Anger is a cryptic emotion. Many gurus and lay people alike espouse the importance of really getting in touch with the anger. It is said that anger is very important. Anger is vital for gaining access to the heart of the matter. Anger is the conduit for going deeper. You must feel the anger fully and learn to give it outlet, give it outlet in a safe way before the underlying stuff can be dealt with. Then you are in a position to release this anger.
I agree to the extent that IF there is anger present it is crucial that you find it, immerse yourself in it, and learn productive ways to relinquish its hold on you.
For brewing anger, repressed rage can and will find a way out some way or another eventually. Like anything that bubbles and boils uncontrollably and over which you place a lid, the steam beneath WILL sooner or later pry that cover loose, and it will let fly forcefully. At whom is anyone’s guess, maybe even yours.
You WILL explode, and this WILL FEEL BAD. The out of control feelings will burn you, and possibly, probably scald others in the process, perhaps badly, perhaps enough to leave a scar. This could could cause them to lash back at you from the pain of their own wounds inflicted BY YOU. Or they might alienate you for awhile, nursing the blister you created. Or they could just run away for good.
And yes I agree anger can be a conduit for going deeper. When you are working on yourself, and there comes a time you feel anger, I would hope you would have grown to the point where you have learned to recognize your anger when it arises, found ways to feel it, work with it to access what is resting beneath. And I imagine you would have integrated tools to mindfully let your anger go, releasing it slowly and with little if any harm to yourself and others so that you would avoid a scenario resembling the above.
But beneath anger is really hurt. Many people know this, but what most people haven’t thought about and I ask you to consider is that some people really and truly DO NOT have anger, at least not every time there is a hurt that could lead to it. When I was in the throes of hurt over K’s what had been up until my discovery his secret that wounded me so deeply, my angel savior kept telling me to FIND my anger.
She insisted that there must be rage inside me. I just wasn’t acknowledging it. I was in denial of it, AND I wouldn’t properly heal until and unless I unleash this fury. (Not at a someone of course but into a pillow maybe or in a kickboxing class) I probed and prodded, poked, and pushed, dug way down deep, and still I felt NO ANGER. I only felt pervasive sadness and hurt and FEAR.For below hurt lies fear. That is what ALL of this is about, the anger, the hurt. IT’S ALL ABOUT FEAR. In my case my fear was about rejection and abandonment, for this had always been my experience, being shunned, being left, being all ALONE.
Anger is simply a reaction to hurt which is a response to fear. So I’m proposing that not everyone has an anger button. In my case somewhere along the way, I learned that anger was not useful FOR ME, did not serve ME. Or maybe this was something I knew innately.
FOR ME, I can bypass anger and go straight to the pain. Maybe some people can go right to the fear. It is possible. For some, for many though the anger DOES help them. It is a very useful tool which gives them A WAY IN to the DEEPER underlying issues.
Fear is one of the roots of ALL emotions. The other is love. LOVE and FEAR. That’s ALL there is. I DID heal without ever feeling anger. And in my healing I DID find love.
I do think that many experts are hung up on anger. I’ve read that many doctors believe that depression is anger turned inward which I guess is the basis of all their certainty that everyone hurting has anger to get in touch with. I don’t see the benefit in generalizing about people in that manner, and I don’t think that everyone has hidden anger.
Thank you Tina, and thank you for visiting.Not everyone would agree. I firmly believe everyone is unique. I would even go so far to say that some people may have weak anger wiring and in time it just doesn’t fire at all anymore. This doesn’t make you less of a person. It just makes you uniquely you.xxoo
For me, I have the anger…but for the longest time, it was only pain I could feel. I would hurt so much but never felt the anger. When I finally got in touch with the anger, it helped me build strong boundaries (something the pain and despair couldn’t do). When I was in pain, I felt weak but couldn’t do anything to feel strong again. When I reached the anger (in this moment, the anger was at myself and at J) I got strong…really, really strong.I still feel pain and despair sometimes…I still hurt…but that one instance of allowing myself to be full on ANGRY helps me determine whether what I’m REALLY feeling is hurt or anger. Prior to this, everything was hurt…now, I can feel the difference. I love that I found my anger. It has done wonders for me.I do agree though…not everyone has it. But I also tend to reach out to women I believe (and I know…I shouldn’t assume people’s feelings, but sometimes I do) are angry under all that pain. If they don’t have it, at least they’ve searched for it. If they do have it…they really can move past some of their emotions much more quickly. To me, if you have anger and can’t find it…or, like I did, mask it with another emotion…it will never heal.Much Love,Mercedes
Hi Miss M. Yes I am in total agreement that some women DO have to find their anger in order to move through and heal.For me it was an eye opener to realize that anger just isn’t in my make up, and that’s okay too. I healed just as well. We all have to discover for ourselves who we are and what we need to do to find peace.xxoo
Beautiful
thank you sweetheart…miss you…xxoo
I feel a bit confused with the feeling of anger,Hurt and Pain….I love the way you have explained it from your own experience.I too have difficulties expressing my anger and this is because i have felt neglected in the past and i tried to cover this by seeking approval through my own actions and worrying too much about how others felt about me..I have often felt that in certain situations i ought to get angry or react in a certain way,as others would….but i don’t feel the anger but instead i feel disappointment in myself for not feeling angry and resentment for not standing up for myself…I love the way you define the three different emotions in different levels and i feel that the reason i don’t feel anger is because i am still deep down hurting and in pain over unresolved emotions..I can work my way down from anger to discover and release my past..
Tracy – It seems as though we are similar in that the feeling of neglect led to over compensating through action and more action, trying to prove ourselves or just be seen at all. Any show of anger might have caused further loss. So it was repressed.You may or may not have anger buried inside. Whatever anger I found, and this was awhile ago, I directed at myself.Somehow I managed to work through my unresolved emotions without having to redirect the anger.For you it may be different. Whichever way you find is the perfect way for you.I send you goddess love…xxoo
I like this – informative and interesting.I agree, Mercedes. I remember feeling so hurt and frustrated – anguish really – over some guy’s cavalier and hurtful treatment of me. It wasn’t until I actually transitioned to a point of anger that I moved from feeling judgment – of myself – feeling unworthy – to WTF?!! Kind of like coming to that realization, ‘Hey, I don’t deserve this,’ and I found my boundaries – but also confidence with the boundaries.When the guy came back looking for me (they always do, don’t they?) – with a number of guys expressing their interest as well, I just looked at him and said, “Get in line.”
I love having you here Miss DocK. It’s so interesting to me to hear from those who did have to access their anger in order to move on. I wonder if it’s not an easier way to work through stuff. I just don’t know since my path took me elsewhere yet not since we are all here together.
xxoo
Tinque,I feel more of unresolved emotions….but i feel glad that with more explanations and good direction i am beginning to understand why i feel the way i do…The more i prob the more i discover and slowly its starting to make sense…I feel that i have allowed people to treat me badly because though i felt angry about it i didn’t know how to express the anger and i didn’t love myself enough to know i deserved better…I get it now…What i feel really is disappointment towards myself for not standing up for myself or for failing to do the right thing when i should have…it feels more like failure and blame…I feel much better now because i can identify my feelings both the good ones and the bad ones….I feel progress and like Dock said i want to reach a place where i can say WTF when i feel bad treatment…It would feel good to love me that much….as opposed to feeling hopeless and helpless when things do not work out well..and feeling blame towards self…that doesn’t feel good at all..
Recognizing this is half the battle. And if you don’t stand up for yourself each and every time, that’s okay too. You can pick yourself up, give yourself a big hug anyway, and keep on keeping on.xxoo
i feel very intrgiued with your new article tinque. i have experimented with different methods of healing and have not yet come to a satisfactory conclusion in this area of anger.I do feel agreement and resonance with much of what you so eloquently expressed. I do not believe wallowing in anger (or any negative emotion) is a healthy thing. In fact, it can be dangerous.However, what to do with the people (I used to be one of them) who had stuffed down a lifetime of emotions and had continually put themselves in situations where they would revictimize themselves??I do not have an answer. For me I had to go WAY out there. And I wallowed and I felt my anger and released it. And now I am literally repulsed by the slightest hint of bad feeling situations.But I wonder if there might have been a gentler, more safe-feeling way or if i had to go through what i went through in order to be where i am at now?But how does one help people like I used to be? or people in prison who have alot of rage and victimization dynamics still locked up inside themselves? What about people who can not access their pain and can only initially access their defensive stance of anger?I feel very interested in this. Although as I just wrote all that I now feel a little more clarity on the topic and like the answers might come.ask, and you shall receive. always always always.
thank you for a wonderful article.
Thank you Staceyface (my favorite of your names). I always enjoy your visits.When it comes to healing, first and foremost an individual has to WANT it. One can’t make anyone to grow, change, or heal.Desire is the most important ingredient and likely the easiest.It’s difficult to say if there could have been a gentler way for you to heal. Probably not. Though who is to know. It was what it was. That was YOUR way, and it worked for YOU.I’m totally with you on not wallowing in negative emotions. It’s counter-productive and NOT conducive to healing. Feeling it for a bit is fine if not desirable as opposed to stuffing it, but then let it go or work it through with whatever means feel right to you.It seems to me the only way to help others is to allow them to find THEIR WAY and only if they want your help.xxoo