop “doing” for him at every turn, stop mothering him; the more you release your clinginess, your neediness which often manifests in a smothering way; the more you stop looking to your man to fill you up, validate you; the more you heal yourself, letting go of habits and thought patterns which impede movement forward (they in fact get very much in your way); the more you continue to go deeply inside yourself to find your authentic self; the more you learn to deeply love yourself, your physical being, your sensuous parts, your quirks and foibles, your gorgeous heart, ALL of YOU, the more you will be able to open your heart and revel in and enjoy vulnerability as well be able to feel and exude love, beautifully and unself-consciously, and maybe especially with him.

And in turn the more he will be inspired by you, want to join you for this incredible ride. Why?  Because he feels increasingly attracted to you, the REAL you. He feels increasingly safe with you because you are being the REAL you. ALL of this is hugely enticing, mesmerizing. A woman who loves herself so much she allows herself to be AUTHENTICALLY REAL is enormously attractive, sexy. He wants to be around your energy. He wants to KEEP this feeling.

As I said this kind of depth growth is usually more of an unconscious thing, yet somewhere at the edges of his awareness, he must vaguely sense and recognize the changes going on within him. I’m not entirely sure on this one, for I’ve never asked. It’s not something to be put into words easily plus speaking of such things feels like intellectualizing which feels like a trivializing of something profound. It just doesn’t feel good talking about this with a man if he would even talk about it. So I haven’t, and I won’t

Bottom line is, your man, if he is the right man man for YOU, WILL be inspired through and by your opening, by your increasingly vulnerable heart, and he thus can becomes bigger, better, more expanded, more aware, more loving hearted, more giving, more connected and deeply intimate with YOU.

And in so doing, his heart and soul will open to you to be strongly and more DEEPLY PRESENT in his life and maybe more importantly, with and for YOU.

And the achingly beautiful part of this is that in this deep presence, he can take you more deeply into your heart depths, your profound love self than you ever could alone.

What an incredible, lovely, awe inspiring, symbiotic dance.

xxoo

It can also be one filled with triggers, unresolved family issues, childhood pains and traumas rising up out of seemingly nowhere, readily eager and anxious to bite you in the butt.

Or maybe they are some scabbed over wounds around your man which suddenly feel as though one or another has been ripped away leaving you dripping tears and blood, sometimes all over the place.

Sometimes you are well aware of what triggered you. And you may sigh in despair, feeling like a bit of a failure for having this same thing come up yet again.

And sometimes what comes up may be completely unrelated to anything at hand. You may even be feeling blissful and content, in the midst of all kinds of good feeling stuff, and then WHAM!! You suddenly feel as though you’ve been hit with a sledge hammer. Confusion descends.

You may wonder why this is happening. Why is this stuff asking to be healed? Why now? This can really plunge you deeply into an awful pit of murky yuck.

If you have been alone over the holidays it might make more sense, but still…

So did this happen to you? Did something set you off? Or did something pop up out of the blue?

And to make things feel worse, have you been feeling too ashamed or maybe angry at yourself for feeling this way, for feeling what can be perceived as ungratefulness inside yourself instead of feeling appreciative for all of your gifts and blessings? Have you been feeling too embarrassed to give voice to how you are really feeling? Maybe even to yourself?

This may not help you feel better knowing this, but this a common thing, around this time of year particularly. So what do you do?

Whenever something like this comes up, no matter how little or big feeling, I want you bring it back to you. This is VERY important. It’s easier to look elsewhere for feeling this way. But truly it’s coming from within YOU. Yes someone may have said or done something which seems to have triggered these feelings, BUT if it wasn’t something within you that needed healing, it would not have had this kind of effect.

Here’s a small example of this. If you find yourself thinking that your man seems weird, off, or distant from you, ask yourself if maybe it’s YOU who is feeling weird, off, or has withdrawn, and you have projected this onto him. Feel around this carefully before dismissing this notion.

Maybe it was something as simple as a belly cramp, even if just a twinge, which then instigated some negative voices, which then manifested in some bad feeling feelings.

It may have simply been a stray or wayward thought which instigated this.

He may or may not have retreated to his cave to take care of himself, BUT if you were feeling clear and your heart had remained open, his behavior would not have affected you. You would have carried on, happily engaged in whatever you were doing at the time.

When something feels like a trigger, check in first with your body. Are you holding somewhere? Does something hurt? Is something clenching? It’s nearly always a sign that something is brewing within you.

Next check in with your thoughts. Are they quietly making things up, whispering little untruths in your heart? You likely have both going on, the body tightening and the thoughts squirming.

When it’s a big thing, maybe that same old thing yet again, and you quickly find yourself floundering and feeling horrible, for those voices are being especially vociferous, I want you to take heart and embrace whatever it is. Not so easy, I get it.

YET, these are signs and actually an AMAZING opportunity to explore your deeper parts, to uncover that next, more profound level of what this is that is wanting to be released and healed, thus expanding your world and opening your heart even bigger, feeling more peace and ease.

Much to my surprise, this very thing came up for me over Christmas weekend. K and I drove up to Boston to visit my dad and his wife. Nothing at all happened to trigger these feelings within me. In fact I’ve been feeling really good for a very long time, very connected, wide open hearted, little of significance nudging at me.

Yet something closely resembling what I thought had mostly healed descended from its far away abode, way out there in the periphery of my spirit. It raised its lovely, nasty head, and it practically engulfed me with old, old feelings of insecurity, not enoughness, and fear. I felt myself pulling back energetically.

And I looked to K, wondering why he felt far away from me. Why did he no longer feel so much like my ally, my best friend?

These feelings I thought I was done with came back up for attention, but the gremlin bearing the message seemed to have bought a new outfit since I last saw, heard, and felt her. She came wearing new clothes. To trick me maybe? No, that’s not it.

Maybe this was instead a different message or rather a deeper version of the same message. Yes this feels better.

But if I’m going to be brutally honest with myself and with you, she may always keep a corner in my (your) being where she sleeps. A nice, cozy corner, yet she is still there within me (you). And if I want to continue being honest, this usually sleeping gremlin apparently gets to feeling lonely and cranky herself, so up she comes to visit.

But what she is really doing is asking me for another level of healing as evidenced by her varied guise.

These triggers often pop up when you least expect them. Maybe your guard comes down, though you may be completely unaware that it had, and your gremlin goddess awakens and slips in to check in with you.

I truly believe she doesn’t mean any harm though it can surely feel this way. I truly believe she’s wanting to see if you are ready to go deeper still, closer and closer to your core self.

My initial response was to let her have free rein in my psyche because it seemed as though I had no control. I allowed the voices to talk really loudly at me. And you likely know this one – I began making up all kinds of “stories”, none of which are true of course and none of which have a place in my life or within my relationship. I’m sure you understand how cleverly these voices can spin.

Remember I’ve said that if you’re going to make it up, might as well make it up good? Well this technique wasn’t working for me at all. So it was clear to me that this was something to NOT ignore, push away, or shift. This was something which needed addressing.

Where did this come from I asked? I was having a lovely time visiting with my dad and his wife, a relaxing, cozy time. K and I felt close and intimate as we have been for a long time, no actions or words on his part to cause this sudden plunge into trigger fest hell.

I had no answer, for sometimes this just is. But I quickly came to realize something since this kind of thing has happened to me before.

Remember I’ve been recently reiterating the importance, actually the criticalness of learning how to be aware of what’s going on in your body in terms of holding and tension? I’ve been on this journey for a long time, and during this time, I have transformed my body in its shape and structure, in its pain level whether it be physically or emotionally induced.

And along with the body awareness, the emotional/spiritual healing takes place hand in hand, for you cannot really separate one from the other.

I discovered that every time a deeper layer presents itself for peeling away and discarding or at least delegating to a recess of my being, all the old trigger thoughts come flooding into my brain. It may feel as though this is a regression, a taking of many steps backwards, but I came to know that this was not the case at all.

You can experience what seems like the same old same old, but the meaning you may attach to this is not what you might believe. You ARE NOT going backwards. You ARE NOT stuck.

This is simply another layer which is begging to be shed/released, and the only way to get your attention seemingly is to present you with those things that feel SO bad to you and only to you.

Whatever your trigger is needs to be your UNIQUE trigger, that one thing or things which hurt enough to get your attention. To get you to do the work, to journey further within, to get you closer to fully uncovering your love filled heart.

I took some comfort remembering that this was what was transpiring with me.

So how do you peel away this layer?

Try allowing yourself to be internal for some time, NOT trying to connect with anyone else but yourself. Try sinking into these myriad feelings, watching them move about, as they flow to the next feeling. Try smiling as they transform.

I also suggest taking some quiet time with you and only YOU. Really look for places of tension. It helps so much to place your hands on the area and breathe love and relaxation into it. As the area eases, your negative thoughts do too. And you feel better, if only a little, if only for a little while.

Here too is where I ask you to draw on your faith. Know to your core that nothing is forever. So when your gremlin goddess along with her sometimes strident voices come to call, and the old stuff you thought was healed bangs at the door, remember that there there is something wonderfully profound going on, some deeper healing. This is AWESOME, a lovely gift.

Remember that this too shall pass. And when it does, you will feel all that much more clear, alive, healed, soft, loving, and loved. Your body will stand all that much more erect; you will flow more gracefully, sinuously, and sensuously, a vision, beautifully inviting.

Wrap this up in something soft and fluffy and place it within your heart.

xxoo

Unfolding time, has me in thrall.

I feel awe for the courage you have shown to me,

Your revelations flying fast, winging endlessly.

Allowing vulnerability, taking a chance,

Sweet sensitivity, little backward glance.

I feel so blessed to expand along with you,

Evoking images of pretty rainbows dripping with dew,

Ladybugs spotted, dragonflies on the wing,

Colorful butterflies, birds as they sing,

Blossoms painted, white, pink, red, and yellow.

Exploding aromas, intoxicatingly mellow.

Fairy dusted moonbeams glowing so bright,

Sprinkling you with love, now and always. Good night.

Happy Holidays Everyone. Thank you for being a part of my life…

Wishing you everything your lovely heart desires.

xxoo Dominique

Do you fear that if you relinquish hold on your determination to be strong, maybe it’s even fierce, or if you let it be known that you don’t have it all under control, that you can’t do it all superwoman style, your man will take the opportunity to poke even bigger holes in your armor, hurt you, run roughshod into you and through you, maybe even reject you or leave you out of scorn? Or boredom?

I used to feel this way. I had to be the tough chick, able to withstand all hurts, any trauma with a brave face. I had to be resilient, a fighter, a survivor. I had to show that I could do anything and everything.

But this meant I had to cover up the places where I felt soft and gooey, where I felt unsure, insecure, where and how I felt fear, pain. The thought of letting my guard down was terrifying. No man would ever want me if I wavered at all, would one? And if one did, he would surely abuse the privilege. Yes?

And whenever I did show my vulnerabilities (accidentally of course), I felt SO embarrassed. I would just want to hide my shame. Or I would simply shake in fear, waiting for something even worse to happen.

Oh my was I ever wrong about this.

Exposing yourself, being vulnerable, showing and expressing your feelings is one of the most precious gifts you can give. AND maybe this might surprise you. I mean this as mostly a gift to YOURSELF. Allowing  vulnerability is first and foremost a giving to yourself. It may sound contradictory, but this truly is an amazing gift to give to YOU.

The more you can sink into the feelings that accompany your initial attempts at being open and vulnerable and every time thereafter, the more you will eventually be able to FULLY feel and experience. And this means everything, the good feeling feelings as well as the bad feeling ones.

This is for you because it helps YOU expand YOU, and the more you can expand, the more room for life there is, the more room for love there is, for you and for others, and maybe a special man too, most definitely a special man too.

Yes you risk pain, but that’s a part of being love.

This really can be incredibly freeing.

AND delightfully and wonderfully, being open hearted and loving, laying your soul bare to a good man, the kind of man YOU would want, actually brings him SO much closer to you. He will feel increasingly safe with you, and a man who feels safe, a man who feels your big, beautiful heart, faults, shortcomings, and all, is a man who will never let you go. You will have his heart forever.

And even if you are in a relationship where you struggle for whatever reason, shifting yourself around this in this way, healing yourself in this way, daring to take the risk, will give you the greatest chance of restoring what you once had. Or better still, this will probably deepen your relationship to places you have never gone before. This is a huge part of what true intimacy is about.

Now this isn’t at all about if your man gives to you first, as in showing you his heart, sharing his troubles, his joys, his triumphs. This isn’t about him opening up to you so that you feel safer reciprocating.

And this is NOT about sharing your experiences, past or present. This is NOT, and this is  so very important, talking about your healing process. Please don’t.

This is all about letting yourself be fully authentic you. This is about sharing your feelings and by far MOSTLY the good feeling ones, for the more you do this, the less there will be bad feeling feelings to begin with. This is about being silly, laughing at yourself when you err, admitting your mistakes, being able to say, “I don’t know”. It’s about ASKING FOR HELP when you need it, want it. It’s about keeping your heart as open as possible, as an invitation. This is about being LOVE, the love you were born as.

I can’t imagine being any other way anymore. Being vulnerable, being real, being authentically you is not all a position of weakness. It is instead a position of tremendous strength. And you still get to be a fighter, a survivor as well as an open hearted, soft, loving goddess being too.

xxoo

For some it conjures images of twinkly lights, sugar plum fairies, marzipan, cookies, softly falling snow, pine trees, crackling fires, candles, lots of yummy food, beautifully wrapped gifts, warmth, coziness, family, love and goodwill bursting forth everywhere, a time to be with your favorite people, and any number of other unique to you traditions, and so much more. The holidays for these people can be one HUGE smile.

For some the holiday season can be one big yawn. For these people the holidays feel like a fuss and a bother, such a bore.

BUT for many, this season is filled with anxiety, dread, fear, sadness, even depression. Even if you have a wonderful family who embrace you with open arms, as they all get together for this fun filled time, somehow this just seems to leave you feeling sort of flat; it all seems to fall short. You can’t help yourself from thinking that it just does not feel the same as it would if you were with your beloved, or so you imagine. This time can feel so empty, like something is missing. You feel lonely and just, in a word, sad.

If you have friends who invite you to spend this time with them, even though they may really want you to join them, you still feel like a fifth wheel. It seems to you as though everyone must be humoring you. They’re just being nice, trying to cheer you, include you so that you don’t feel left out, so you won’t be by yourself. And you know this is SO sweet, and you do appreciate the gestures….

But inside your gremlins are chattering away. And you believe them. You feel sure your friends actually pity you or are laughing at you, or maybe they wonder what is wrong with you for not having your own man, or maybe they think you are too choosy or something else equally bad feeling.

Sometimes these thoughts are just too much to bear in the presence of others, so you decline any and all invitations, and you sit at home instead and mope.

Sometimes you do make the effort, but you don’t really have a great time, for you can’t help listening to your talkative gremlins, allowing in the accompanying feelings which bring you lower and lower.

If your family is too far away or they are no longer with you, if no one has invited you or your friends have their own families, and you just don’t want to intrude plus you think it would just feel way too awkward, if you are truly alone, then this can really be a very, very painful time, a very, very lonely time.

All you may want to do is crawl into bed, pull the covers over your head, and sleep until January 2. Or maybe drown your sorrows in some cheap wine, for the good stuff…well that’s to share with a beloved. And you stuff yourself with some whatever food, for the chocolate truffles your best friend sent you, well…that’s to share with a beloved. And your tears flow.

All you think is how good, how special everything would taste, smell, feel if you could only spend this wondrous, fabulous time with your own partner, your very own “the one”. This is all you long for anymore. But he just seems to elude you.

I feel sad to say that I don’t have the power grant you your wish in manifesting your beloved, nor do I have a magic wand to wave over you to take your troubled thoughts from you. I don’t have fairy dust to sprinkle on you to make you feel happy, connected and alive again. I don’t have rainbows or butterfly wings or cute, little ladybug spots or fragrant flowers or anything else you love and adore to take this emptiness, this achiness away. I wish I did.

BUT I can offer you this which will surely soften the harsh edges.

First of all I DON’T want you to not feel what you feel. I don’t want you to pretend to yourself that you don’t feel badly. Feel all of it.

Now I want you to try sinking as deeply as you can into these wet blanket, heavy feelings. Sink into them as if they were a warm, soothing, welcoming, plushy feather bed. Sink ever deeper. FEEL those feeling which poke at you, prod you, pull at you, mess with you. Float in them. Swim in them. Completely immerse in them. Color them murky and dark. Stay here for awhile.

And then I want you to turn your back on your imaginary pool of feelings, and allow yourself to rise to the surface. Imagine iridescent bubbles surrounding you, coming out of you. Imagine warm sunshine bathing you, warming you through and through. Imagine fairy dreams washing you clean. Imagine soft, floaty, flowy garments of any color draping over you, whichever ones makes you feel loved. Imagine jewels of whatever metals and/or gems and of whatever shapes, ones which make you feel goddessy, sensuous, and beautiful.

Now imagine your love, “his” love, universal love enveloping you, caressing you, loving on you, as you leave your bath of darkness behind, and you come back into your body with all the imagined wonderfulness intact.

Take some time to drive or walk the nearby neighborhoods. Take in all the pretty sights, the houses with all their shimmering lights and fanciful decorations. Wander the streets where you can find boutiques or stores where you normally love to linger. Take in and savor the gorgeous shop windows. Stroll around a mall if you prefer (off hours please unless you like hustle and bustle) and revel in the celebration.

Add all of this to your repertoire of imagination.

Now go buy yourself something really special, something you’ve been coveting, even if it is a bit of a splurge. Have it gift wrapped to be opened on the evening or day which feels best to YOU.

And then I want you to take all of this, including all the feelings, the good feelings and any residual bad feeling feelings, and JUST GO visit. Go spend this time with your family or friends of your choice if you can. BE with them. Really, really embrace and enjoy their precious presence. Even the difficult ones, even the ones with whom a profound conversation would be just a simple hello. Savor these moments. They truly are unique and special. Love them. And most importantly, love yourself.

If you can be with other single/holiday alone friends, then go all out with them, the food, the drink, the decorations, the attire. Have a decorating party at the chosen home. Have a potluck dinner with all the fixings. Take some time to sit back and truly appreciate THEIR specialness. Feel right down to your toes the good fortune you have to have such wonderful friends in your life.

If you truly are all alone though if you have done all I asked, someone will surely have opened their home to you, then treat yourself as the exquisite goddess woman which you are, as special as that special one you wish for. Have yourself a little celebration for one if necessary. And do it right with all the good stuff, no cutting corners or saving pennies.

Yes you will likely still feel sad. Yes you will still feel a somewhat of a void. BUT if you employ the suggestions here, you can avert plunging into  a black pit of despair.

I also want you to keep close something I KNOW. Your man IS out there. He just hasn’t found you yet. So keep working on being gentle, kind, and patient with YOU. And if you keep working on your healing, if you keep keeping your heart open, soft, and vulnerable, if you keep being authentic YOU, he WILL FIND YOU.

xxoo