can you bring him closer by letting go of drama?

peaceAre you addicted to drama? I can just hear many of you say, “No of course not”. But maybe you aren’t even aware of your drama.

Possibly it’s an internal drama, but this would still be drama nonetheless, AND this can still be FELT by others, your man more specifically.

The feelings and the energy exuding from you may even be stronger when internalized. In other words, NO OUTLET, not that externalizing is a recommended practice either.

Does any of this sound familiar? Or something similar?

How about this. Do you think that a man doesn’t care about you unless huge overtures are made? And/or large gestures? Or maybe constant and continuous ones?

Do fireworks get your juices flowing, fire you up? As in big to dos, fanfare, maybe arguments, disagreements?

Do you stress, worry, or bubble and boil inside or maybe even let loose on him if things aren’t going your way?

Or maybe he does things, says things that bug you?

On the flip side, as lovely as it can feel, does peace and calm seem hum drum and strangely boring to you sometimes, all the time? Does his withdrawn mood indicate to you that he must not care? Or he is holding something inside himself about you? Something which is surely bad.

Or when things have been too quiet for too long or it feels too good, do you have to find something, anything to spice things up again? Maybe you unconsciously sabotage things?

Do you also hate the anxiety all of this produces, yet oddly you kinda sorta get off on it? Or when you feel this strongly, you know at least you’re alive?

Ask yourself if there are pieces of you deep inside (or maybe it’s right there on the surface) which thinks that if there isn’t some kind of strife and/or aching, working, forcing, twisting and turning going on within you and the relationship that it must not be “true love”. For isn’t love hard to come by? Isn’t having to put in a lot of effort more meaningful? Doesn’t this indicate that it’s “better”?

If all was calm and easy, then it must not be “real”, or it must not be any good for the long run. Easy would feel less than. Yes? Relationships take work. Right?

But let’s say you’ve done some reading, and you begin to question some of this, so you decide to have a go at a different approach. As best as you can, you don’t impose your will on him. You don’t jump to the bait when you feel triggered, when strife pops up. You don’t allow yourself to get sucked into his moods. You don’t let yourself freak out when he doesn’t call for days. You don’t give into the the gremlin voices which tell you you’re not good enough or he would be contacting you, complimenting you, paying attention to you, or maybe worse, GASP, he’s with another woman.

Instead you get on with your life, taking care of you the best way you know how. With gentleness and love. How does this feel? Really good? Or more like weird?

Or maybe it gives you a sense that something is missing? Or wrong in another kind of way? Maybe this produces another kind of anxiety.

Something IS missing of course. Your drama which is in an odd way a friend or at least something very familiar, and familiar is comforting. Even if it feels uncomfortable. Even if it feels bad. Even if it gets in your way.

But you continue on anyway with this new way. Just to see….And then curiously you find yourself numbing out. Wha????

Your numbness and disconnectedness come directly from having let go of your leaning forwardness, your anxiety, your drama which has been present almost relentlessly possibly your entire adult life. You are so used to having these feelings around that in a strange way they have become your comfort, buddies.

Without the drama, there is peace and calm. And maybe what you’re really feeling is just this, not numbness at all. Because you are so accustomed to turmoil as your way to connect to others (your man in particular), you are so used to the drama that when it’s not there, you don’t really know what you feel or how to feel, thus the numb or what seems like numb.

Feel around these new feelings. Really, really sink into them. If there really is some numbness, it could be some fear, fear of letting go of your old friend who you’ve relied on so much, and now you worry that you won’t be able to function without her, your old friend being the drama.YET you can still love and embrace her but not allow her to take over.

How about looking at this, thinking about this, feeling this in a completely different way. Maye this is what true love is meant to feel like, peaceful, lovely, warm, cozy. How about establishing a whole new connection, one that just might feel much cleaner, clearer, and more true, more authentic, more better, MORE LOVING.

Drama and whatever it is that has it arise,  CAN be channeled more productively, felt, sunk into, and released. And something which feels much nicer can be there instead. PASSION doesn’t equate with drama.

xxoo

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31 Responses to can you bring him closer by letting go of drama?

  1. soul sista says:

    right on

  2. tinque says:

    :) Love having you here Soul Sista.xxoo

  3. Mel says:

    Hmm…. let me think about this for a bit.

  4. tinque says:

    What’s there to think about Mel? Do you think you may be in drama? I’ve noticed some external drama in the past and maybe some continuing internal drama, but overall I see a HUGE reduction in all of it.Just because there was a setback (I prefer to look at these as a step sideways) this morning doesn’t mean your changes aren’t having an effect on him, doesn’t mean you’re not doing awesomely.xxoo

  5. Erin says:

    WOW…just wow, wow, wow,wow. Pretty much RIGHT on the nose of how I was feeling this morning. Love this. Love the part about “not allowing yourself to get sucked into his moods”. I practiced this last night and I could visually even see him change depending on my focus moving from worrying what he might be thinking or why he was “withdrawn”(if he really was even) versus my focus on choosing what feels good to me all the while loving him but not for approval. It was truly amazing. I completely get it about not knowing how to function when things aren’t “dramatic”, good or bad…I start to question everything about my relationship when truthfully…maybe he is just having a day and the reason we aren’t connecting is because my energy might be high that day and he just can’t get there….giving him the room to feel it is the kindest thing I could and should do. Wow…lots of thoughts on this one…

  6. tinque says:

    Yay Erin, yay. Yes to the last comment, and it also gives him the safety to wallow too if he doesn’t want to feel better just yet.Or you could just be making the whole thing up, and nothing is wrong at all. Been there, done that. lolxxoo

  7. Erin says:

    More thoughts…lol….I like the idea of really leaving him be in his moods. I feel it is the kindest thing because why shouldn’t he have time to work out all the “crazy” thoughts that often hit all of us. I can say honestly that I am glad that some of my thoughts never see the surface because that is really all they are. So, it feels really loving to let him just be who he is, in every moment. In fact, if I lean back onto my belief that every moment is perfect and always leading you toward your higher good…maybe his “mood” as I perceived it was a stepping stone for him..some contrast that he needed to feel to grow further and fall in line with the version of him that he wants to be.

  8. Erin says:

    LOL…When I transition from this life, the first thing I want to see is a list of all of the stuff that I absolutely, 100% made up from my beliefs. Seriously…I can’t even imagine how long it is and how many “Well, I’ll be damned”s I am going to say! Love it!

  9. tinque says:

    Oh no, just the thought of how this list would be for any of us, yikes.Another plus to leaving him be is that he won’t feel the pressure that you may not be emitting, but he may feel it as such (his own “made up” list), pressure to make you feel better, attention you may be seeking, etc.It’s not easy, and it’s not easy feeling responsible (I do this a lot though I can work with it to talk myself down), but when you can, it’s a wonderful gift to him.xxoo

  10. Kaysie says:

    This sounds so awesome, Tinque. But, How do I let go and not give in to the anxiety and the ‘gremlins’? I would love to be strong and happy with myself; completely self assured and NOT needy. I have days where I feel so completely compelled to make ‘him’ happy, even when it inconviences me.

  11. Mel says:

    I needed to think about it a bit because at first it made me mad. I was feeling like I’ve been taking so much responsibility for the problems in my marriage already, and now here’s another thing that is ALL ME! But I resisted this because a marriage has two people in it. It can’t always be my fault!! Or could it?It could be true. Maybe I am addicted to drama. Just when things seem to be going well… BAM I say or do something stupid and he crawls back into his cave for a few weeks. I hate this, and yet… it seems to happen like clockwork. Perhaps it is self-sabotage?”Do you think that a man doesn’t care about you unless huge overtures are made? And/or large gestures? Or maybe constant and continuous ones?”This is totally how I feel sometimes! When he’s tired or distant or distracted I honestly feel fearful that it means he doesn’t love me. That I did something wrong again. That I can never get it right. I know he needs space. It’s hard though.Maybe I need some other form of excitement in my life so that I can steer clear of the drama!

  12. tinque says:

    Kaysie – It’s a process. Even now I can still fall prey to them, and it’s not easy to pull out even when you’re hyper aware.You do get more attuned to when they’re about to claw at your door, and you do get better at ignoring them or at least not giving them so much time and attention.I find a good way is to catch yourself as soon as possible, and just tell then to shut up, every five seconds if you have to.Keep reminding yourself that these are your gremlins, nothing to do with reality and the truth.xxoo

  13. tinque says:

    Mel – I got as far as can it be my fault?, and I had to step in. YES it takes two, and NO it’s not your fault, BUT and sometimes sadly (or maybe not so sadly) it IS up to us to break the cycle. And that’s not such an awful thing.Men too can have their own drama, but the best way to diffuse it is to ignore it, by not allowing yourself to get drawn in.What I see you experiencing right now is growing pains. It SO reminds me of me a few years ago. I would think exactly the same things.You’re being hyper sensitive to both of your every word and action, wanting to get it just right.Remember he’s adjusting too.Give yourself time, and please be patient with yourself. You’ve grown SO much in the short time I’ve known you.I SO hear you on wondering if he loves you. You will get to a point where you feel so secure in his love, that even though the doubting thoughts creep in, you can draw on the knowledge that of course he loves me, of course he does. This helps. Doesn’t take all the shakiness and wanting it to be all nice and cozy again away, but it helps.Maybe you do need another excitement outlet. I don’t know, but it’s worth pondering.xxoo

  14. Mel says:

    Thanks Tinque!

  15. tinque says:

    I feel concerned about the latest comment over on RR. I don’t want it to throw you. If you need help with it or want clarification, please e-mail me.xxoo

  16. BigLuv says:

    Tell it, Tinque. Drama in my case is better channeled into a journal so I don’t do that self-sabotage thing. If I’m feeling anxious it’s usually more about what’s going on with me rather than what’s going on with him. I have to trust when I am clear everything else falls into place.

  17. tinque says:

    Yay you BigLuv – This is great.xxoo

  18. Annabelle says:

    This is the perfect post for me right now! I sorta went through this yesterday, but instead of acting “dramatic” I was just honest about how I was feeling. I told my bf the exact truth; not making anything be about him or any other situation. I just told him that I had mixed emotions, that I was happy and sad at the same time, and that I need some time alone to work it out. He responded so well to it and this morning I woke up feeling like my old self again. :)

  19. tinque says:

    Oh Annabelle, this feel so good to hear. I think our drama can come from the assumptions we can make. If we stay in the moment and express our feelings as they are, these assumptions quickly dissolve into what really is.xxoo

  20. Annabelle says:

    Thank you, Tinque! I felt so good that I didn’t go into assumptions, but just let myself feel what I was feeling.I do have a question aside from this post. What does taking care of yourself look like to you when you are having an emotionally hard time dealing with a certain event that may be happy but has brought up emotional feelings of sadness?I struggle with this sometimes because I feel like I am being “dramatic” if I say that i need some time alone after a joyous event (i.e. yesterday we had dinner with him family for the first time since my bf and I have been working on our relationship for a year). I was happy to be included by him, but when we left I felt sad for the year we had “lost” out on. I know the year break was needed for us to regain ourselves and ot build the foundation we were missing, but so much had changed in the year with his family I felt sad I missed out on it.

  21. tinque says:

    Annabelle – The past is just that, passed, and there’s nothing you can do about that. BUT you can change your attitude around it.How about looking at the year as a time for you both to have grown so that you can be together the way you both would wish for.How about looking at the year as a gift so that you could heal.One year is not all that long, and really, how much did you really miss out on, or did you make that all up, magnify it.And sometimes we feel sad for no special reason. It just is. And you can say exactly that. “I feel sad, and I have no idea why. Maybe I’m working through something, processing. It would feel better to have some alone time right now.”It seems to me there’s a little bit of drama being created inside you. You can let this go. It’s okay.xxoo

  22. Annabelle says:

    Tinque, I knew you would understand and be able to put into words what is swimming in my head. YES, YES, YES! You are exactly right…there is a little drama inside me I think and I am trying so hard to quiet it like I said in my earlier comment, just be honest about how I feel and not let it be about anything else than what it is, but I still hold on to the drama inside. Each day I let it go alittle though and each tiime the drama builds up, I have been able to quiet it down before it explodes everywhere. I like that and I feel good about my progress.Also, you are very much right… this year was a blessing and a gift and most days I do know that. It is the days that I find myself “missing” (whatever that missing my be) that fear is brought up and I get sad about the year, but honestly I know it was what has brought us closer together now and it was for the best. Thanks for reminding me of that. :)

  23. tinque says:

    It’s all a process, and you are doing beautifully. I too have my moments still, but it gets easier and easier to let go, recognize what’s going on for what it really is.xxoo

  24. Monique says:

    so as of yesterday at about 10pm mountain standard time i am no longer engaged…our engagement lasted 6 months almost to the date. we are still together simply not engaged…i’m having a hard time dealing with this concept, it’s like i’m stuck on being engaged…maybe it’s because i am 9 years older then him (he is 20 and i will be 29 in five days). he says everything still the same just minus the ring, but i can’t seem to get myself to see it that way…this article helped Tinque…I needed it- perfect timing. i have to find a way to figure out an engagement or marriage isn’t everything in a relationship and regardless his babymama is always going to be around…i need to finally let go of the drama and stop creating it when it’s not actively there, i need to stop looking for him to mess up b/c he has done absolutely nothing to show me he is unfaithful.

  25. tinque says:

    This feels so good to read Monique. I do feel badly for the changes in status because it seems as though ti was important to you, BUT he is still quite and young, and so are you really. He seems devoted to you. Give him some time. Give yourself some time. I truly believe things happen for a very good reason which will come clear at some point, sooner when the drama is not there.

    xxoo

  26. Rachel says:

    I’m reading this after failing miserably. I have a great relationship with a man who lives over 1,000 miles away from me, so when we are able to spend time together, it’s really really really precious time. I just returned from three days together and I feel so broken and devastated. I didn’t think I had any strong expectations going into it .. we’d talked about just relaxing, reading, walks, movies, etc. And we had a lovely first day. But then I began to feel panicked that he didn’t seem as “into” me as he had on previous visits. He wasn’t reaching for my hand, not snuggling in bed in the mornings … I awoke to find him gone out to get coffee. Which is NO big deal if you see each other every day …. but these were our few precious days.

    So I melted down. I started crying and couldn’t stop. We ended up shouting and he felt awful and pressured. I felt awful and stupid and needy. I actually packed to leave early.

    In the end, we did finish the visit, but things were off and I feel a crushing weight that I “ruined” the beautiful place we’ve been with my drama. I didn’t want to .. I didn’t mean to … I know he loves me and I love him. But I don’t know how to undo the damage or the memories of this time which are now so painful.

    He seemed so distant when we parted. Barely even hugged me. He kept commenting about how “emotional” I am…. like it was a bad thing. I’ve struggled for years to be able to express my emotions. I tried to share how I felt kindly and lovingly, but he just seemed to get angrier and angrier and say I was demanding he be and act a certain way .. Augh …..

    Please help me sort this out … at least in my own mind. I don’t believe it’s the end of our relationship, but I feel like I took a giant step back in his respect. It felt almost like he couldn’t wait to get away from me and my “emotions.” I’m so sad now today …. not sure when I’ll see him again and feeling like I really ruined our time.

  27. Dominique says:

    Rachel – First of all nothing is ever a failure. I really want you to look at any bad feeling experience as a learning and growing experience no matter how awful it feels.

    Yes you apparently were holding expectations. I understand it difficult not to, yet there it it is. You really have NO idea why he seemed as not into the visit as you wanted. It could be any number of things, things he may have been unaware of.

    Had you considered he had gone for coffee for you?

    If you could rewind, instead of the drama, I would have asked you to go inside to see what it you were really feeling. I see fear. Fear of losing him, fear of rejection and abandonment, fear of not being enough maybe in some way.

    And I would have asked you to soothe yourself in whatever ways feels best.

    You could have chosen from two options here – Tell him this – You seem far away this weekend. Is there anything you want to tell me or say to me?

    Or you could have said – I’m feeling shaky right now. I’m feeling disconnected from you, and I don’t want to feel this way. Can you help?

    Tuck these options away for future use.

    Now you muse, must, MUST stop focusing on this and more importantly beating yourself up over this. It’s done. It’s over. You can take some consolation in knowing that most men don’t hold onto things like we do. They don’t tend to worry and fret, turning these scenarios around over and over again on their heads like we women tend to.

    If this has been a pattern with you, then it may be giving him pause.

    If he truly is pulling away, the best thing you can do is redouble your efforts and fill YOU up in any way which feels best. Activities, people you love, rituals to get back in touch with yourself and your body as well as your deeper feelings.

    He will come around, or he won’t, and you don’t have control over this, only you.

    The the next time he contacts you, and please allow him to come to you first, I would suggest apologizing, simply and cleanly, no gushing. For example – I feel badly over what happened during our weekend. I felt disconnected from you and instead of saying something, I had a meltdown. This is something I’ve been working on. I’m sorry.

    Now please go take good care of YOU. Be kind, gentle, and patient sweetheart.

    xxoo

  28. Julie says:

    Hello Dominque
    Just been reading through the links you sent me yesterday and finding them so helpful thank you so much. :-)
    Would really like to comment on this one as can relate to some of the topics.
    Drama is something I can understand. One of the comments yesterday about my b/f triggering something in me…think you were definitely right. As I have bronchitis/bad cold at the mo its a good time to sit and work on myself instead of just lying in bed feeling sorry for myself. So I am using the time positively and been reading + thinking + meditating.
    Back to drama…I was brought up in a very dramatic environment after my Dad left me on the doorstep with my Mum sobbing next to me…and me at 4 years old trying to console her by tugging at her skirt saying “Mummy please do not cry”..but of course crying myself….after this my Mum lived on her nerves. My Dad never came back only once to take his things..I only say him once afterwards…so back to drama..it was very often tense at home. Mum stopped us mentioning our father again…he did not exist. Then he died in an accident so i never had the chance to talk with him again and ask him so many questions I wanted answers for.
    I sometimes think I perhaps without meaning to have recreated some of the same feelings in relationships. When I start to mistrust due to those emotions from childhood rumbling up inside me….and a voice saying ” He will leave you for another…he will hurt you…you have to protect yourself” ” You must look after yourself always be strong be independant” Ok some of these thoughts are positive some are definitely not!.
    I know my b/f has lied ( but maybe not major ones but has looked me in the eyes when doing so)..after the first one it was hard for me to trust totally and after the next even less so. I have tried to evaluate each one on its own…but a lie is still a lie…not sure how I can overcome this but as you know last night visited him and said I feel for us to go forward we really have to be open with each other……..back to the drama…I maybe dramatize somewhat by thinking he is telling more lies than he is and start to disbelief a lot more than perhaps i should.
    I have been trying so hard after working with Rori’s programmes …love scripts has helped….but guess on Sunday I verbally lashed out saying ” I had had enough ” and stomped off .. I feel perhaps did over react and caused a drama! Felt he was not being upfront with me about a future lads night out…which is a Ladies race night and had not told me….But guess so what if it is I am now thinking…I have to trust him…He got angry back said i had accused him of lying and did not realize it was and the other men had organized it. Then you are aware of the call he made to me and saying I have to trust or he will get very angry…maybe that was him taking the control back…not sure…but I agree a threat is not good!
    I am now thinking perhaps the latest drama was my fault ? I am not going to beat myself up about it. As you know he text me first last night and then again after to say he hoped I felt ok and nite nite. He said he will call me later.today…
    Just a question if we do feel it is our fault for being a little on the dramatic side and it causes a conflict. ( which I know we shouldnt..but express our feelings calmly and not attack him or accuse him or say “YOU” but ” I feel ” keeping it about us….but suppose as in this instance we OK make a mistake and let it all go…..aaahhh…should we then lean forward and say sorry or wait for him to come forward and be welcoming and open and then say sorry if we truly feel we over reacted triggering the drama scene?
    Love and light

    Julie
    xx

  29. Julie says:

    Hi Dominque
    just linking in again as did not tick the box for comment email notification.
    Be so happy to hear from you if possible
    love and light
    Julie
    xx

  30. Julie says:

    Sorry Dominque its me again! I forgot to add something.

    I think we sometimes create dramas as we feel the need to be back in a comfort zone from those feelings we grew up with. I do not think we do it intentionally but its somewhere deep within us. Do you agree with this? I know if so we must break it somehow…bit it is such big step and difficult to do isnt it? Do you think?

    Love and Light

    Julie
    xx

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